Small and Large, the things we notice

Last night; I drank a couple too many beers.Should't do that; the lines blur and I can't hold the anguish in anymore.
Yesterday: finally got all the hummingbird feeders up.
Mowed the lawn in my barefeet, tears streaming down my face. The cherry blossoms tore a hole in my arm, I welcomed the physical pain to carry me from this emotional hell.
Made dinner with Danny beside me, my fingers slipping bits of turkey and cheese into his soft mouth, my heart exploded all around us.
Feeding him I feel like the alchemical pelican tearing out her own flesh for her children.
For you, son - anything.

Danny keep me strong. No wait - I need to be strong for you.

Alex made a fondue at 10 pm and despite everything I know about my ability to eat "bad food" late at night,I ate some. My heart pounded for 3 hours.
Despite all that, Dan and I slept well, once we finally made it up to bed, curled up together like two peas in a pod.
God sent me this dog, I know He/She did. He's like no other dog...as was Luke,as is Lila.


It's a sweet, mild, gentle, sun filled day.

I am cooking like a fiend; beef/turkey/sardine and sweet potato dogfood; roast lamb with chardonnay, thyme and new potatoes for my guests, apple pan-cake (I love mixing homey traditional foods with chi chi nouvelle) portobello mushrooms in balsamic vinaigrette over mesclun...asparagus with pine nuts..keep me busy O Lord, lest I fall to pieces right here and now.
I cooked for 6 months straight after Albert was killed. I also lost a full semester at University. What did I know then about dealing with sorrow?


Earlier,I watched Cor St through eyes reddened and swollen...I hope he sound of the theme music comforted her as she has heard it all her life every Sunday, come what may.

Lila and Dan sleep as one beside meas I watch.

Last night I fell asleep beside her, and I had this amazing series of dreams - vignettes from the past...Lila and I making Qabalahs in the sand out of round stones, in the sandpit near our first home.Running in the sand near our house in NS...images over and over and always this sense that she misses Luke so much her heart cannot stand it.
When she was little - well, for her first three years - it was just she and me. I was lonely and angry and she was my solace and joy in this life. We wandered daily through the streams and forests of West Quebec - we watched the stars at night and looked at the moon, listened to the swamp sounds. We learned together and did TTouch and cooked wonderful meals for human and dog, slept by the fire in deep winter and laughed with the blue jays and flycatchers every spring.
Life was so so good ...not easy, but so good..

When Luke came she opened her noble heart so readily. Those were difficult, magical, life-loving days. She withstood this tyrannical, curmudgeonly, uterly adorable little beastie like he was a child of her own womb. In the years that followed they two were joined in a way I thik I may never see again, in human life or canine.


Now I see her where she is and say...I keep saying ..Bo...we can fix this...but I know we cannot.

I wake knowing it was not my dreams, but hers, I was remembering.


Through the depths of the pain I thank the Creator I can say goodbye so consciously and pray so deeply for her to return only to me or not at all.
What guarantees do we have? None at all, and thats why we lie to ourslves so deeply and with such confidence. All I can do is send forth love, carry it with you where you go, my little Bunny.



Mommy loves Lila - so much love Lila.