Determinata

Hello, Bunny.

Today I've been having trouble not crying. Well, it's ok. I wouldn't be normal if I wasn't crying a lot still. You've left this enormous space, but the truth is, you filled so much of what was empty in me and healed so much of what was broken, that you really are almost as much presence as absence. Or as John O puts it, the sore well of absence has become a tender presence. you are here as well as not here. I ache for you. I miss you. And so it will be.

I found a little booklet I had made waaay back, at The Swamp, with some funny phrases and pictures of you, little stories and so on. Oh, the passing of time. Where did those days go, Bo? I hadn't recalled the Yabba Dabba song for ages. It started me crying, but not with any regret, just that I miss you, and your funny little Boo Radley ways. (One day I will explain this idiotic nickname and how it came to be your most enduring. But not today).

A habit of mine was to nickname you all these silly things by just putting an "a" on the end of whatever quality I felt you were exhibiting; hence, "eleganza" and "delicata" and the ever popular "determinata". My, my, but you could be a determined little being. I loved that about you and how I relate: we both might appear to be a little wifty but the backbone is stainless steel. You could get away with so much by being so sweet (and that may have been true of me, once upon a time, thought these days I've abandoned the tactic).

The pics here illustrate you at your determined best; while Jasmine and Luke headed contentedly back to the hosue after a walk, you, madame, had to bolt off into the woods for one last frenzied check-in. Even in snow several times too high for you, you'd pin those ears flat to the head and off you'd go. I love this picture because it really shows a part of you I cherish: determinata. Were you sweet, kind, and funny? Yes of course. Were you pliable, co-operative, and gentle? Without a doubt. But there was a core of some strange ferocity in there I admired, related to, and loved. Dammit all, I NEED to go off the trail this one last time.

Off you go, you little minx. Don't be too long. I'll be waiting.

Oneness

Forever Oneness,

who sings to us in silence,

who teaches us through each other.

Guide my steps with strength and wisdom.

May I see the lessons as I walk,

honor the Purpose of all things.

Help me touch with respect,

always speak from behind my eyes.

Let me observe, not judge.

May I cause no harm,

and leave music and beauty after my visit.

When I return to forever

May the circle be closed

and the spiral be broader.

-- Bee Lake

And one more

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3xZlhaLT7IY&feature=related

Hear my silent prayer
Heed my quiet call
When the dark and blue surround you
Step into my sigh
Look inside the lght
You will know that I have found you.

The Promise

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sqxbZq7d86Q&feature=related

Darling Lila, I promise
Nothing we did will be lost or forgotten
I will carry this pain proudly,and with strength
For it is the deal we make with God -
"the joy then, the pain now"
And in time
I will feel
the joy overcome the sore well of grief
that today, is my heart.

I will be well
I will remember
I will carry on
I will laugh and be silly
I will make huge piles of dog food
Sleep in the afternoon
Exercise twice a day
Cherish my pack
Keep your toys safe
Lie on the floor regularly
Howl at the Moon

and above all
I will find you.

I promise.

Under the Silver Maple

How still and wide the presence of you is. Still like the air just before sunrise, quiet with presence not yet revealed, and wide like the sky in Nova Scotia, the stars I had never seen back in this part of the country, the breathtaking glory of night by the ocean.

How quiet the house, and long the day with a small smiling angel removed from it.

I've been keeping myself so busy and distracted, Bo. Just to hold the emptiness at bay. It's always like this; my friends are here, Danny needs to be cared for, and then there's the cats. Yes, Ogden is sort of moving into the spot Howard left...you remmeber how Howie used to sit on that part of the railing, near the kitchen, overseeing everything that went on? That's where Ogden sits now, he's the new Sentinel. Jay's been bringing him in to the livingroom to lie on me at night, it's so strange to have 11 cats and none of them feel they can enter the livingroom. But Danny has settled down now,he doesn't harass them so much - and I often have Ogden, Amidala, Rupa and Rasa in at the same time. Ogden is really bonded to me now. I'm afraid for him, since I love him, and idiotically I feel everything I love is in danger. If that were true, how did you and I manage 13 years?


I keep myself busy, watching movies, working a little, and now, with dad. But more on that later. This blog is for you and me.

No news on the deck; I struggle with anger as I try to help people's dogs and I cannot do this for Danny. But I know it will come, and if it doesn't, we will move next year. Simple as that. I do all I can to shield Danny, but the wood is arsenic laden and splintered and worn with age. I feel I must deserve at least this much, that I can keep Danny safe? But it's been a circus around here about the deck. Everyone's gonna do it, nobody does. And right now I'm just too down- hearted and tired to get out there spreading the word about natural nutrition (and thus - hopefully - making a living as I do). I need the downtime, and so the deck just sits there. Still no van, either. So it's the same old struggle, to be grateful for all I have while not exploding over the injustices I can do nothing about. I have a long way to go on that one, still.

But...the things we can do. Yes, that's more positive. I took Dan this morning to the long trail down to the lake - I'm a wee bit nervous with him offleash when the foliage is dense, but he stays close. He seems a bit better now. He misses you so much, Bo. He was just the soul of dejection for the first while. We all think he's doing better, and he is. But I lie beside him at night and feel his breathing, listen to his heart as I used to do with you. And I feel the hurt. He's growing now into more of a young man, as pain will always accelerate the process. But he's never going to be the same, Bo. None of us are. Me most of all. You have left me so much a better person than you found me, and also so indescribably sad.

I'm going, now, out to that spot I always sit on, the green wicker chair, you know the place you disliked because it wasn't shady. I still have those pics of you in the lilies, when with your usual understated sense of humour you had crawled into them to escape the sun, but still be close to me. Luke and Dan will just loll in the sun, RRs are like that. Luke would loll till he was panting with heat then demand to go inside (NOW). Dan sits watching the back field with that bright, alert little mouse-face of his, and then collapses for a few minutes, rests, pops back up again - looking, looking..(Cats! Groundhogs! OMG Mom - DEER!!) dan doesn't loll as much as coils up and lowers the drive for a few seconds, then explodes back into full throttle enthusiasm and energy.

But it bothered me you had to go across the yard to the lilies. I couldn't move my seat to the spot under the aspen you seemd to prefer, it's not a good spot for me - no view, too close to the bird feeders, no sun at all. And I felt like those were my choices, you know - sit in my green wicker chair, where I could read and view the fields - or move myself under the aspen close to you, but unhappy with the sahde and seclusion. I guess I've long felt like I was trying to balance things that just can't be done. So, although Younger Me loathes the very word, I had to compromise. As I've grown older I more or less have Younger Me in check, and I understand that compromise is not always great, but very often necessary. But I was sorry to sit with Danny and have you all the way over there, distanced from the pack. I worried that you felt the distance as significant, dogs are so visual and sensitive to things like that. I always worried you felt pushed aside by one large dynamic RR male or another. You were so accommodating, while our boys, errr...are not. :)

Then the other day I noticed the silver maple as if I'd only just then discovered it's presence.

And I understood something - THAt was were we were *supposed* to sit...dammit! that was the spot outside the box, the resolution to all this consternation about which tree and how close and so on. And it struck me through the heart, because not only did YOU not really find your spot, so too did I not see what - now - is so patently obvious. I was struggling to balance these two apparent choices, and the right answer was neither one. The silver maple was "our spot". And for several minutes I just couldn't believe I'd been so dumb, as to let you down, and my heart twisted with the pain of thinking you'd never sit there with me..smiling, panting, feeling close to me, this person you loved so much (and I still wonder why).

but then, as you might predict, a wave of peace washed over me. Peace - and triumph, Bo! because I knew that the spot under the silver maple was still mine to sit in... that you were really pretty cool, literally and figuratively, under your lily patch. That I was the one looking all night for my spot and not seeing it till I fell asleep and dreamed. But now I have it, and that's where Dan and I will sit - and Iona, when she comes. We will sit there and I'll write and calculate and read and..best of all...just BE. we found a new special place and even though it will mean moving that damn ugly fence a little, it'll be worth it. Because, you'll be so with us, so present and so at peace. In my heart you will be there and, I am sure, outside in the air, the light, the holy soundless morning, the first rays of sun through the forest, the rustle of the aspen from away across the yard.

Delicate, beautful, and strong like you, the silver maple will shelter us, and we will all be cool and covered, and I will enjoy the view.

Such a small thing, this, and so brimming with poignance and meaning...you, and the silver maple.

We Will Fight No More

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hy3khpOPcDY

Hello, Lamb, I love you

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NlyQbS347mE


And so here we are, Bo, on a sunny June day, talking to one another from across the unseen chasm. I was just sitting outside with Dan, listening to the aspen tremble, and feeling such a powerful presence of God all around us. I have been speaking with you so much lately, sending you my love, my prayers, my gratitude. And this morning I just felt like talking some more. I know how sad you are not to be with me on my fiftieth birthday, and you know how heartbroken I am. So I guess you've sent some special things to comfort me, and I knew them as soon as I saw them. I wanted to thank you, because I don't think I thanked you enough when you were here in body. Why do humans pay more attention to beings that have died? Calling that our "nature" isn't good enough for me. I think it's something we have to work on. So, I'm thanking you today and holding your love extra close, so you know I'm ok, and that I got all the messages - the lovely understated whimsical messages, such as they would be.

First, last night, the star- shaped light your candle cast on the wall behind your shrine. You know I am doing a Pagan sort of Kaddish for you, and that means nightly I light a white beeswax candle and send you my prayers before I sleep. You'd have loved that in real life, because it's a beautiful shrine, and you always seemed to love beautiful things as much as I do, although maybe you *just* loved how much I enjoyed them. At any rate, I looked behind the candle and there was this perfect star on the wall and I knew it was you, in all your stellar glory. I could hardly speak with the rush of love inside me. Ok, Bo, you're here again where you left off. I knew it. Luke came to me, repeatedly and now you. Tears of laughter, love, and pain. Dan and I slept better than in weeks.

Then this morning; the rosy pink Iris has blossomed. Ah, Iris - Messenger of the Gods - and one of my favourite garden flowers. I just stood there in the (finally cooler) morning air, latte in hand, Ogden winding around my leg, and thought "Hi, Bo. How thoughtful of you to send me a flower message on my birthday."

Because you know anything beautiful, magical, unexpected and sweet will be you, whenever I see it.

So then yesterday afternoon, my two cedar waxwings, up in the back tree, sitting overhead looking at me. Just one year ago I had rescued one and on the morning of my bday, released him at dawn, he flew away so easily. I thought back then, what a lovely way to start this year. So then when I saw them yeserday, I wondered if you might have prompted them to swoop in on me like that and say hello.

Anything I see that's innocent, sweet and magical...

You know my heart is beyond broken to have you gone. It seems to me, as I was saying to Aunti Donna today, that you and I were all about facing battles together and winning; from my illness, to your puppy issues, then we did TTouch together, and then we faced down your double ACL ruptures, your spondylosis, heart disease, my brother's death, various moves and hard times, losing Luke, your cancer last fall - I mean we are a pair of TOUGH OLD BIRDS, as Dr. Eddie would call us (well, you he'd call that, he's far too discreet to call ME a tough old anything). But we are, aren't we? And both sort of...girly, humourous, and easily understimated. The bottom line is, whatever happened, we faced it together, and we won through. So this time the fact we didn't, well it's so weird for me. Added to the heartache of you not being here, is this strange and disorienting sense of failure. I wake up at 4 am and think - damn, why didn't we do chemo? Or...what if we had never moved to the house in Rupert, would you never have developed cancer?

And the scientist in me just smiles, while the spirit will not be assuaged. Sure, I *know* Eddie would have given me options if he felt there were any. Sure, I know another anastheisa would have been likely to kill you faster than the cancer. I know, I know - but then, I get to thinking with my heart, the heart that echoes our experience together...the one that says, Lila and I do not lose. not ever. She's my girl, we're Xena and Gabrielle, nobody separates us.

Well you know, eventually all must die, even brave little Bunny-dogs who fell from the Pleiades and seemd to survive just about everything. . And I'm not sure it matters if we had been able to grab another few months - the thing is that we DID prevail, Bunny - we DID "win out" in the end, because look at what we got! We got almost 14 years for you, despite dire early prognoses, and all kinds of strife and hassle...Aunti Diana loaning us the funds for last fall was some sort fo miracle. Look at how far you brought me, too - from relative novice in the nutrition field to where I ma now - my diploma, endorsed by Dr. B and other prominent vets - my site, my book - that's all YOU Bo! and with one session left in TTouch - that's you too, sweetheart. you brought me back to my centre, to the place in me that wants to work in a healing capacity with animals, and because of you, I am doing this work. But even more importantly, because of YOU, I am so much closer to becoming the human being I can be and want to be - the Possible Human. I look back to where I was spiritually , 13 years ago, and I hardly recognize myself. and that's you too, Boona - your love, sweetness, devotion, and above all, unwavering love for me. You healed me more than anyone or anything ever has, from the deep and abiding wounds of the past, from my own feras and frailties,and you showed me what an unspeakable, unshakable force love can really be, vast and oceanic in its depths and capacity.

And so I don't really think we lost this one, I don't really believe because you have died that we are separated forever. I miss your warm solid little body beside me at night to the point of anguish. I miss your funny little smile and the way you pounced on your toys like a puppy right to the end of your days. I miss that open hearted direct gaze of yours, the way you studied my face, and as soon as I broke down and smiled, you'd smile too. Oh GOD, but I cannot itemize all that I miss or I will never stop writing. BUt you know, I have you here still so powerfully. In my work, in my healing journey, in the very fact I even have Daniel (cuz I'd never have been able to manage a Ridgeback in the first place without your stabilizing influence), in every wonder I perceive, in the calibre of person I am and strive to yet become.

That's all you, Bunny. So here on my fiftieth birthday, with so much life behnd me and so much more yet to live, I embrace you with all my being. I rub your tummy and you roll over and rub your nose in gratitude. You loved it all so much, didn't you sweetie - and you so much loved me, for whatever reason that was. I love you too and always will. Let's do it all again soon.
I strive to be healed and whole, in honour of you, and in the spirit of tomorrow.

Mommy loves Lila, so SO much love Lila.

In Every Brook, Bo - On Every Path

Bo, my little bunny dog, I am watching the backyard, and how beautiful it is. So lovely, so stirring, I had to put on the Tallis Scholars, and stand watchng the wind move the long grass uphill, the clouds passing overhead casting their large, swift shadows over the scene, passing by quickly, but one after another. These are the moments when time stands still and eternity feels omnipresent, and in that strange and uplifted consciousness we find the places we love best, places in the heart, and the souls we long for are present in every way but form.

I could see you there Bo, and how much my heart quakes and tenses, with the anguish of loss and the joy of remembrance. you were so much to me (and always will be). People can say what they want, about the physical form you took, that I'm some sort of loser to love a dog so much. What do they know, Bo? I mean, shouldnt we just feel sorry for those who need to place hierarchical value - not only on love, but on how someone else loves?

We have a secret, you and I...

And so this poem came to mind, you know, the one I used to read on the net, when someone else's dog had died, and I'd sit here crying like a fool, and you'd go get me a few toys to stop the tears - you remember it, Bo? I don't know why it got me by the heart, moreso than all the others, but maybe it was the last line, and maybe in some quiet moment of prescience I knew today was coming - when I'd be making Dan's food, and listening to the CBC, and the bed under the computer room desk would be achingly, terrifyingly empty.

We Have A Secret

We have a secret, you and I

that no one else shall know,

for who but I can see you lie

each night in fire glow?

And who but I can reach my hand

before we go to bed

and feel the living warmth of you

and touch your silken head?

And only I walk woodland paths

and see ahead of me,

your small form racing with the wind

so young again, and free.

And only I can see you swim

in every brook I pass

and when I call, no one but I

can see the bending grass.

Author Unknown

In every brook, Bo - in every corner of this house, in every memory I can find... your sweet little smiling face.

Her Ashes Are Home

Tonight is so strange. Wayne and Donna brought her ashes up, and I am tired, but strong. It was a long day, Danny more stressed than me, culminating in an emotional evening with her lovely little blue urn being placed on her table, with the white lilacs, white beeswax candles, crystal lotus, teddy bears, and so on.

I'm tired but strangely at peace. I feel her very close by lately. Some magical moments this morning in the woods, and much to remain grateful for. Alex brought Thai food, we had a lovely, memorable night - discussion turning to angelology, and the night not long enough to hold the ideas and flood of spirit, so needed, so dear. Danny and I sat outside and listened to the forest, long after people had left and the pressure was on to go watch a movie. The air is so alive with magic, I can hear the pitter patter of memory in the singing of the peepers, the night I found my little girl they were in full voice, and it seems both yesterday, and a million years ago.

Played Sibelius, at the suggestion of a friend; played Yo Yo Ma and Glenn Gould, the Tallis Scholars, felt my spirit enlarged by friends, food, love and gratitude.



Mommy loves Lila, so much, love Lila.

Mommy loves Daniel, Mommy loves Luke.

Thank you God for all that I have, and have had, and will again.
Amor Vincit Omnia

Time Stands Still

How strange it is to live like this, caught between sorrow and hope, the past and future., gratitude and grief. It's simpler for Daniel; he's just impossibly sad. This is so cruel, yet I cannot think of a dog for him, not yet, maybe not ever. I try to set up playdates, although it isn't easy. Walking has been limited too, by black flies. I am also unspeakably tired. I know this is from the endless burden of grief, from hormones, from a flare up of my health problems, but mostly from grief and worry.

We'll get better. Today Alex brought me a box full of movies, many I've wanted to see for some time. I read, rest, work a bit, cry, watch a movie. Life feels surreal. Last night we lost power for several hours, and I just lay in the livingroom talking to Lila. It was a beautiful experience. i can feel how deeply she wants me to be happy. I can feel the grace of her being, even after death.

I have another blog going, that deals with the spirituality of dogs and humans, if anyone is interested in a less mournful space.

I don't feel like eating, but I have Danny's dinner to make.
Mommy loves Lila, so much love Lila.

A Rainbow in the Heart

Today has been very challenging so far. Although I am endeavouring to work a bit, and do normal things, I find it hard to function. Danny is very down and only happy when outside - in the house, he's obviously depressed. I get through the morning chores and routines and then the hours stretch out ahead of us like the Sahara desert.

It's been one week almost to the hour I had to let her go.

If you look closely at the last picture I posted, the light in Lila's right eye is shaped like a heart. To me that says it all, that's who she was, her whole life, just such a sweet funny loving little spirit. I feel cheated out of this summer, but it's important to keep perspective - we did get am amazing length of time considering the heart disease and the cancer. I think it does a disservice to both Lila's courage and my greatness of love/determination to suggest somehow either of us failed. I did the best I could and then some. I wish I could have taken her to the cardiac specialist after her enlargement was diagnosed last year. I wish I could have taken her to Guelph for chemo after the tumour was removed. But it was everything I could do to get the blood tests, the medications, food, supplements and so on. As it is I have about 6000 to still pay off from this one year. I don't begrudge a cent, for God's sake it's only money! But I have to keep in perspective that I experienced a terrible financial crisis last year, lost several month work when Luke died, then a few more to finish my diploma and all the time living on - I don't know how I did it. So yes it hurts in the extreme that my beloved girl could not have every last thing possible, things otehr dogs can have because their people have more money than I do, but then I hung in there and always got her what was needed. Somehow, throughout this ordeal of a last year, I stuck to my goals and managed to keep Danny wellfed and exercised, Lila in vetmedin and glucosamine, and get the diploma done. Thank God there were people who stuck by me and helped when they could, and made a world of difference. I dont mean to sound like the love and support of Ellyn, Donna, my mother-in-law etc meant nothing or didnt help. It was just the dismissiveness of those who write me off as barmy about my dogs, or who think that they should decide when a dog dies, that's what's so hard to come to terms with. "Well she was old and had a good life" not only doesn't help the grief, it's infuriatingly dismissive. But, there should be no place for anger when I consider how much love Lila both gave me and how much good has come from her legacy, her brief time on this earth.


I'll just look at that heart in her eye and remembr that Lila was a dog so deeply loved, as to be one of the very most blessed of her species - and mine too - on this planet. That has to count for something, money struggles or no. I will learn to forgive those who have been cruel. I know they cannot fathom this level of love,and for that I should pity them, not harbour anger and resentment.

Bunny's ashes come home on Wednesday. This is going to be a deeply challenging week for us. But if Dan and I can't do it, it can't be done. We're that strong,and that blessed - to have one another, and to have had the Bo.

The circle is unbroken; the lamp shattered, but the light as strong as ever.

On the Death of the Beloved

Though we need to weep your loss,
You dwell in that safe place in our hearts,
Where no storm or might or pain can reach you.

Your love was like the dawn
Brightening over our lives
Awakening beneath the dark
A further adventure of colour.

The sound of your voice
Found for us
A new music
That brightened everything.

Whatever you enfolded in your gaze
Quickened in the joy of its being;
You placed smiles like flowers
On the altar of the heart.
Your mind always sparkled
With wonder at things.

Though your days here were brief,
Your spirit was live, awake, complete.

We look towards each other no longer
From the old distance of our names;
Now you dwell inside the rhythm of breath,
As close to us as we are to ourselves.

Though we cannot see you with outward eyes,
We know our soul's gaze is upon your face,
Smiling back at us from within everything
To which we bring our best refinement.

Let us not look for you only in memory,
Where we would grow lonely without you.
You would want us to find you in presence,
Beside us when beauty brightens,
When kindness glows
And music echoes eternal tones.

When orchids brighten the earth,
Darkest winter has turned to spring;
May this dark grief flower with hope
In every heart that loves you.

May you continue to inspire us:

To enter each day with a generous heart.
To serve the call of courage and love
Until we see your beautiful face again
In that land where there is no more separation,
Where all tears will be wiped from our mind,
And where we will never lose you again.