When the wind takes you

You look at me with uncertainty,
You look at me with urgency.
You look at me with fear in your eyes
Like you're about to fall away.

But don't be afraid to change your colours now.
I've known you all Summer, and you rose above it all.
I see you hesitate to fall now,
But it's a pretty good view from down here, too.

And when the wind takes you, it takes me, too.
When you change colours, I change mine, too.
Try not to think, and I will try to.
When you let go, I will let go, too.

I knew you when you were green and strong.
You were like a feather on a wing, so long.
You know I will miss you when you are gone,
But don't be afraid if you just can't hang on.

'Cause when the wind takes you, it takes me, too.
When you change colours, I change mine, too.
Try not to think and I will try, too.
And when you let go, I will let go, too.

The cold air is pushing hard on you.
I know what you're saying; I can feel it, too.
You'll go through changes, and I'll go through them too.
Don't be afraid now, don't be afraid.

'Cause when the wind takes you, it takes me, too.
When you change colours, I change mine, too.
Try not to think and I will try, too.
And when you let go, I will let go, too

I hear you calling, I will stay strong

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A-TPWr0roLY

Selah

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iSUA_E0Ce4A&feature=related

My first autumn without you, and this was so much our special time. Today was so beautiful, one of those heartwrenching Gatineau Hills fall days where the intensity of the light is almost unbearable.. the Merlin soared around us, various huge ravens that are always nearby...the air so cold and crisp and life feeling just..perfect, as it is. except for the missing shape, the one laways beside me as far back as I can recall..and the one most present now is yours.Dan, Tina and I walked through the back, she was wearing Luke's harness. I felt you all around and through me, everything you taught me, all the strengths you brought out in me, all the transformations my loving you so much entailed. And I looked at Tina rolling on her back in the grass, wagging her tail with bemused delight to be free and alive and in this holy place, and I know I am only able to do things like rescue now because YOU showed me how much love I really have inside. She would be dead without you, without the love you gave me that I now can pass on. She was never adored and cared for like you were, her bad condition shows that, and then to just leave her alone in that shelter...aren't you happy somwehere, smiling your dear little wise smile, knowing we did this, you and me, we took her home, we give her some of the joy we shared when you were here.

Oh, but I miss you, my litlest angel..and the fall is a terrible time to be engulfed in sadness. We do carry on endeavoring to be happy. Christmas is yet to be faced.
Mommy loves lila - always love Lila, so much love my Bo.

Just to let you know we are ok, we are strong,and we know you are here.

If I Could Be Where You Are

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z4uI-jrIxog&feature=related

Where are you this moment?
Only in my dreams.
You're missing, but you're always
A heartbeat from me.
I'm lost now without you,
I don't know where you are.
I keep watching, I keep hoping,
But time keeps us apart

[chorus]
Is there a way I can find you,
Is there a sign I should know,
Is there a road I could follow,
To bring you back home?

Winter lies before me
Now you're so far away
In the darkness of my dreaming
The light of you will stay

If I could be close beside you
If I could be where you are
If I could reach out and touch you
And bring you back home
Is there a way I can find you,
Is there a sign I should know,
Is there a road I could follow,
To bring you back home to me

xoxo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z97_bH_dwc4



How I needed you
How I grieve now you're gone
In my dreams I see you
I awake so alone

I know you didn't want to leave
Your heart yearned to stay
But the strength I always loved in you
Finally gave way

Somehow I knew you would leave me this way
Somehow I knew you could never, never stay
And in the early morning light
After a silent peaceful night
You took my heart away
And my being

In my dreams I can see you
I can tell you how I feel
In my dreams I can hold you
And it feels so real

I still feel the pain
I still feel your love
I still feel the pain
I still feel your love

And somehow I knew you could never, never stay
And somehow I knew you would leave me
And in the early morning light
After a silent peaceful night
You took my heart away
Oh I wish, I wish you could have stayed

The concept of Lila signifies Freedom

Lila (Sanskrit: लीला), or Leela is a concept within Hinduism literally meaning "pastime", "sport" or "play". It is common to both monistic and dualistic philosophical schools, but has a markedly different significance in each. Within monism, Lila is a way of describing all reality, including the cosmos, as the outcome of creative play by the divine absolute (Brahman). In the dualistic schools of Vaishnavism, Lila more simply refers to the activities of God and his devotees, as distinct from the common activities of karma.

It was a long time ago the name came to me, and I always pronounced it L- EYE-la. In Sanskrit it is Leela. but you always meant sacred play, to me, you little minx. Even when I found that L-EYE-la meant "dark as night" in Hebrew, and that you were too.

Your role in my life was definitely the "activities of God" however one understands that concept.


You loved me in all my aspects; me the religionist, the academic, as well as the Irishwoman, overemotional, a little crazy, and you loved the silly me, the serious me, the girly me - any me that smelled like me, and you never let me down. Worth 2000 of most humans I know who drop others like a hot potato once it becomes inconvenient! You understood respect as well as love, humour as well as sensitivity, and you never questioned me directly, although a few choice looks would tell me you were not fully appreciating whatever I was doing at the moment.

I miss you so much, Bo. I know you are getting back here as quickly as you can. I heard you last night...what a lambie dog you are.
I have saved all your lambs so you can play with hem again, when you get here. Dan almost got your goat the other day, but it was like he knew he shouldnt destroy it, so he just carried it around a while.


SO much love Lila!!

Ram Shanker Misra in "The Integral Advaitism of Sri Aurobindo" -

"Brahman is full of all perfections. And to say that Brahman has some purpose in creating the world will mean that it wants to attain through the process of creation something which it has not. And that is impossible. Hence, there can be no purpose of Brahman in creating the world. The world is a mere spontaneous creation of Brahman. It is a Lila, or sport, of Brahman. It is created out of Bliss, by Bliss and for Bliss. Lila indicates a spontaneous sportive activity of Brahman as distinguished from a self-conscious volitional effort. The concept of Lila signifies freedom as distinguished from necessity."

I miss school. I miss the Religion department. I miss feeling centered. But more than anything I can think of, I miss you.

What a lambie-dog you are.
Th concept of Lila signifies freedom.


Find me soon, please. Dan and I are like two old chickens here. We need the rainbow! We need the balance.
We need the freedom.

Mom

Just thinking how sweet you were

Hi Bo....
I was just talking to Luke, and taking a little break here (still crunching numbers all day) and I looked at a few of my favourite pics. You were so sweet! Did I not tell you a 1000 times a day? And were you not tolerant, wise, funny and GOOD? You were indeed, my eleganza. So before I head back to work,more coffee and a quick roll- around in the yard with that little demon...I just wanted to share a few more Bo-treasures with the world.

Danny is well; we lost Ogden, and my heart aches, but it cannot break, because it's been so thoroughly shattered it grew back made of rubber, and it will only ache now; the first cuts are indeed the deepest, or as Dylan Thomas said "after the first death, there is no other".
I miss you, Bonobo. You, Dad, Luke and John - I am so glad to have the demon or what would I do?
Take heart knowing for all he annoyed you, he's helping me be ok.


Look at you!

Miracles do happen and you were one

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KgZN2br6lgw&feature=related

Worse as time goes by

It does seem that the longer I have to be in this world without Bo, the harder it gets.

Things come to mind all the time, things that just filter through the brainwaves then settle and drift away.

Imagine if I'd never found her, and how easily I could have just capitulated that May even to going home, when I said to Alex, let's drive a bit more. He never wants to do one minute of a thing more than he absolutely has to; he wanted to call it a night. Yet I insisted - that can be the prerogative of the sick (and I was very, VERY sick). So we drove on, and by the grace of the gods, there she was. Whatever would my life have been without that infusion of grace, that showed me how good a person I can be (and we all can be?)


On her shrine, I keep a stack of her pictures, from babyhood to her last few days, and every morning I switch over so there's always a new one there. Sometimes it's the innocent face of my baby Bo - back when her main nickname was Chickpea - and sometimes, it's the white faced old love I had to say goodbye to so recently. Always it's the depth, humour, wisdom, sweetness. I know she is not the only dog in the world with these characteristics, but she was the only one in my world, who loved ME and lived with and depended upon me. I miss her more as time goes by.

But then - had her, didn't I. All that time. All those years. Only me. I can focus on her absence, large as the sky, or her presence here, and what she gave me. Would that all of us had such a gift.
Ah, but i miss you, sweetface, and it's not abated in any way as yet.

Not getting better

I think perhaps because my Dad died right after lila, my grief process was delayed and I stayed in this weird state of shock for some time.
The past few days I've been very sad and close to depression. I miss her so much. Thirteen years is a long time and we went through so much together. My life feels so strange without her...my heart just wrenches when I pcuture her little smile. She was the very essence of sweetness, cleverness, loveliness. I keep hearing about puppies but I'm so worried they'll be "cute, lovable, but not Bo". I think as long as I feel that way, it's too soon.
Dan is better, but down at times too.

Other life struggles just continue unabated. Had a great talk with a friend last night about why so much grief and suffering has been visited upon me this past few years; it's not the God she understands to have good people suffer so much. But for me, it's more about karma, so I try to shoulder it as best I can, and repair it. Whatever the karma came from - probably parents, or past life, because I think I'm a pretty good human in this go-round - I know it's my task to repair it. So I strive to be ever-better. At the end of this life all we have is our soul, and I hope mine will be intact.

And it's strange too, because while I've lost the things I worked SO DAMN HARD for, I mean they were just WHOOSH! gone, and not my own doing - I am also strangely at peace. I have learned to live so much more in the moment, to love with all my being, to cherish the sound of the wind and the sighs of the dawn. The material things can come back, the energy and hopefulness can return. But what I've gained, even through the "grace" of suffering, is immeasurable. So, while I can't say I exactly embrace the disasters that have befallen me, I cans till derive meaning and strength from them.

I love my work and my animals, and the forest, and my spiritual path, and I have not hate in my heart, though I see it all around me.



I just miss my sweetheart so much.

Carrying the Pain

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J1oiiE7CyZ0

I would be happy just to hold the hands I love/
and to be once again with you.

I miss you, Bo.

Finally

So finally, last night, in the wee hours before dawn, you decided you were ready to come to me.
Tonight I cannot wait to sleep, in the desparate hope you will be here again.
It was only a moment, but there you were. I could feel your fur, the deep ruff around your neck, I was back with you, and it was as real as the day.

When I awoke, Danny was staring straight at me with that concerned little Ridgeback face, and I knew I'd been making sounds in my sleep.
I could barely drag myself awake, I was so far gone when we had met, out on the astral, and how comforting those fleeting moments were.

Sometimes, the pain unravels me.
Sometimes I am filled with peace and love that you were ever here.
Always, always, I miss you, and what I wouldn't give for one hour more.
Mommy loves Lila, so much love Lila.

Despite all that has happened in the past few weeks, I make space to mourn for your passing, and time to be with you still.

Determinata

Hello, Bunny.

Today I've been having trouble not crying. Well, it's ok. I wouldn't be normal if I wasn't crying a lot still. You've left this enormous space, but the truth is, you filled so much of what was empty in me and healed so much of what was broken, that you really are almost as much presence as absence. Or as John O puts it, the sore well of absence has become a tender presence. you are here as well as not here. I ache for you. I miss you. And so it will be.

I found a little booklet I had made waaay back, at The Swamp, with some funny phrases and pictures of you, little stories and so on. Oh, the passing of time. Where did those days go, Bo? I hadn't recalled the Yabba Dabba song for ages. It started me crying, but not with any regret, just that I miss you, and your funny little Boo Radley ways. (One day I will explain this idiotic nickname and how it came to be your most enduring. But not today).

A habit of mine was to nickname you all these silly things by just putting an "a" on the end of whatever quality I felt you were exhibiting; hence, "eleganza" and "delicata" and the ever popular "determinata". My, my, but you could be a determined little being. I loved that about you and how I relate: we both might appear to be a little wifty but the backbone is stainless steel. You could get away with so much by being so sweet (and that may have been true of me, once upon a time, thought these days I've abandoned the tactic).

The pics here illustrate you at your determined best; while Jasmine and Luke headed contentedly back to the hosue after a walk, you, madame, had to bolt off into the woods for one last frenzied check-in. Even in snow several times too high for you, you'd pin those ears flat to the head and off you'd go. I love this picture because it really shows a part of you I cherish: determinata. Were you sweet, kind, and funny? Yes of course. Were you pliable, co-operative, and gentle? Without a doubt. But there was a core of some strange ferocity in there I admired, related to, and loved. Dammit all, I NEED to go off the trail this one last time.

Off you go, you little minx. Don't be too long. I'll be waiting.

Oneness

Forever Oneness,

who sings to us in silence,

who teaches us through each other.

Guide my steps with strength and wisdom.

May I see the lessons as I walk,

honor the Purpose of all things.

Help me touch with respect,

always speak from behind my eyes.

Let me observe, not judge.

May I cause no harm,

and leave music and beauty after my visit.

When I return to forever

May the circle be closed

and the spiral be broader.

-- Bee Lake

And one more

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3xZlhaLT7IY&feature=related

Hear my silent prayer
Heed my quiet call
When the dark and blue surround you
Step into my sigh
Look inside the lght
You will know that I have found you.

The Promise

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sqxbZq7d86Q&feature=related

Darling Lila, I promise
Nothing we did will be lost or forgotten
I will carry this pain proudly,and with strength
For it is the deal we make with God -
"the joy then, the pain now"
And in time
I will feel
the joy overcome the sore well of grief
that today, is my heart.

I will be well
I will remember
I will carry on
I will laugh and be silly
I will make huge piles of dog food
Sleep in the afternoon
Exercise twice a day
Cherish my pack
Keep your toys safe
Lie on the floor regularly
Howl at the Moon

and above all
I will find you.

I promise.

Under the Silver Maple

How still and wide the presence of you is. Still like the air just before sunrise, quiet with presence not yet revealed, and wide like the sky in Nova Scotia, the stars I had never seen back in this part of the country, the breathtaking glory of night by the ocean.

How quiet the house, and long the day with a small smiling angel removed from it.

I've been keeping myself so busy and distracted, Bo. Just to hold the emptiness at bay. It's always like this; my friends are here, Danny needs to be cared for, and then there's the cats. Yes, Ogden is sort of moving into the spot Howard left...you remmeber how Howie used to sit on that part of the railing, near the kitchen, overseeing everything that went on? That's where Ogden sits now, he's the new Sentinel. Jay's been bringing him in to the livingroom to lie on me at night, it's so strange to have 11 cats and none of them feel they can enter the livingroom. But Danny has settled down now,he doesn't harass them so much - and I often have Ogden, Amidala, Rupa and Rasa in at the same time. Ogden is really bonded to me now. I'm afraid for him, since I love him, and idiotically I feel everything I love is in danger. If that were true, how did you and I manage 13 years?


I keep myself busy, watching movies, working a little, and now, with dad. But more on that later. This blog is for you and me.

No news on the deck; I struggle with anger as I try to help people's dogs and I cannot do this for Danny. But I know it will come, and if it doesn't, we will move next year. Simple as that. I do all I can to shield Danny, but the wood is arsenic laden and splintered and worn with age. I feel I must deserve at least this much, that I can keep Danny safe? But it's been a circus around here about the deck. Everyone's gonna do it, nobody does. And right now I'm just too down- hearted and tired to get out there spreading the word about natural nutrition (and thus - hopefully - making a living as I do). I need the downtime, and so the deck just sits there. Still no van, either. So it's the same old struggle, to be grateful for all I have while not exploding over the injustices I can do nothing about. I have a long way to go on that one, still.

But...the things we can do. Yes, that's more positive. I took Dan this morning to the long trail down to the lake - I'm a wee bit nervous with him offleash when the foliage is dense, but he stays close. He seems a bit better now. He misses you so much, Bo. He was just the soul of dejection for the first while. We all think he's doing better, and he is. But I lie beside him at night and feel his breathing, listen to his heart as I used to do with you. And I feel the hurt. He's growing now into more of a young man, as pain will always accelerate the process. But he's never going to be the same, Bo. None of us are. Me most of all. You have left me so much a better person than you found me, and also so indescribably sad.

I'm going, now, out to that spot I always sit on, the green wicker chair, you know the place you disliked because it wasn't shady. I still have those pics of you in the lilies, when with your usual understated sense of humour you had crawled into them to escape the sun, but still be close to me. Luke and Dan will just loll in the sun, RRs are like that. Luke would loll till he was panting with heat then demand to go inside (NOW). Dan sits watching the back field with that bright, alert little mouse-face of his, and then collapses for a few minutes, rests, pops back up again - looking, looking..(Cats! Groundhogs! OMG Mom - DEER!!) dan doesn't loll as much as coils up and lowers the drive for a few seconds, then explodes back into full throttle enthusiasm and energy.

But it bothered me you had to go across the yard to the lilies. I couldn't move my seat to the spot under the aspen you seemd to prefer, it's not a good spot for me - no view, too close to the bird feeders, no sun at all. And I felt like those were my choices, you know - sit in my green wicker chair, where I could read and view the fields - or move myself under the aspen close to you, but unhappy with the sahde and seclusion. I guess I've long felt like I was trying to balance things that just can't be done. So, although Younger Me loathes the very word, I had to compromise. As I've grown older I more or less have Younger Me in check, and I understand that compromise is not always great, but very often necessary. But I was sorry to sit with Danny and have you all the way over there, distanced from the pack. I worried that you felt the distance as significant, dogs are so visual and sensitive to things like that. I always worried you felt pushed aside by one large dynamic RR male or another. You were so accommodating, while our boys, errr...are not. :)

Then the other day I noticed the silver maple as if I'd only just then discovered it's presence.

And I understood something - THAt was were we were *supposed* to sit...dammit! that was the spot outside the box, the resolution to all this consternation about which tree and how close and so on. And it struck me through the heart, because not only did YOU not really find your spot, so too did I not see what - now - is so patently obvious. I was struggling to balance these two apparent choices, and the right answer was neither one. The silver maple was "our spot". And for several minutes I just couldn't believe I'd been so dumb, as to let you down, and my heart twisted with the pain of thinking you'd never sit there with me..smiling, panting, feeling close to me, this person you loved so much (and I still wonder why).

but then, as you might predict, a wave of peace washed over me. Peace - and triumph, Bo! because I knew that the spot under the silver maple was still mine to sit in... that you were really pretty cool, literally and figuratively, under your lily patch. That I was the one looking all night for my spot and not seeing it till I fell asleep and dreamed. But now I have it, and that's where Dan and I will sit - and Iona, when she comes. We will sit there and I'll write and calculate and read and..best of all...just BE. we found a new special place and even though it will mean moving that damn ugly fence a little, it'll be worth it. Because, you'll be so with us, so present and so at peace. In my heart you will be there and, I am sure, outside in the air, the light, the holy soundless morning, the first rays of sun through the forest, the rustle of the aspen from away across the yard.

Delicate, beautful, and strong like you, the silver maple will shelter us, and we will all be cool and covered, and I will enjoy the view.

Such a small thing, this, and so brimming with poignance and meaning...you, and the silver maple.

We Will Fight No More

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hy3khpOPcDY

Hello, Lamb, I love you

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NlyQbS347mE


And so here we are, Bo, on a sunny June day, talking to one another from across the unseen chasm. I was just sitting outside with Dan, listening to the aspen tremble, and feeling such a powerful presence of God all around us. I have been speaking with you so much lately, sending you my love, my prayers, my gratitude. And this morning I just felt like talking some more. I know how sad you are not to be with me on my fiftieth birthday, and you know how heartbroken I am. So I guess you've sent some special things to comfort me, and I knew them as soon as I saw them. I wanted to thank you, because I don't think I thanked you enough when you were here in body. Why do humans pay more attention to beings that have died? Calling that our "nature" isn't good enough for me. I think it's something we have to work on. So, I'm thanking you today and holding your love extra close, so you know I'm ok, and that I got all the messages - the lovely understated whimsical messages, such as they would be.

First, last night, the star- shaped light your candle cast on the wall behind your shrine. You know I am doing a Pagan sort of Kaddish for you, and that means nightly I light a white beeswax candle and send you my prayers before I sleep. You'd have loved that in real life, because it's a beautiful shrine, and you always seemed to love beautiful things as much as I do, although maybe you *just* loved how much I enjoyed them. At any rate, I looked behind the candle and there was this perfect star on the wall and I knew it was you, in all your stellar glory. I could hardly speak with the rush of love inside me. Ok, Bo, you're here again where you left off. I knew it. Luke came to me, repeatedly and now you. Tears of laughter, love, and pain. Dan and I slept better than in weeks.

Then this morning; the rosy pink Iris has blossomed. Ah, Iris - Messenger of the Gods - and one of my favourite garden flowers. I just stood there in the (finally cooler) morning air, latte in hand, Ogden winding around my leg, and thought "Hi, Bo. How thoughtful of you to send me a flower message on my birthday."

Because you know anything beautiful, magical, unexpected and sweet will be you, whenever I see it.

So then yesterday afternoon, my two cedar waxwings, up in the back tree, sitting overhead looking at me. Just one year ago I had rescued one and on the morning of my bday, released him at dawn, he flew away so easily. I thought back then, what a lovely way to start this year. So then when I saw them yeserday, I wondered if you might have prompted them to swoop in on me like that and say hello.

Anything I see that's innocent, sweet and magical...

You know my heart is beyond broken to have you gone. It seems to me, as I was saying to Aunti Donna today, that you and I were all about facing battles together and winning; from my illness, to your puppy issues, then we did TTouch together, and then we faced down your double ACL ruptures, your spondylosis, heart disease, my brother's death, various moves and hard times, losing Luke, your cancer last fall - I mean we are a pair of TOUGH OLD BIRDS, as Dr. Eddie would call us (well, you he'd call that, he's far too discreet to call ME a tough old anything). But we are, aren't we? And both sort of...girly, humourous, and easily understimated. The bottom line is, whatever happened, we faced it together, and we won through. So this time the fact we didn't, well it's so weird for me. Added to the heartache of you not being here, is this strange and disorienting sense of failure. I wake up at 4 am and think - damn, why didn't we do chemo? Or...what if we had never moved to the house in Rupert, would you never have developed cancer?

And the scientist in me just smiles, while the spirit will not be assuaged. Sure, I *know* Eddie would have given me options if he felt there were any. Sure, I know another anastheisa would have been likely to kill you faster than the cancer. I know, I know - but then, I get to thinking with my heart, the heart that echoes our experience together...the one that says, Lila and I do not lose. not ever. She's my girl, we're Xena and Gabrielle, nobody separates us.

Well you know, eventually all must die, even brave little Bunny-dogs who fell from the Pleiades and seemd to survive just about everything. . And I'm not sure it matters if we had been able to grab another few months - the thing is that we DID prevail, Bunny - we DID "win out" in the end, because look at what we got! We got almost 14 years for you, despite dire early prognoses, and all kinds of strife and hassle...Aunti Diana loaning us the funds for last fall was some sort fo miracle. Look at how far you brought me, too - from relative novice in the nutrition field to where I ma now - my diploma, endorsed by Dr. B and other prominent vets - my site, my book - that's all YOU Bo! and with one session left in TTouch - that's you too, sweetheart. you brought me back to my centre, to the place in me that wants to work in a healing capacity with animals, and because of you, I am doing this work. But even more importantly, because of YOU, I am so much closer to becoming the human being I can be and want to be - the Possible Human. I look back to where I was spiritually , 13 years ago, and I hardly recognize myself. and that's you too, Boona - your love, sweetness, devotion, and above all, unwavering love for me. You healed me more than anyone or anything ever has, from the deep and abiding wounds of the past, from my own feras and frailties,and you showed me what an unspeakable, unshakable force love can really be, vast and oceanic in its depths and capacity.

And so I don't really think we lost this one, I don't really believe because you have died that we are separated forever. I miss your warm solid little body beside me at night to the point of anguish. I miss your funny little smile and the way you pounced on your toys like a puppy right to the end of your days. I miss that open hearted direct gaze of yours, the way you studied my face, and as soon as I broke down and smiled, you'd smile too. Oh GOD, but I cannot itemize all that I miss or I will never stop writing. BUt you know, I have you here still so powerfully. In my work, in my healing journey, in the very fact I even have Daniel (cuz I'd never have been able to manage a Ridgeback in the first place without your stabilizing influence), in every wonder I perceive, in the calibre of person I am and strive to yet become.

That's all you, Bunny. So here on my fiftieth birthday, with so much life behnd me and so much more yet to live, I embrace you with all my being. I rub your tummy and you roll over and rub your nose in gratitude. You loved it all so much, didn't you sweetie - and you so much loved me, for whatever reason that was. I love you too and always will. Let's do it all again soon.
I strive to be healed and whole, in honour of you, and in the spirit of tomorrow.

Mommy loves Lila, so SO much love Lila.

In Every Brook, Bo - On Every Path

Bo, my little bunny dog, I am watching the backyard, and how beautiful it is. So lovely, so stirring, I had to put on the Tallis Scholars, and stand watchng the wind move the long grass uphill, the clouds passing overhead casting their large, swift shadows over the scene, passing by quickly, but one after another. These are the moments when time stands still and eternity feels omnipresent, and in that strange and uplifted consciousness we find the places we love best, places in the heart, and the souls we long for are present in every way but form.

I could see you there Bo, and how much my heart quakes and tenses, with the anguish of loss and the joy of remembrance. you were so much to me (and always will be). People can say what they want, about the physical form you took, that I'm some sort of loser to love a dog so much. What do they know, Bo? I mean, shouldnt we just feel sorry for those who need to place hierarchical value - not only on love, but on how someone else loves?

We have a secret, you and I...

And so this poem came to mind, you know, the one I used to read on the net, when someone else's dog had died, and I'd sit here crying like a fool, and you'd go get me a few toys to stop the tears - you remember it, Bo? I don't know why it got me by the heart, moreso than all the others, but maybe it was the last line, and maybe in some quiet moment of prescience I knew today was coming - when I'd be making Dan's food, and listening to the CBC, and the bed under the computer room desk would be achingly, terrifyingly empty.

We Have A Secret

We have a secret, you and I

that no one else shall know,

for who but I can see you lie

each night in fire glow?

And who but I can reach my hand

before we go to bed

and feel the living warmth of you

and touch your silken head?

And only I walk woodland paths

and see ahead of me,

your small form racing with the wind

so young again, and free.

And only I can see you swim

in every brook I pass

and when I call, no one but I

can see the bending grass.

Author Unknown

In every brook, Bo - in every corner of this house, in every memory I can find... your sweet little smiling face.

Her Ashes Are Home

Tonight is so strange. Wayne and Donna brought her ashes up, and I am tired, but strong. It was a long day, Danny more stressed than me, culminating in an emotional evening with her lovely little blue urn being placed on her table, with the white lilacs, white beeswax candles, crystal lotus, teddy bears, and so on.

I'm tired but strangely at peace. I feel her very close by lately. Some magical moments this morning in the woods, and much to remain grateful for. Alex brought Thai food, we had a lovely, memorable night - discussion turning to angelology, and the night not long enough to hold the ideas and flood of spirit, so needed, so dear. Danny and I sat outside and listened to the forest, long after people had left and the pressure was on to go watch a movie. The air is so alive with magic, I can hear the pitter patter of memory in the singing of the peepers, the night I found my little girl they were in full voice, and it seems both yesterday, and a million years ago.

Played Sibelius, at the suggestion of a friend; played Yo Yo Ma and Glenn Gould, the Tallis Scholars, felt my spirit enlarged by friends, food, love and gratitude.



Mommy loves Lila, so much, love Lila.

Mommy loves Daniel, Mommy loves Luke.

Thank you God for all that I have, and have had, and will again.
Amor Vincit Omnia

Time Stands Still

How strange it is to live like this, caught between sorrow and hope, the past and future., gratitude and grief. It's simpler for Daniel; he's just impossibly sad. This is so cruel, yet I cannot think of a dog for him, not yet, maybe not ever. I try to set up playdates, although it isn't easy. Walking has been limited too, by black flies. I am also unspeakably tired. I know this is from the endless burden of grief, from hormones, from a flare up of my health problems, but mostly from grief and worry.

We'll get better. Today Alex brought me a box full of movies, many I've wanted to see for some time. I read, rest, work a bit, cry, watch a movie. Life feels surreal. Last night we lost power for several hours, and I just lay in the livingroom talking to Lila. It was a beautiful experience. i can feel how deeply she wants me to be happy. I can feel the grace of her being, even after death.

I have another blog going, that deals with the spirituality of dogs and humans, if anyone is interested in a less mournful space.

I don't feel like eating, but I have Danny's dinner to make.
Mommy loves Lila, so much love Lila.

A Rainbow in the Heart

Today has been very challenging so far. Although I am endeavouring to work a bit, and do normal things, I find it hard to function. Danny is very down and only happy when outside - in the house, he's obviously depressed. I get through the morning chores and routines and then the hours stretch out ahead of us like the Sahara desert.

It's been one week almost to the hour I had to let her go.

If you look closely at the last picture I posted, the light in Lila's right eye is shaped like a heart. To me that says it all, that's who she was, her whole life, just such a sweet funny loving little spirit. I feel cheated out of this summer, but it's important to keep perspective - we did get am amazing length of time considering the heart disease and the cancer. I think it does a disservice to both Lila's courage and my greatness of love/determination to suggest somehow either of us failed. I did the best I could and then some. I wish I could have taken her to the cardiac specialist after her enlargement was diagnosed last year. I wish I could have taken her to Guelph for chemo after the tumour was removed. But it was everything I could do to get the blood tests, the medications, food, supplements and so on. As it is I have about 6000 to still pay off from this one year. I don't begrudge a cent, for God's sake it's only money! But I have to keep in perspective that I experienced a terrible financial crisis last year, lost several month work when Luke died, then a few more to finish my diploma and all the time living on - I don't know how I did it. So yes it hurts in the extreme that my beloved girl could not have every last thing possible, things otehr dogs can have because their people have more money than I do, but then I hung in there and always got her what was needed. Somehow, throughout this ordeal of a last year, I stuck to my goals and managed to keep Danny wellfed and exercised, Lila in vetmedin and glucosamine, and get the diploma done. Thank God there were people who stuck by me and helped when they could, and made a world of difference. I dont mean to sound like the love and support of Ellyn, Donna, my mother-in-law etc meant nothing or didnt help. It was just the dismissiveness of those who write me off as barmy about my dogs, or who think that they should decide when a dog dies, that's what's so hard to come to terms with. "Well she was old and had a good life" not only doesn't help the grief, it's infuriatingly dismissive. But, there should be no place for anger when I consider how much love Lila both gave me and how much good has come from her legacy, her brief time on this earth.


I'll just look at that heart in her eye and remembr that Lila was a dog so deeply loved, as to be one of the very most blessed of her species - and mine too - on this planet. That has to count for something, money struggles or no. I will learn to forgive those who have been cruel. I know they cannot fathom this level of love,and for that I should pity them, not harbour anger and resentment.

Bunny's ashes come home on Wednesday. This is going to be a deeply challenging week for us. But if Dan and I can't do it, it can't be done. We're that strong,and that blessed - to have one another, and to have had the Bo.

The circle is unbroken; the lamp shattered, but the light as strong as ever.

On the Death of the Beloved

Though we need to weep your loss,
You dwell in that safe place in our hearts,
Where no storm or might or pain can reach you.

Your love was like the dawn
Brightening over our lives
Awakening beneath the dark
A further adventure of colour.

The sound of your voice
Found for us
A new music
That brightened everything.

Whatever you enfolded in your gaze
Quickened in the joy of its being;
You placed smiles like flowers
On the altar of the heart.
Your mind always sparkled
With wonder at things.

Though your days here were brief,
Your spirit was live, awake, complete.

We look towards each other no longer
From the old distance of our names;
Now you dwell inside the rhythm of breath,
As close to us as we are to ourselves.

Though we cannot see you with outward eyes,
We know our soul's gaze is upon your face,
Smiling back at us from within everything
To which we bring our best refinement.

Let us not look for you only in memory,
Where we would grow lonely without you.
You would want us to find you in presence,
Beside us when beauty brightens,
When kindness glows
And music echoes eternal tones.

When orchids brighten the earth,
Darkest winter has turned to spring;
May this dark grief flower with hope
In every heart that loves you.

May you continue to inspire us:

To enter each day with a generous heart.
To serve the call of courage and love
Until we see your beautiful face again
In that land where there is no more separation,
Where all tears will be wiped from our mind,
And where we will never lose you again.

In the Silence Now

In the silence now there is the joy of memory and the blessing of hope.


I discovered last week that I am no longer able to post youtube links, which is sad for me since I had been saving a few things to post when my little bunny finally left. Music has always been such a large part of my life,and through me, I think also Lila's. I have to be careful right now not to play the sad things too much. yesterday afternoon I played Song for Humanity by Carlos Nakai and Peter Kater - New Age, but stunningly beautiful - and was so overwhelmed with grief I could hardly speak. I know that active grieving is helpful, necessary, that without it we simply will never heal. I read Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in the mornings and it helps. But I also have to think of my poor little man, who is so sad, so deeply affected, it's beyond the pale of what I can stand to see him miss her like this. I know we all have to try to adjust. I just want to spare him the sound of my anguish, as much as I can. I find giving myself emotional rest-periods where I play more upbeat music or simply watch a good film is very helpful, for us both.

I've set up a memorial table for my little bunny, with her pictures, a large white beeswax candle, white flowers, her favourite toys, and my framed diploma from Cynology College. That last may seem a bit odd, but I would never have received it - would never have studied canine natural health and nutrition to this extent, without Lila. She brought me to this work, and to TTouch, and of course, to so much more.

How was it I depended so greatly on her but often didn't even notice it? I think that her love and strength had just become a part of me, of who I am, like the feel of her silky head or the great ruff of fur around her neck is so imprinted on my senses, I can still feel her - I mean I can physically feel her near - and suspect I always will.

Oh how I wish I'd taken time for a few more of her beloved bellyrubs.
Oh how I wish I had been better able to keep Danny from ripping into her toys like he did.

I always expected Lila to understand, good little spirit that she was and is.

Yes, I am experiencing regret, for a dog everyone says I was beyond good to - and, I know I was good to her. I know how deep my love is for her and I know SHE knew it. I also accept that life is never perfect, that I have been struggling greatly this past year with health, money problems, and bringing up Daniel, who is very demanding and high energy. In wanting life to have been perfect for Lila I can't take the hard facts out of the equation - I have problems like everyone else and things are rarely "perfect".

But in the shocking reality of never seeing her again, the mind tunnels backwards into the what ifs. I know she would have died much earlier if it hadn't been for me. I know she had a life full of love, care and respect, one that few dogs, even loved ones, ever enjoy. I know her death was a passage as filled with love and tenderness as anyone of us could ever wish for.
But still, I find ways to look backward and fault myself.

Is this tendency representative of some internal demon I need to overcome, as pop psychology would no doubt insist, or a spiritual truth to be cherished, examined, and cultivated? In our disposable Dr. Phil world we think all problems and pains are thinsg to medicate or fix, asap, but for me, there is always something more.
There are many more things I want to say here - about my girl, about her last days, about what we (me and Dan) are feeling and experiencing now...but I am still physically weakened and awash with sadness, that blunts my ability to both think and communicate.

Right now, I am working through these regrets and listening deeply, listening to that voice which tells me what to do next, because it's the very best part of me. That one voice I trust. That voice she opened my heart to hearing.
And she has indeed left me with issues to examine, things to consider, pathways that lead to the betterment of my own spirit. How often do we really have an angel by our side for 13 years? How often do we allow love to so transform us we barely recognize ourselves?
There is more sadness than words can say - and there are things to be learned and addressed. But there is gratitude, love, joy, tenderness - laughter - and I know, in time, I will get there fully again.

Grace and Grit

Here is what I wrote to my yahoogroup,and I can barely find the energy to rewrite it so although most readers here will have read this, I am just so fatigued right now it's hard to be creative.

Lila died at about 8:15 this morning, surrounded by me, Danny, her beloved
Dad Alex, the gentle and sensitive care of Frances Dugan our local vet, and
the love and prayers of everyone here, which we felt to the core of our
beings. It was a sweet, tender, love-filled passing, much like Lila herself.. Although my heart is completely shattered I know I gave her everything in
this life I could, and that this release was my final - and hardest - gift.
She had a reasonably comfortable, if very drugged night, and was calm and
steady when the sedative came. A few minutes later, Frances gave her just a
little sp, and Lila raised her head, looked straight at Frances, and died.
It took only a very little drug for thet sweet, loving and beautiful heart
to let go and stop beating. She died as gently as a leaf falling softly from
a tree in autumn, carried back to the source with delicacy and grace.


I want to thank every person here who has written on my blog, on this group
or at home and try to convey how muhc your words, prayers, candles and love
have meant to me. I truly do not know what to do with this enormous hole in
my heart and life but I have Dan, I have Luke and Lila's cherished memories
and I have a future to care for so I will find a way. Thank you all from the
bottom of my heart.
I am doing a form of sitting shiva for the next week, so I may be scarce,
but know that I am here and your love and understanding has meant the world
to all of us, perhaps most of all, to lila.
Anything that helped her Mom was so incredibly important to her.

Lila was a beautiful spirit if God ever put breath in one.It was my absolute
honour, privilege and joy to have shared my life with for all these years.

Mommy love Lila - so much love Lila.
Always and forever.
C

My Darling Lila - Dec 21 ,1994 - May 26, 2008

Now the journey of this life has reached its end
And since I cannot go with you
As you leave this world we have shared
You must go forward now, for a time, alone.
I send this prayer to the Creator who brought you to me
To teach, strengthen, love and comfort my human soul
I ask that you be guided on your journey now
through what will lie ahead.

My there be no fear for you Angel Heart
May you feel my love with you always
May you feel my gratitude and love as a cloak around you to keep you warm,
As you live in the mansion of my heart forever

O Creator, O Giver of LIfe and Bringer-In of Death
Protect my darling as she sinks into the deep and primordial sleep
As she approaches the Diamond Light of Heaven
Be a refuge to my darling, my beloved.
Keep her safe from all fear.
Protect her, defend her
Seize her within the endless ocean of your compassion,
Let her rest there in perfection,
And if it is in the best interest of all
If I am worthy and the circumstances allow,
Let her come to me in this life again
That I may know her, love her, and walk a while in joy
once again.


With deepest love
Mom

Small and Large, the things we notice

Last night; I drank a couple too many beers.Should't do that; the lines blur and I can't hold the anguish in anymore.
Yesterday: finally got all the hummingbird feeders up.
Mowed the lawn in my barefeet, tears streaming down my face. The cherry blossoms tore a hole in my arm, I welcomed the physical pain to carry me from this emotional hell.
Made dinner with Danny beside me, my fingers slipping bits of turkey and cheese into his soft mouth, my heart exploded all around us.
Feeding him I feel like the alchemical pelican tearing out her own flesh for her children.
For you, son - anything.

Danny keep me strong. No wait - I need to be strong for you.

Alex made a fondue at 10 pm and despite everything I know about my ability to eat "bad food" late at night,I ate some. My heart pounded for 3 hours.
Despite all that, Dan and I slept well, once we finally made it up to bed, curled up together like two peas in a pod.
God sent me this dog, I know He/She did. He's like no other dog...as was Luke,as is Lila.


It's a sweet, mild, gentle, sun filled day.

I am cooking like a fiend; beef/turkey/sardine and sweet potato dogfood; roast lamb with chardonnay, thyme and new potatoes for my guests, apple pan-cake (I love mixing homey traditional foods with chi chi nouvelle) portobello mushrooms in balsamic vinaigrette over mesclun...asparagus with pine nuts..keep me busy O Lord, lest I fall to pieces right here and now.
I cooked for 6 months straight after Albert was killed. I also lost a full semester at University. What did I know then about dealing with sorrow?


Earlier,I watched Cor St through eyes reddened and swollen...I hope he sound of the theme music comforted her as she has heard it all her life every Sunday, come what may.

Lila and Dan sleep as one beside meas I watch.

Last night I fell asleep beside her, and I had this amazing series of dreams - vignettes from the past...Lila and I making Qabalahs in the sand out of round stones, in the sandpit near our first home.Running in the sand near our house in NS...images over and over and always this sense that she misses Luke so much her heart cannot stand it.
When she was little - well, for her first three years - it was just she and me. I was lonely and angry and she was my solace and joy in this life. We wandered daily through the streams and forests of West Quebec - we watched the stars at night and looked at the moon, listened to the swamp sounds. We learned together and did TTouch and cooked wonderful meals for human and dog, slept by the fire in deep winter and laughed with the blue jays and flycatchers every spring.
Life was so so good ...not easy, but so good..

When Luke came she opened her noble heart so readily. Those were difficult, magical, life-loving days. She withstood this tyrannical, curmudgeonly, uterly adorable little beastie like he was a child of her own womb. In the years that followed they two were joined in a way I thik I may never see again, in human life or canine.


Now I see her where she is and say...I keep saying ..Bo...we can fix this...but I know we cannot.

I wake knowing it was not my dreams, but hers, I was remembering.


Through the depths of the pain I thank the Creator I can say goodbye so consciously and pray so deeply for her to return only to me or not at all.
What guarantees do we have? None at all, and thats why we lie to ourslves so deeply and with such confidence. All I can do is send forth love, carry it with you where you go, my little Bunny.



Mommy loves Lila - so much love Lila.

Danny loves Lila

Send Out Love

And so, my darling Lila, we have reached the end, no matter how bravely and passionately we've struggled and fought. And so, as I told you this morning, I am so heart-bound to you, my soul and yours so intertwined, that I can barely rememebr the person I was for 37 years before we met. To even think that I lived all those years without you is so strange. It's so much like thinking that now, soon, tomorrow or Monday, I will never see you in this form again.

Will you remember how I always had to slide my hand beneath you while we slept, the weight of your body grounding and comforting me?
I will always remember that.


There are so many stories, but I will tell them later, when I have more time to spend with words.



Meditating on love a few days ago, I realized something. That what dogs really teach us is to step outside of the ego, and live as a river flows, the great unfolding, the here and now. And to accept all and let love flow. Working through Lila's dying, and the myriad feelings it all brings up in me, a strange sort of softness came through to me all at once, regarding people in my life who have harmed me - my father, friends I have needed so desparately who denied me help, anger at those who label my brother a "junkie", and so on. I just let go of all the anger and recrimination and I felt blessing flowing out from me so easily and naturally. And it was all so liberating. I sat in the woods with Daniel and acknowledged my pain, that Lila is dying. But then I acknowledged the massive gifts she has brought me and I felt such love. I released the anger I feel at others and I let forgiveness and love just flow. I hope my father survives his operation, I hope my friend who withdrew her help really finds the God she seems to seek, I hope my Mother...finds something akin to peace. At the end of the day, or a life, we are alone with how good and kind we have been able to be. I am not an unkind person, and possibly closer to good than to evil, but I have so far to go. Lila brought me a long way toward contact with my own divinity. She opened gates of love inside me and showed me not to be distrusting of myself, not brittle and hard edged, she showed me that pain is worth it if we've had all this joy. I need to let her go at the same time I let the anger and recrimination of those who have harmed me go too.


I have felt so much lighter, freer, and accepting since this epiphany it cannot be expressed.


Here are my thoughts about love - wherever you find it, in whatever way shapes your being, daily life, and mends your soul; allow it to be a beautiful thing. Never cheapen the love you have by trying to wield it as a weapon to hurt another being. Pray for those who are in pain. Pray the unhappy can be healed and the damaged can be loved into wellness, whether it be from a friend, a lover, a dog or cat, or God/dess. What you send out comes back, it always does. Take the love you have, that you feel, and share it. If you are blessed by love, ACT like a person blessed by love. BE KIND. BE GENEROUS.
Send it out. Send it out. Pay it forward.

"Send Out Love

Prayer is the act and presence of sending this light from the bountifulness of your love to other people to heal, free, and bless them. Where there is love in your life, you should share it spiritually with those who are pushed to the very edge of life. There is a very lovely idea in the Celtic tradition that if you send goodness out from yourself, it will come back to you multiplied ten thousand times. In the kingdom of love there is no competition; there is no possessiveness or control. The more love you give away, the more love you will have."
— Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom
John O'Donohue

Lila does not want to go.Yesterday I summoned all my strength and called Frances to come by at about 8 pm. Lila had been uncomfortable, not eating, and has developed a secondary sinus infection that means I need to swab her nostrils hourly and use ointment to help keep her breathing clear. She has weakened a fair bit and is sleeping most of the time. I have seen a marked decline in quality of life although her cognition is very sharp and her gaze as direct and alert as ever. I know she is not in great pain and I know she does not want to leave, but I ask myself, what am I waiting for? For the pain to get unmanageable? How sick does she have to be before I let her go?

So I cut fresh lilacs and cherry blossoms and filled the livingroom with them - placed cloth with lavender and neroli oil all around the room, lit white beeswax candles, washed all the bedding, put the most beautiful music I know of on the CD, - had a drink - and waited.

Had another drink, called Donna and sobbed like an insane person.
Waited some more.

Decided to give Lil three Tramadols - 60 mgs now - and hope she relaxed. She was becoming agitated no matter how hard I tried to seem ok.

Alex arrived, his face grey with sorrow. He sat on the mat with her stroking her funny little head and saying "What a sweet little soul you are...don't deserve this Bo...what a sweet little girl you are".

I fed Dan outside so Lila wouldnt have to watch him eating.

I sat on the kitchen floor with her and massaged her, using deeper techniques on the muscle, TTouch along the spine, breathing with her and relaxing..
Suddenly the Tramadol kicked in and her head was up, eyes bright, ears pricked - she wanted to go out. We coaxed her out - offered to carry her down the steps - but with that delicate yet determined way about her, she made it outside all on her own, had a pee, came in and had a big drink. Suddenly she had done this big, unmistakable, about- face. I said, just offer her some food and see. Alex made a "smorgasbord" of canned tripe, babyfood, EVO venison, catfood, grated cheese, turkey breast and beef heart.

Lila ate all the beef heart on the plate and asked for more.

She ate more. And more, Possible 2/3 of a cup in total.
And sat there smiling and looking better than she had in days.

When Frances arrived my first words were "I'm not actually trying to be the most difficult person on the planet here". But she totally got that Lila was not yet "there". She did a little examination, had a few words about meds, food, life qualuity - we had talked at length the last time she was here - and left smiling. Her last words were "I'm glad you have few more days with her".

Lila seemed happier last night than in some time - slept well. She has spent the morning moving from one spot to another - sometimes in the office here, other times getting some sun and classical music in the kitchen, on her bed under the table. I've been as normal today as can be expected. Alex drove to the Blair first thing, picked up her Tramadol, came back here with them.

This is my final gift of love, care, connection to my dearest girl,my sweetheart, my souldog. A few more days, and all our attention and love.It's a tribute to her spirit and, I think, how much she has loved her life, that she so badly wants to stay.

I can only send her off with the love she showed me how to feel, share, and believe in. Moment by moment, breath by breath.
Will update soon.

Look at the light...

www.youtube.com/watch?v=L-xsCXEvR6M...and all the time it's a changing

Afer Ventus

Sea of clouds... Umbriel.

Sea of showers.... Ariel.

And we go to the stars.

And we go to the stars.

Sea of waves... Io... Vela.

And we go to the stars.

And we go to the stars.

Remember, life is earth-born. Remember, it is brief.

Remember.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rLhFMW8nZSI&feature=related

from Stephen Levine

"A woman we had worked with, her mother had been very ill. She'd never really gotten along with her mother. Her mother had been very judgmental, quite unkind, abusive. And her mother then became very ill, very ill, and she was the only one of the sisters who would even go and sit bedside. They all had such contention, felt so judged, they really put their mother out of their heart. She was a Zen student. She decided that her work on herself was to be there for her mom. She sat next to her mom, and her mom would go into a light sleep and come out, in and out, as people do when they're real ill. She would just sit next to her mother and wish her well -- not, "Why haven't you given me this? Why didn't you do that for me?" -- not trying to total the accounts, but trying to let her mother, as is, into her heart. That's the basis of relationship -- as is. Because if I want you to be the least different, then you become an object in my mind instead a subject of my heart. Where's the healing there? It's just separation. Her mother had been very nasty in her lifetime, and it wasn't ending just because she was dying. This woman, day after day, sending loving-kindness to her mother. On the day that her mother died, her mother looked up at her and said, "I hope you roast in hell. I hope that you have the worst possible life." Her mother died cursing her, and she died with her daughter sitting next to her, looking at her with soft eyes, and with an open heart saying, "Ma, I hope everything's OK for you." Now for her mom it was terrible, but for her it was wonderful. She had really finished her business. She was just with another human being who was having a hard time. I mean, that's really an extreme story, and hopefully we can all get some glimpse of what that one would be. But that's enormous healing. The woman who was dying died; the woman who was sitting next to her was healing.

MISHLOVE: Who was she healing?
LEVINE: Herself.
MISHLOVE: Herself, yes.
LEVINE: That's all we can heal. If we're not working on our own healing, we certainly can't be contributing to anyone else's healing.

A Time for Grace

http://members.aol.com/guyh7/hospice.htm

http://www.pethospice.org/HOSPICE%20FRAME.htm

"Curing is easy, but not curing is so hard, an impotence in the soul."

Sean Spence

And so, she lies beside me, her breathing a little laboured, but mainly from the nasal issue, not from fluid in the lungs. A while ago I tried some lightly seared beefsteak and she took a few bites - you could see the interest - but just maybe three pieces. I read over and over that cachexia takes many cancer patients - and somehow, this seems avoidable to me. But I can't get her to eat, and Frances says not to force the issue, not to ram Nutrical down her throat or stress her incessantly. I'm asking myself, does she want to go? I think not, and yet...the not eating. Is the body trying to not "feed' the *%@^$* tumour?

Yesterday she did lamb and babyfood, today almost nothing. I talk on the phone, I wash dishes and vaccuum and check in on everyone - Danny, cats, even the reptiles can probably feel my angst - but Lila is never off my mind. She gets up to reposition herself and seems to have a mild panic attack; when I lie down on her bed beside her, her brave little heart is just pounding. I lie there holding her for some time, breathing love into her on every possible level. The heart pounding slows down and she sleeps again. I go back to researching hospice care.

Grace hovers nearby, the house is filled with it.

A double rainbow appears over the forest out back, and I decide to grab a shot.

Thursday

This morning I woke up to some unusal gifts of grace and strength, things I strung together from the oddest places, unexpected bits of courage as our time is so clearly winding down and Lila cannot be asked to stay for very much longer at all now. I mean we may say goodbye tonight. It is raining AGAIN and although I'm as sure as one can be that theTramadol is keeping ehr out of pain, she is weak and inappetant and her eyes today are less alert and penetrating and more clouded and resigned.

I called Frances (who is now pretty close to sainthood in my view) to come and just look at Bo, assess her, see what we can/should do now.

Contrary to my remarks yesterday about wanting company I seem to be sliding into a phase of just wanting to be with Dan, Lila and Alex. I am barely able to work and sleeping about 3 hours a night less than I need, so I feel rundpown and mentally fatigued. But my heart is strong. The panic is more or less over and I am blessedly moving into a place of great strength. I was thinking this morning, out walking with Dan, how tough it's been to lose the three beings I've loved most in my life all within four years(and my little Bubby-Howe, who died from lymphoma last Xmas) . But at least with Bo, she has had a long (relatively long) life, she's had such joy and fun and total adoration from me. I've saved her over and over, from her severe panic when she wa a puppy, to her ruptured cruciates at 3, then heart disease, spondylosis, renal disease and lastly, this wretched cancer. Part of this has to be related to her purebred parent - we know one was a purebred and the sire was likely a Border Collie - some may be related to her nervousness, which both Eddie and I feel predisposes dogs to certian issues - and some may, tragically, be related to living in a part of th world where herbicides are normal and everyone's outdoor decks are laden with arsenic. I've done everything I can possibly do to prevent cancers, and we've had three in two years. I admit I do fear for my DanDan, and for myself and all the cats as well. We are to have the deck repalced in a week or two so that at least is something. But with at least 50% of all dogs over the age fo 10 getting cancer, I guess its not easy to pinpoint it so clearly. Lila's tumour probably originated in the spleen, and she has some sort of nasal discharge as well - both of those were true for luke as well. Coincidence? That seems unlikely to me, but anything is possible.

On another note; Luke's death almost killed me as well, the suddenness and shock, the pain of him being ripped away from me like that. But the ongoing grace is, I am a bit of a veteran with this now, and I know a few things I didn't before. I know to pace myself and take some downtime and balance solitude with company, rest with work, indoors with out. I know not to punish myself for being able to laugh at a funny movie or be silly online with a friend - denial, during grief, is a goood thing. Luke always gave me so much strength, and it appears to be ongoing, another part of his legacy. I always expected he would still be here when Bo died, I mean he would only have been ten this August! and he would be my rock when she did. Instead, he paved the way for me to reach inside myself and see how much I could survive. We still feel the Babe close by and I believe he is close to Lila now.
But grief is very hard work.


Danny has more strength than I often credit him with - he's such a happy little ray of sunshine, and his special genius(I believe every dog has one) is LOVE, so I can overlook the fact that he's a young man now too and he's strong for me in his own way. The ability to make me laugh - I mean really crack up - at a time like this is no small talent. But gazing at him, whether hes' running like the wind in the fields out back, curled up on the sofa, fills my eyes with such love that it soon spreads all through my being and I feel like I'm aglow with it.

Or as I say to Aunti Donna, much to her chagrin - he just keeps on getting cuter.
When Dan was a puppy it seemed he was looking at me all the time - I was so sad when he first came here - and he's just sort of, metaphorically yell "BUT I LOVE YOU!!" and how bad can it all be when you have that?

Aw - we take strength and courage where we can. This morning I woke up to lila seeming brighter than in previous days, probably the higher dose of Tramadol. But as the day has gone on she's refused scrambled eggs with cheese, baby food, catfood, warmed up chicken pot pie, milk. She looks interested and then says no way. I feel from her a resignation, a sadness, not anguish, but then I couldnt let her get there. Although we are keeping her reasonably comfortable I do feel her spirits are low.

Anyway I was reading a local paper and came across the words "recovery and celebration" and I just about fell over - because this is what we will need to focus on soon - recovering from this loss, and celebrating what we had and STILL HAVE...I always promised my Bo I'd be ok after she went, and hard as that is, of course I will be.

Frances just called and is on her way over so I'd best get moving. It's good to be able to talk here, just pour it out. I'll be back, no doubt, in a little bit.

Shorty, you're my Angel

A silly video but a really special song to Lil and me.



http://youtube.com/watch?v=sjQWo6ICHLc

A Few Blessed Hours

Not many people understand how grief affects me. It seems my circle of friends is pretty much comprised of other loners who like to get together twice a month and commune with like minded souls - drink, dance, talk - circle - you know, a sort of thinktank /party, between eccentric individualists who love the *idea* of community and other people, but in actuality, struggle with the reality of dealing with the hassle it brings.

Hence the term "DogTribe" - we love our dogs, we relate to our dogs, and we grudgingly admit to wanting human company from time to time as well. most of us have learned that it's largely a matter of quantity - too much human-time we go crazy...too little...we go crazy.
Moderation and balance once again? But dogs are always this safe haven, this lovely sense of company at the same time one can revel in solitude.

Yet amongst this group even I am somewhat odd, I seem always a little different somehow. I don't know whether to feel really weird or a little special. :) Hey - I can live with either! I just want more human company when I am down like this then I usually do.

But..many say they would prefer to be alone right now, at a time like this - whereas me? I would prefer to have company now, and be alone with it later, once the hurt becomes more manageable. Oh well - different strokes, I guess...

I wan people around me all the time right now, or so I think - but in truth, this first hour of solitude I have here is more than welcome. It could just be that I'm so tired and living in such an altered state at the moment that I can't honestly tell you what I want or need. I would say that having my friends coming and going is what's keeping me "ok" - but right this second, I have to admit that the solitude, despite all thats going on, is one huge breath of release, and the first thing I wanted to do was write a bit.

I can't accurately fill in the last few days, because we are so perilously close to the end and I am so utterly altered from my usual self and routines, that it's all a blur and that, I assure you, is neither cop-out nor exaggeration. Jaye was here, a lot, Lila was up and down, Alex constantly back and forth, many calls, much panic, some sublime hours of sleep and rest and togetherness when for a little bit, all almost seemed like it was ok again.


This is my babygirl and best friend, and what's a bloody week compared to what she is and what she's given me? Why, really, should I expedite this process to suit what others want from me or think would be best?

I sit here at times and I wonder why our entire society is in such a massive denial of death.

Then, I have to face yet another one and i think, ok - so THAT'S why; it's just too damn painful to deal with.
Whoever said denial was a bad thing was some sort of psychiatric sadist. Sure does me a world of good, in moderate doses.

So ok, enough abstraction. What's going on? Well ... in between the rounds of care-helpers who have been here since Sunday, and the talking, the afternoon naps, nightly vigils, the research, the support-seeking ( call me weak, I don't know what to do anymore) and the worry about Daniel, I have the following to report:

1) Lil is still here. She is neither suffering greatly (give me some credit!) nor is she entirely comfortable. Given the situation she is in a pretty-good zone, but it is very tenuous, and I am watching all the time. She eats, but little - goes out on her own, drinks a lot, sleeps well, has some difficulty breathing at times, and wants me close 24/7. Lights are on like she is 5 years old but her poor little body breaking down anyway... Sound familiar, anyone??


2) I have called Frances Dugan twice now saying - ok, you have to come NOW, only to change my mind, after Lila rallied. This is difficult, but we would prfer to do hospice rather than euthanasia if possible. She has bad stretches and good ones, and I'm basically montioring how long they are, so that when the bad ones overtake the good I can make the final decision.

3) Lila has peaceful nights, she is on a lot of Tramadol, and she sleeps well - has rough mornings, but still walks out to pee, still eats (mainly babyfood now) and is still clear as a bell in terms of consciousness. She still glares imperiously at dan when he gets in her face. She still zones out blissfully when I massage her. She is still here, but - very close, and I feel that more and more as time passes.

Today was a rough morning and I actually called the Crematorium to see what we would need to do next. I doubled Lila's tramadol and she does seem better, but it's raining here and she always has had bad days when it rains.

Time is this bizarre tunnel that you look through backwards, and 13 years is like a huge lifetime back, but still only a few minutes.
No matter how much this hurts, and it is GODDAMN TERRIBLE, sorry for my language! it's still sacred time - passing from this life to the next, changing form, finalizing, letting go/affirming love. I am thinking so much about the passages of life that we try to avoid in a society that has lost its sacred centres. We just brush over death and we vilify anyone who needs to spend some time with their losses, calling prolonged grief "wallowing" or even worse, "weakness". I just thikn thats so cruel! On my groups I've met so many other people who suffered like this over a dog, it's comforting to know I am not alone.

I won't hurry this, it is something precious and sacred despite its pain and difficulty. I wont let her suffer but neither will I expedite her passing and deny us one moment of togetherness.

But please - say a prayer for young Daniel - he is really wondeirng about it all, and why being cute, adorable and funny doesn't make Lila get up and play anymore.

It's raining and I've been up since five. Will try to sleep a bit and stay in touch.
Love is all that really counts, and dogs are so good at telling us this.

Thanks for reading my ramblings and not judging me - this is so brutally honest even I question my sanity sharing it - but, I trust this mutual experience, in my tribe. My fellow dog people all know this journey, so I wont feel overly judged.

In fact - I won't feel judged at all.
Cat

Prayer

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ih3aAx-S5xg&feature=related

Let your arms enfold us
Through the dark of night
Will your angels hold us
Till we see the light

Hush, lay down your troubled mind
The day has vanished and left us behind
And the wind, whispering soft lullabies
Will soothe, so close your weary eyes
Let your arms enfold us
Through the dark of night
Will your angels hold us
Till we see the light

Sleep, angels will watch over you
And soon beautiful dreams will come true
Can you feel spirits embracing your soul
So dream while secrets of darkness unfold

Angel from Heaven
You came to me at the bleakest time I had then experienced
You came on a Full Moon of Scorpio with your face full of stars
and you saved me.
Angel from Heaven
you showed me where I needed to heal, how much I could love, and what a world of learning there was for me to gain.
You showed me laughter, sweetness, innocence and the holiness of the Little Way.
Before you I could have been any other human adrift in a sea of unawareness, of ego, believing I knew it all and could be God without ever even being truly good. And even since you have been here I am lost and flailing, torn between so many complexities and veering away from the course all the time. Thank God/dess I have you to bring me back every time.

And all these Moon and Sun tides you walked with me, laughed with me, held me in your noble heart and open gaze when I was pained, lost and tired. All these years you never wavered and you kept me strong.
All these years you have been my life- like earth, air, fire and water. All these years the Spirit in you kept the Spirit in me strong.
You showed me where Soul lives, how love burns through the dross of human failing, how strong I could be and how far I could go.
Angel from Heaven
I am deep in pain for your passing now. I am lost and afraid and I want you to stay. But if this is now the time we all must face, I will carry this pain forward along with the joy, the love and the meaning you have brought to my life.
Angel from Heaven. go with all my love, deeper than the deepest ocean, wider than the sky - go to the Clear Light of the Heaven you came from and know that I am grateful every day for you .
Know above all that nothing is ever lost or forgotten.

Lila, you're my angel, you're my darling.Now and forever. I love you.
I love you.
I love you.

Friday

Friday morning and yesterday turned out to be a good day. Frances is so wonderful. She got Leopold and Evita back here by about 1 pm and then we had a long talk about Lila. Frances will take over Lil's care now that Eddie is away, and she's just ten minutes down the road. It seems somehow fitting that at a time when Lila is passing over, and I am also returning to my centre by going back to my herbal and TTouch work as well as nutrition, that Lila will have this wonderful female vet. It seems part of a tide turning that is bittersweet - bitter because I had wanted Eddie to be the one to help us deal with this, but sweet because we have Frances. Bitter because Lila is leaving, but sweet because of all she has given to me and how much she is loved. It's always seemed to me in life that one thing happened tragically or painfully and somehow something new and good grew from it. Probably sounds hopelessly New Agey and I would never want too diminish another person's pain by glossing it over with that sort of thing. It often takes years before the larger picture can be seen. But there is no downside to having had Lila in my life. Not even the pain of losing her. It's part of the deal. All that joy, now this pain.
As CS Lewis famously said - that's the deal.

You know the saying "there's one best dog in the world, and everybody's got her"....well, in my work with dogs I am blessed to see so many "best dogs in the world", I could only wish every dog had this sort of love and care from a person. tic was talking on the radio show last week - which was great, Donna and Alex did a fantastic job dodging the difficult questions and keeping it light - about dogs in Cuba, the struggle of their lives, and how painful it was for him and his partner to witness. I can't let myself forget that Lila has had an extraoridnary life - the best food, vet care, pride of place in my heart and home, inspiration for my work - as I've said before she leaves a huge legacy. It still boggles my mind that her heart disease was diagnosed EIGHT years ago - she would never have lived this long without careful dietary management and religious administration of supplements. We were so blessed to have caught it early. I've loved this little girl like a daughter and a best friend in one, and I always will.

I do hate talking about her in the past tense, I catch myself doing that and it's nasty. I suppose that's the heart trying to prepare itself. But she is very much here right now. And yesterday although challenging for me -mainly fatigue - was a good Lila day.

I think after waiting all these years to get into the catfood, she is not gonna let go now she's actually allowed to have some.

Yesterday she was quite animated in the morning, with all the hubbub around here, then settled in for a quiet afternoon, but ate reasonaby well. I'm sticking with small bits here and there, she can't seem to cope with a regular sized meal at all. because she has a certain carte blanche right now doesn't mean I'm going to hasten her demise with sugar and so on...she gets home made gluten free cookies, scrambled eggs, bits of cheese, and assorted cooked meats. Yesterday was turkey which she adores. I'd like to try adding a premium food, maybe Merricks with something added to bolster fat, maybe a little stock? NOt worrying about nutrient balance means of course I'm thinking short term. I'm emphasizing iron, copper, zinc, selenium, fat and protein. But this diet is very low in Vitamin D, iodine and calcium to name what pops up first. The nutritionist in me won't let go. But first and foremost I need her to eat.

Thought for today: Lila has had the best of everything, all her life, including my time energy commitment and love. How many dogs, looking at the world overall, come close to this? How many people? The pain I will carry is her continued presence, and as we all know, eventually that pain will turn to loving memories and gratitude. It takes a long while with me, but we will get there.

I wanted to say that last night, after she saw me gathering my things to go up to bed, Lila decided she could navigate the 14 steps up to the bedroom with me, and so I let her do it. I won't be doing that again. I believe it caused her to hyperventilate which she did for some time after getting into bed, due to difficulty getting adequate oxygen. Now her anemia is corrected I think she is getting a reprieve here even if feeding so much iron is contraindicated in longterm cancer management it is definitely needed here. And she feels better for having this corrrected.... I was keeping levels right to the guidelines because that is standard practise for cancer, longterm. But she was a little low in hemaglobin so I've let her have all the heart and beef muscle she wants. I'm sure that's helped. But she CANNOT exert in the slightest, so tonight when Alex joins us here I will have him move the bed downstairs. It's too painful for me to sleep separate from her right now.

On the group I leanred that several others are facing loss right now, or at least the struggle with cancer we have here. My heart especially goes out to my client and friend Lori with her 12 yr old GR Molly. We spoke yesterday as Molly was having surgery - it has turned out to be lymphoma and and likely NOT HSA, which gves them some more time. And last month my friend Rhonda, who has Luke's brothers Scarr and Hudson, lost her beloved RR Una to bladder cancer. Although I would wish these sad events had not happened, there is a solidarity amongst those of us who love our dogs so so much and must "stand in the place of pain" as John O'Donohue calls it. We can at least feel less alone in a world that diminishes the love of and importance of a dog to the human heart.
Many people can lose a dog and feel sad a moment or two, but then move on.
Many people would euthanize an old dog who had no chance of life and was basiclly waiting to die.
Many would - do - think we are crazy when we give our last drop of energy and- literally- last dime to care for a canine friend in need.

Yep, many if not most. But then, there's me - Donna...Lori...Rhonda...Ellyn...and the rest of the TPC group. I'm so deeply grateful for them all.

I'm off for more coffee and to see what my girl might like to eat this morning.