A Rainbow in the Heart

Today has been very challenging so far. Although I am endeavouring to work a bit, and do normal things, I find it hard to function. Danny is very down and only happy when outside - in the house, he's obviously depressed. I get through the morning chores and routines and then the hours stretch out ahead of us like the Sahara desert.

It's been one week almost to the hour I had to let her go.

If you look closely at the last picture I posted, the light in Lila's right eye is shaped like a heart. To me that says it all, that's who she was, her whole life, just such a sweet funny loving little spirit. I feel cheated out of this summer, but it's important to keep perspective - we did get am amazing length of time considering the heart disease and the cancer. I think it does a disservice to both Lila's courage and my greatness of love/determination to suggest somehow either of us failed. I did the best I could and then some. I wish I could have taken her to the cardiac specialist after her enlargement was diagnosed last year. I wish I could have taken her to Guelph for chemo after the tumour was removed. But it was everything I could do to get the blood tests, the medications, food, supplements and so on. As it is I have about 6000 to still pay off from this one year. I don't begrudge a cent, for God's sake it's only money! But I have to keep in perspective that I experienced a terrible financial crisis last year, lost several month work when Luke died, then a few more to finish my diploma and all the time living on - I don't know how I did it. So yes it hurts in the extreme that my beloved girl could not have every last thing possible, things otehr dogs can have because their people have more money than I do, but then I hung in there and always got her what was needed. Somehow, throughout this ordeal of a last year, I stuck to my goals and managed to keep Danny wellfed and exercised, Lila in vetmedin and glucosamine, and get the diploma done. Thank God there were people who stuck by me and helped when they could, and made a world of difference. I dont mean to sound like the love and support of Ellyn, Donna, my mother-in-law etc meant nothing or didnt help. It was just the dismissiveness of those who write me off as barmy about my dogs, or who think that they should decide when a dog dies, that's what's so hard to come to terms with. "Well she was old and had a good life" not only doesn't help the grief, it's infuriatingly dismissive. But, there should be no place for anger when I consider how much love Lila both gave me and how much good has come from her legacy, her brief time on this earth.


I'll just look at that heart in her eye and remembr that Lila was a dog so deeply loved, as to be one of the very most blessed of her species - and mine too - on this planet. That has to count for something, money struggles or no. I will learn to forgive those who have been cruel. I know they cannot fathom this level of love,and for that I should pity them, not harbour anger and resentment.

Bunny's ashes come home on Wednesday. This is going to be a deeply challenging week for us. But if Dan and I can't do it, it can't be done. We're that strong,and that blessed - to have one another, and to have had the Bo.

The circle is unbroken; the lamp shattered, but the light as strong as ever.