Not getting better

I think perhaps because my Dad died right after lila, my grief process was delayed and I stayed in this weird state of shock for some time.
The past few days I've been very sad and close to depression. I miss her so much. Thirteen years is a long time and we went through so much together. My life feels so strange without her...my heart just wrenches when I pcuture her little smile. She was the very essence of sweetness, cleverness, loveliness. I keep hearing about puppies but I'm so worried they'll be "cute, lovable, but not Bo". I think as long as I feel that way, it's too soon.
Dan is better, but down at times too.

Other life struggles just continue unabated. Had a great talk with a friend last night about why so much grief and suffering has been visited upon me this past few years; it's not the God she understands to have good people suffer so much. But for me, it's more about karma, so I try to shoulder it as best I can, and repair it. Whatever the karma came from - probably parents, or past life, because I think I'm a pretty good human in this go-round - I know it's my task to repair it. So I strive to be ever-better. At the end of this life all we have is our soul, and I hope mine will be intact.

And it's strange too, because while I've lost the things I worked SO DAMN HARD for, I mean they were just WHOOSH! gone, and not my own doing - I am also strangely at peace. I have learned to live so much more in the moment, to love with all my being, to cherish the sound of the wind and the sighs of the dawn. The material things can come back, the energy and hopefulness can return. But what I've gained, even through the "grace" of suffering, is immeasurable. So, while I can't say I exactly embrace the disasters that have befallen me, I cans till derive meaning and strength from them.

I love my work and my animals, and the forest, and my spiritual path, and I have not hate in my heart, though I see it all around me.



I just miss my sweetheart so much.

Carrying the Pain

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J1oiiE7CyZ0

I would be happy just to hold the hands I love/
and to be once again with you.

I miss you, Bo.

Finally

So finally, last night, in the wee hours before dawn, you decided you were ready to come to me.
Tonight I cannot wait to sleep, in the desparate hope you will be here again.
It was only a moment, but there you were. I could feel your fur, the deep ruff around your neck, I was back with you, and it was as real as the day.

When I awoke, Danny was staring straight at me with that concerned little Ridgeback face, and I knew I'd been making sounds in my sleep.
I could barely drag myself awake, I was so far gone when we had met, out on the astral, and how comforting those fleeting moments were.

Sometimes, the pain unravels me.
Sometimes I am filled with peace and love that you were ever here.
Always, always, I miss you, and what I wouldn't give for one hour more.
Mommy loves Lila, so much love Lila.

Despite all that has happened in the past few weeks, I make space to mourn for your passing, and time to be with you still.