How strange it is to live like this, caught between sorrow and hope, the past and future., gratitude and grief. It's simpler for Daniel; he's just impossibly sad. This is so cruel, yet I cannot think of a dog for him, not yet, maybe not ever. I try to set up playdates, although it isn't easy. Walking has been limited too, by black flies. I am also unspeakably tired. I know this is from the endless burden of grief, from hormones, from a flare up of my health problems, but mostly from grief and worry.
We'll get better. Today Alex brought me a box full of movies, many I've wanted to see for some time. I read, rest, work a bit, cry, watch a movie. Life feels surreal. Last night we lost power for several hours, and I just lay in the livingroom talking to Lila. It was a beautiful experience. i can feel how deeply she wants me to be happy. I can feel the grace of her being, even after death.
I have another blog going, that deals with the spirituality of dogs and humans, if anyone is interested in a less mournful space.
I don't feel like eating, but I have Danny's dinner to make.
Mommy loves Lila, so much love Lila.
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2 comments:
Cat,
Now is not the right moment, but in your own words......
"Let her come to me in this life again
That I may know her, love her, and walk a while in joy once again."
Please, Cat, do not shut out the thought of another dog, you have so much to give....love, compassion, understanding and the willingness to treat them as an equal.
I remember the struggles you went through when you lost Luke and the concern you had then for Lila's sense of loss, the grief she was going through. Was it the right thing or the wrong thing to get another dog, if not for you, but for Lila? You went forward and found Daniel. When you speak of him your love shows through like a shining beacon. They say how hard it is to read "feelings" in messages posted to the web, but not in your case. Not only do you love your animals, but you respect them.
I truly believe that when you love dogs as deeply as you do, that you never “replace” them by getting another dog. You let a new dog into your life because of the love you have been blessed with. You are honoring those that have passed on by saying “we loved each other so much that I am willing to do this again, even though I know the pain that will follow years down the road, the love we shared was worth it”.
Give Lila a chance to find you once again……………
Hugs to you and Daniel,
Sue
Hi Sue,
I know you're right of course, but it will take time. Everyone has one dog in their life how brings them magic start to finish, and that was my Boo. The anuish I'm feeling at missing hre is indescribable - but, unlike Luke's death which was such a horrific, unjust and terrible shock, I am much more at peace. I don't feel guilt or outrage or any of that. I just feel that an energy has left my life I will never know again. But another part of me knows Lila all too well; if she can, she'll get back here as fast as she possibly can. She never wanted to leave and was never as happy as just being by my side.
I talk to her all the time, and send her my love, gratitude, and prayers that she can find her way back. This is why I'm just going to wait and see what ahppens, if Lila returns I know it will be both magical and unmistakable. If she can find me, I know she will.
Meanwhile, I have one sad little boy to deal with here - in a strange way, his sadness helps me, because it takes me out of my onw and into that intense,maternal urgency, where you know you have to take care of your child no matter what you might be feeling.
Hence I am trying not to mope and cry as much, trying to play cheerful music, go toss a ball around (I know, with an RR it's practically an exercise in futility, but it cheers him up to ignore me) invite friends, and so on.
We'll get through this, although it's not been easy so far, with such a strong bond and such an amazing story as Lila and I have, how could losing her ever be easy?
Thank you again for being here and for the lovely comments you always make, that cheer and strengthen me in this time of sorrow and introspection. I hope all is well in your world and with your furkids, too.
hugs, Cat
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