Hello, Lamb, I love you

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NlyQbS347mE


And so here we are, Bo, on a sunny June day, talking to one another from across the unseen chasm. I was just sitting outside with Dan, listening to the aspen tremble, and feeling such a powerful presence of God all around us. I have been speaking with you so much lately, sending you my love, my prayers, my gratitude. And this morning I just felt like talking some more. I know how sad you are not to be with me on my fiftieth birthday, and you know how heartbroken I am. So I guess you've sent some special things to comfort me, and I knew them as soon as I saw them. I wanted to thank you, because I don't think I thanked you enough when you were here in body. Why do humans pay more attention to beings that have died? Calling that our "nature" isn't good enough for me. I think it's something we have to work on. So, I'm thanking you today and holding your love extra close, so you know I'm ok, and that I got all the messages - the lovely understated whimsical messages, such as they would be.

First, last night, the star- shaped light your candle cast on the wall behind your shrine. You know I am doing a Pagan sort of Kaddish for you, and that means nightly I light a white beeswax candle and send you my prayers before I sleep. You'd have loved that in real life, because it's a beautiful shrine, and you always seemed to love beautiful things as much as I do, although maybe you *just* loved how much I enjoyed them. At any rate, I looked behind the candle and there was this perfect star on the wall and I knew it was you, in all your stellar glory. I could hardly speak with the rush of love inside me. Ok, Bo, you're here again where you left off. I knew it. Luke came to me, repeatedly and now you. Tears of laughter, love, and pain. Dan and I slept better than in weeks.

Then this morning; the rosy pink Iris has blossomed. Ah, Iris - Messenger of the Gods - and one of my favourite garden flowers. I just stood there in the (finally cooler) morning air, latte in hand, Ogden winding around my leg, and thought "Hi, Bo. How thoughtful of you to send me a flower message on my birthday."

Because you know anything beautiful, magical, unexpected and sweet will be you, whenever I see it.

So then yesterday afternoon, my two cedar waxwings, up in the back tree, sitting overhead looking at me. Just one year ago I had rescued one and on the morning of my bday, released him at dawn, he flew away so easily. I thought back then, what a lovely way to start this year. So then when I saw them yeserday, I wondered if you might have prompted them to swoop in on me like that and say hello.

Anything I see that's innocent, sweet and magical...

You know my heart is beyond broken to have you gone. It seems to me, as I was saying to Aunti Donna today, that you and I were all about facing battles together and winning; from my illness, to your puppy issues, then we did TTouch together, and then we faced down your double ACL ruptures, your spondylosis, heart disease, my brother's death, various moves and hard times, losing Luke, your cancer last fall - I mean we are a pair of TOUGH OLD BIRDS, as Dr. Eddie would call us (well, you he'd call that, he's far too discreet to call ME a tough old anything). But we are, aren't we? And both sort of...girly, humourous, and easily understimated. The bottom line is, whatever happened, we faced it together, and we won through. So this time the fact we didn't, well it's so weird for me. Added to the heartache of you not being here, is this strange and disorienting sense of failure. I wake up at 4 am and think - damn, why didn't we do chemo? Or...what if we had never moved to the house in Rupert, would you never have developed cancer?

And the scientist in me just smiles, while the spirit will not be assuaged. Sure, I *know* Eddie would have given me options if he felt there were any. Sure, I know another anastheisa would have been likely to kill you faster than the cancer. I know, I know - but then, I get to thinking with my heart, the heart that echoes our experience together...the one that says, Lila and I do not lose. not ever. She's my girl, we're Xena and Gabrielle, nobody separates us.

Well you know, eventually all must die, even brave little Bunny-dogs who fell from the Pleiades and seemd to survive just about everything. . And I'm not sure it matters if we had been able to grab another few months - the thing is that we DID prevail, Bunny - we DID "win out" in the end, because look at what we got! We got almost 14 years for you, despite dire early prognoses, and all kinds of strife and hassle...Aunti Diana loaning us the funds for last fall was some sort fo miracle. Look at how far you brought me, too - from relative novice in the nutrition field to where I ma now - my diploma, endorsed by Dr. B and other prominent vets - my site, my book - that's all YOU Bo! and with one session left in TTouch - that's you too, sweetheart. you brought me back to my centre, to the place in me that wants to work in a healing capacity with animals, and because of you, I am doing this work. But even more importantly, because of YOU, I am so much closer to becoming the human being I can be and want to be - the Possible Human. I look back to where I was spiritually , 13 years ago, and I hardly recognize myself. and that's you too, Boona - your love, sweetness, devotion, and above all, unwavering love for me. You healed me more than anyone or anything ever has, from the deep and abiding wounds of the past, from my own feras and frailties,and you showed me what an unspeakable, unshakable force love can really be, vast and oceanic in its depths and capacity.

And so I don't really think we lost this one, I don't really believe because you have died that we are separated forever. I miss your warm solid little body beside me at night to the point of anguish. I miss your funny little smile and the way you pounced on your toys like a puppy right to the end of your days. I miss that open hearted direct gaze of yours, the way you studied my face, and as soon as I broke down and smiled, you'd smile too. Oh GOD, but I cannot itemize all that I miss or I will never stop writing. BUt you know, I have you here still so powerfully. In my work, in my healing journey, in the very fact I even have Daniel (cuz I'd never have been able to manage a Ridgeback in the first place without your stabilizing influence), in every wonder I perceive, in the calibre of person I am and strive to yet become.

That's all you, Bunny. So here on my fiftieth birthday, with so much life behnd me and so much more yet to live, I embrace you with all my being. I rub your tummy and you roll over and rub your nose in gratitude. You loved it all so much, didn't you sweetie - and you so much loved me, for whatever reason that was. I love you too and always will. Let's do it all again soon.
I strive to be healed and whole, in honour of you, and in the spirit of tomorrow.

Mommy loves Lila, so SO much love Lila.