Send Out Love

And so, my darling Lila, we have reached the end, no matter how bravely and passionately we've struggled and fought. And so, as I told you this morning, I am so heart-bound to you, my soul and yours so intertwined, that I can barely rememebr the person I was for 37 years before we met. To even think that I lived all those years without you is so strange. It's so much like thinking that now, soon, tomorrow or Monday, I will never see you in this form again.

Will you remember how I always had to slide my hand beneath you while we slept, the weight of your body grounding and comforting me?
I will always remember that.


There are so many stories, but I will tell them later, when I have more time to spend with words.



Meditating on love a few days ago, I realized something. That what dogs really teach us is to step outside of the ego, and live as a river flows, the great unfolding, the here and now. And to accept all and let love flow. Working through Lila's dying, and the myriad feelings it all brings up in me, a strange sort of softness came through to me all at once, regarding people in my life who have harmed me - my father, friends I have needed so desparately who denied me help, anger at those who label my brother a "junkie", and so on. I just let go of all the anger and recrimination and I felt blessing flowing out from me so easily and naturally. And it was all so liberating. I sat in the woods with Daniel and acknowledged my pain, that Lila is dying. But then I acknowledged the massive gifts she has brought me and I felt such love. I released the anger I feel at others and I let forgiveness and love just flow. I hope my father survives his operation, I hope my friend who withdrew her help really finds the God she seems to seek, I hope my Mother...finds something akin to peace. At the end of the day, or a life, we are alone with how good and kind we have been able to be. I am not an unkind person, and possibly closer to good than to evil, but I have so far to go. Lila brought me a long way toward contact with my own divinity. She opened gates of love inside me and showed me not to be distrusting of myself, not brittle and hard edged, she showed me that pain is worth it if we've had all this joy. I need to let her go at the same time I let the anger and recrimination of those who have harmed me go too.


I have felt so much lighter, freer, and accepting since this epiphany it cannot be expressed.


Here are my thoughts about love - wherever you find it, in whatever way shapes your being, daily life, and mends your soul; allow it to be a beautiful thing. Never cheapen the love you have by trying to wield it as a weapon to hurt another being. Pray for those who are in pain. Pray the unhappy can be healed and the damaged can be loved into wellness, whether it be from a friend, a lover, a dog or cat, or God/dess. What you send out comes back, it always does. Take the love you have, that you feel, and share it. If you are blessed by love, ACT like a person blessed by love. BE KIND. BE GENEROUS.
Send it out. Send it out. Pay it forward.

"Send Out Love

Prayer is the act and presence of sending this light from the bountifulness of your love to other people to heal, free, and bless them. Where there is love in your life, you should share it spiritually with those who are pushed to the very edge of life. There is a very lovely idea in the Celtic tradition that if you send goodness out from yourself, it will come back to you multiplied ten thousand times. In the kingdom of love there is no competition; there is no possessiveness or control. The more love you give away, the more love you will have."
— Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom
John O'Donohue

Lila does not want to go.Yesterday I summoned all my strength and called Frances to come by at about 8 pm. Lila had been uncomfortable, not eating, and has developed a secondary sinus infection that means I need to swab her nostrils hourly and use ointment to help keep her breathing clear. She has weakened a fair bit and is sleeping most of the time. I have seen a marked decline in quality of life although her cognition is very sharp and her gaze as direct and alert as ever. I know she is not in great pain and I know she does not want to leave, but I ask myself, what am I waiting for? For the pain to get unmanageable? How sick does she have to be before I let her go?

So I cut fresh lilacs and cherry blossoms and filled the livingroom with them - placed cloth with lavender and neroli oil all around the room, lit white beeswax candles, washed all the bedding, put the most beautiful music I know of on the CD, - had a drink - and waited.

Had another drink, called Donna and sobbed like an insane person.
Waited some more.

Decided to give Lil three Tramadols - 60 mgs now - and hope she relaxed. She was becoming agitated no matter how hard I tried to seem ok.

Alex arrived, his face grey with sorrow. He sat on the mat with her stroking her funny little head and saying "What a sweet little soul you are...don't deserve this Bo...what a sweet little girl you are".

I fed Dan outside so Lila wouldnt have to watch him eating.

I sat on the kitchen floor with her and massaged her, using deeper techniques on the muscle, TTouch along the spine, breathing with her and relaxing..
Suddenly the Tramadol kicked in and her head was up, eyes bright, ears pricked - she wanted to go out. We coaxed her out - offered to carry her down the steps - but with that delicate yet determined way about her, she made it outside all on her own, had a pee, came in and had a big drink. Suddenly she had done this big, unmistakable, about- face. I said, just offer her some food and see. Alex made a "smorgasbord" of canned tripe, babyfood, EVO venison, catfood, grated cheese, turkey breast and beef heart.

Lila ate all the beef heart on the plate and asked for more.

She ate more. And more, Possible 2/3 of a cup in total.
And sat there smiling and looking better than she had in days.

When Frances arrived my first words were "I'm not actually trying to be the most difficult person on the planet here". But she totally got that Lila was not yet "there". She did a little examination, had a few words about meds, food, life qualuity - we had talked at length the last time she was here - and left smiling. Her last words were "I'm glad you have few more days with her".

Lila seemed happier last night than in some time - slept well. She has spent the morning moving from one spot to another - sometimes in the office here, other times getting some sun and classical music in the kitchen, on her bed under the table. I've been as normal today as can be expected. Alex drove to the Blair first thing, picked up her Tramadol, came back here with them.

This is my final gift of love, care, connection to my dearest girl,my sweetheart, my souldog. A few more days, and all our attention and love.It's a tribute to her spirit and, I think, how much she has loved her life, that she so badly wants to stay.

I can only send her off with the love she showed me how to feel, share, and believe in. Moment by moment, breath by breath.
Will update soon.