Friday

Friday morning and yesterday turned out to be a good day. Frances is so wonderful. She got Leopold and Evita back here by about 1 pm and then we had a long talk about Lila. Frances will take over Lil's care now that Eddie is away, and she's just ten minutes down the road. It seems somehow fitting that at a time when Lila is passing over, and I am also returning to my centre by going back to my herbal and TTouch work as well as nutrition, that Lila will have this wonderful female vet. It seems part of a tide turning that is bittersweet - bitter because I had wanted Eddie to be the one to help us deal with this, but sweet because we have Frances. Bitter because Lila is leaving, but sweet because of all she has given to me and how much she is loved. It's always seemed to me in life that one thing happened tragically or painfully and somehow something new and good grew from it. Probably sounds hopelessly New Agey and I would never want too diminish another person's pain by glossing it over with that sort of thing. It often takes years before the larger picture can be seen. But there is no downside to having had Lila in my life. Not even the pain of losing her. It's part of the deal. All that joy, now this pain.
As CS Lewis famously said - that's the deal.

You know the saying "there's one best dog in the world, and everybody's got her"....well, in my work with dogs I am blessed to see so many "best dogs in the world", I could only wish every dog had this sort of love and care from a person. tic was talking on the radio show last week - which was great, Donna and Alex did a fantastic job dodging the difficult questions and keeping it light - about dogs in Cuba, the struggle of their lives, and how painful it was for him and his partner to witness. I can't let myself forget that Lila has had an extraoridnary life - the best food, vet care, pride of place in my heart and home, inspiration for my work - as I've said before she leaves a huge legacy. It still boggles my mind that her heart disease was diagnosed EIGHT years ago - she would never have lived this long without careful dietary management and religious administration of supplements. We were so blessed to have caught it early. I've loved this little girl like a daughter and a best friend in one, and I always will.

I do hate talking about her in the past tense, I catch myself doing that and it's nasty. I suppose that's the heart trying to prepare itself. But she is very much here right now. And yesterday although challenging for me -mainly fatigue - was a good Lila day.

I think after waiting all these years to get into the catfood, she is not gonna let go now she's actually allowed to have some.

Yesterday she was quite animated in the morning, with all the hubbub around here, then settled in for a quiet afternoon, but ate reasonaby well. I'm sticking with small bits here and there, she can't seem to cope with a regular sized meal at all. because she has a certain carte blanche right now doesn't mean I'm going to hasten her demise with sugar and so on...she gets home made gluten free cookies, scrambled eggs, bits of cheese, and assorted cooked meats. Yesterday was turkey which she adores. I'd like to try adding a premium food, maybe Merricks with something added to bolster fat, maybe a little stock? NOt worrying about nutrient balance means of course I'm thinking short term. I'm emphasizing iron, copper, zinc, selenium, fat and protein. But this diet is very low in Vitamin D, iodine and calcium to name what pops up first. The nutritionist in me won't let go. But first and foremost I need her to eat.

Thought for today: Lila has had the best of everything, all her life, including my time energy commitment and love. How many dogs, looking at the world overall, come close to this? How many people? The pain I will carry is her continued presence, and as we all know, eventually that pain will turn to loving memories and gratitude. It takes a long while with me, but we will get there.

I wanted to say that last night, after she saw me gathering my things to go up to bed, Lila decided she could navigate the 14 steps up to the bedroom with me, and so I let her do it. I won't be doing that again. I believe it caused her to hyperventilate which she did for some time after getting into bed, due to difficulty getting adequate oxygen. Now her anemia is corrected I think she is getting a reprieve here even if feeding so much iron is contraindicated in longterm cancer management it is definitely needed here. And she feels better for having this corrrected.... I was keeping levels right to the guidelines because that is standard practise for cancer, longterm. But she was a little low in hemaglobin so I've let her have all the heart and beef muscle she wants. I'm sure that's helped. But she CANNOT exert in the slightest, so tonight when Alex joins us here I will have him move the bed downstairs. It's too painful for me to sleep separate from her right now.

On the group I leanred that several others are facing loss right now, or at least the struggle with cancer we have here. My heart especially goes out to my client and friend Lori with her 12 yr old GR Molly. We spoke yesterday as Molly was having surgery - it has turned out to be lymphoma and and likely NOT HSA, which gves them some more time. And last month my friend Rhonda, who has Luke's brothers Scarr and Hudson, lost her beloved RR Una to bladder cancer. Although I would wish these sad events had not happened, there is a solidarity amongst those of us who love our dogs so so much and must "stand in the place of pain" as John O'Donohue calls it. We can at least feel less alone in a world that diminishes the love of and importance of a dog to the human heart.
Many people can lose a dog and feel sad a moment or two, but then move on.
Many people would euthanize an old dog who had no chance of life and was basiclly waiting to die.
Many would - do - think we are crazy when we give our last drop of energy and- literally- last dime to care for a canine friend in need.

Yep, many if not most. But then, there's me - Donna...Lori...Rhonda...Ellyn...and the rest of the TPC group. I'm so deeply grateful for them all.

I'm off for more coffee and to see what my girl might like to eat this morning.