Here's What I Thought....

...back in the weeks I was writing this blog, I thought that you and I had fought the good fight, we were blessed to find each other, the pain of losing you was part of the deal we make with life when we commit to love, and that I would be ok as time passed, like I was with Luke, things would ease and I'd feel more at peace and less intense as weeks, months, years passed away.

Well, Bunny, as is often the case - I was wrong.
This Christmas is unusually and unexpectedly hard. I feel let down by human friends - to such a degree I can't express it - but with them, I can rationalize, understand - explain. With the loss of a dog like you - an Anam Cara, a friend throughout time - I am at a loss to express how difficult it is. You of course, never let me down, but I often felt I let YOU down - I was a pretty good Mom but if we really understand how short a time we have, I think many of us would be even better.

Still, you were cared for and respected and loved so much, I take comfort in that more than i dwell on the imperfections. You showed me many things I needed to work on, and I did work on those things - you made me a better person in so mnay ways. I often say wouldnt be doing the work I am right now if I had never had you and if YOU hadn't had so many problems at such an early age. we did pretty well, for a pair of New Age flakes, as your Dad often put it.

I miss you, Bo. I miss you more as time passes. I wish I could have one more day, even. Please come back, I know we said (half jokingly) Scottish Deerhound - but right now, I think I'll know you when I see you. And you undoubtedly will be an elegant, graceful, subtle breed. Or mix. Just as long as it's you, it doesn't matter at all.

I put your stocking up yesterday alongside Dan and Tina's and the cat's. Jasmine will be here for Christmas, she's an old lady now and we've made our peace. She misses you. Danny misses you.
I miss you more than anything.
Mommy loves Lila, so much love Lila.

I missed the day

May 26th has come and gone and I have thought this whole past month about blogging, but events - mostly computer-related - stood between me and here.

It seems surreal that Bo has been gone a year - death eradicates so much and the heart needs to stay focused and work harder to retain the things it dearly does not want to lose.
I look back with regret, and that's something I need to work on, because regret should not be the thing I remember first. Right now it is, although it's a strange and bittersweet vareity; I regret that the last few weeks of Bo's life I was frantic with pain and I focused on holding it together for ME more than I should have. Too much blog, too much beer, too much frenzied activity..all in an effort not to feel, to anaesthetize myself at least a little. I wish I had had the serenity to face the things I could not change, anywhere near the courage I had to change the things I could. but thats my downfall, my personal weakness, I hate the idea of acceptance.

One thing I know for sure is that grief changes over time, and emotions that overwhelm us in the early stages soften and eventually - like it or not - some form of peace, or dare I say "acceptance" does come over us.

I'm not there yet. I miss you my angel. ANd I'm sorry things were not quite perfect. I expected you to understand me so much. I hope one day, I will be the person I know you thought I was.

Still a work in progress.

Not Enough

Oh my darling, I miss you so.
How I loved you, you'll never know.
Though it's time for me to let you go.
Oh my darling, I'll miss you so.

Can't believe you're really gone for good.
I still hold on to places you once stood.
I should move on, but I never could,
Really believe you're gone for good.

Oh my friend, what could I do?
I just came home to bury you.
The road is long, the road is rough.
Your in my heart, that's not close enough.

All those years, disappear
All my tears, are not enough, not enough.
How can it be the ties that bind,
Cut down deep and are so unkind?
When we lose them we will never find,
Anything stronger than the ties that bind.

I still have your memory.
One or two pictures of you and me.
Life is long and life is tough,
But when you love someone,
Life is not long enough.

Emmylou Harris, written for her dog Bonaparte

Bo?

I just wanted to tell you how well I did this first Christmas.

I took in Tina, as you know - and I worked through a ton of stuff you always hoped I would - balancing celebration and sorrow, past and future - I missed you the whole way! And now we are sitting here moving into 09 with so much hope and optimism - you're here every step.

Oh if only other humans could find the happiness with one another I feel even in your memory.
What a lambie-dog you are...Mommy loves Lila. SO much love Lila.

See you soon Angel Heart. we missed you - and, I kept my promise...:) I am not just good, I am SOOO good.

love you, angel!
Hug the Beef for me....Mom

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zqt0qB-XQNI&feature=related