I missed the day

May 26th has come and gone and I have thought this whole past month about blogging, but events - mostly computer-related - stood between me and here.

It seems surreal that Bo has been gone a year - death eradicates so much and the heart needs to stay focused and work harder to retain the things it dearly does not want to lose.
I look back with regret, and that's something I need to work on, because regret should not be the thing I remember first. Right now it is, although it's a strange and bittersweet vareity; I regret that the last few weeks of Bo's life I was frantic with pain and I focused on holding it together for ME more than I should have. Too much blog, too much beer, too much frenzied activity..all in an effort not to feel, to anaesthetize myself at least a little. I wish I had had the serenity to face the things I could not change, anywhere near the courage I had to change the things I could. but thats my downfall, my personal weakness, I hate the idea of acceptance.

One thing I know for sure is that grief changes over time, and emotions that overwhelm us in the early stages soften and eventually - like it or not - some form of peace, or dare I say "acceptance" does come over us.

I'm not there yet. I miss you my angel. ANd I'm sorry things were not quite perfect. I expected you to understand me so much. I hope one day, I will be the person I know you thought I was.

Still a work in progress.