from Stephen Levine

"A woman we had worked with, her mother had been very ill. She'd never really gotten along with her mother. Her mother had been very judgmental, quite unkind, abusive. And her mother then became very ill, very ill, and she was the only one of the sisters who would even go and sit bedside. They all had such contention, felt so judged, they really put their mother out of their heart. She was a Zen student. She decided that her work on herself was to be there for her mom. She sat next to her mom, and her mom would go into a light sleep and come out, in and out, as people do when they're real ill. She would just sit next to her mother and wish her well -- not, "Why haven't you given me this? Why didn't you do that for me?" -- not trying to total the accounts, but trying to let her mother, as is, into her heart. That's the basis of relationship -- as is. Because if I want you to be the least different, then you become an object in my mind instead a subject of my heart. Where's the healing there? It's just separation. Her mother had been very nasty in her lifetime, and it wasn't ending just because she was dying. This woman, day after day, sending loving-kindness to her mother. On the day that her mother died, her mother looked up at her and said, "I hope you roast in hell. I hope that you have the worst possible life." Her mother died cursing her, and she died with her daughter sitting next to her, looking at her with soft eyes, and with an open heart saying, "Ma, I hope everything's OK for you." Now for her mom it was terrible, but for her it was wonderful. She had really finished her business. She was just with another human being who was having a hard time. I mean, that's really an extreme story, and hopefully we can all get some glimpse of what that one would be. But that's enormous healing. The woman who was dying died; the woman who was sitting next to her was healing.

MISHLOVE: Who was she healing?
LEVINE: Herself.
MISHLOVE: Herself, yes.
LEVINE: That's all we can heal. If we're not working on our own healing, we certainly can't be contributing to anyone else's healing.