Hence the term "DogTribe" - we love our dogs, we relate to our dogs, and we grudgingly admit to wanting human company from time to time as well. most of us have learned that it's largely a matter of quantity - too much human-time we go crazy...too little...we go crazy.
Moderation and balance once again? But dogs are always this safe haven, this lovely sense of company at the same time one can revel in solitude.
Yet amongst this group even I am somewhat odd, I seem always a little different somehow. I don't know whether to feel really weird or a little special. :) Hey - I can live with either! I just want more human company when I am down like this then I usually do.
But..many say they would prefer to be alone right now, at a time like this - whereas me? I would prefer to have company now, and be alone with it later, once the hurt becomes more manageable. Oh well - different strokes, I guess...
I wan people around me all the time right now, or so I think - but in truth, this first hour of solitude I have here is more than welcome. It could just be that I'm so tired and living in such an altered state at the moment that I can't honestly tell you what I want or need. I would say that having my friends coming and going is what's keeping me "ok" - but right this second, I have to admit that the solitude, despite all thats going on, is one huge breath of release, and the first thing I wanted to do was write a bit.
I can't accurately fill in the last few days, because we are so perilously close to the end and I am so utterly altered from my usual self and routines, that it's all a blur and that, I assure you, is neither cop-out nor exaggeration. Jaye was here, a lot, Lila was up and down, Alex constantly back and forth, many calls, much panic, some sublime hours of sleep and rest and togetherness when for a little bit, all almost seemed like it was ok again.
This is my babygirl and best friend, and what's a bloody week compared to what she is and what she's given me? Why, really, should I expedite this process to suit what others want from me or think would be best?
I sit here at times and I wonder why our entire society is in such a massive denial of death.
Then, I have to face yet another one and i think, ok - so THAT'S why; it's just too damn painful to deal with.
Whoever said denial was a bad thing was some sort of psychiatric sadist. Sure does me a world of good, in moderate doses.
So ok, enough abstraction. What's going on? Well ... in between the rounds of care-helpers who have been here since Sunday, and the talking, the afternoon naps, nightly vigils, the research, the support-seeking ( call me weak, I don't know what to do anymore) and the worry about Daniel, I have the following to report:
1) Lil is still here. She is neither suffering greatly (give me some credit!) nor is she entirely comfortable. Given the situation she is in a pretty-good zone, but it is very tenuous, and I am watching all the time. She eats, but little - goes out on her own, drinks a lot, sleeps well, has some difficulty breathing at times, and wants me close 24/7. Lights are on like she is 5 years old but her poor little body breaking down anyway... Sound familiar, anyone??
2) I have called Frances Dugan twice now saying - ok, you have to come NOW, only to change my mind, after Lila rallied. This is difficult, but we would prfer to do hospice rather than euthanasia if possible. She has bad stretches and good ones, and I'm basically montioring how long they are, so that when the bad ones overtake the good I can make the final decision.
3) Lila has peaceful nights, she is on a lot of Tramadol, and she sleeps well - has rough mornings, but still walks out to pee, still eats (mainly babyfood now) and is still clear as a bell in terms of consciousness. She still glares imperiously at dan when he gets in her face. She still zones out blissfully when I massage her. She is still here, but - very close, and I feel that more and more as time passes.
Today was a rough morning and I actually called the Crematorium to see what we would need to do next. I doubled Lila's tramadol and she does seem better, but it's raining here and she always has had bad days when it rains.
Time is this bizarre tunnel that you look through backwards, and 13 years is like a huge lifetime back, but still only a few minutes.
No matter how much this hurts, and it is GODDAMN TERRIBLE, sorry for my language! it's still sacred time - passing from this life to the next, changing form, finalizing, letting go/affirming love. I am thinking so much about the passages of life that we try to avoid in a society that has lost its sacred centres. We just brush over death and we vilify anyone who needs to spend some time with their losses, calling prolonged grief "wallowing" or even worse, "weakness". I just thikn thats so cruel! On my groups I've met so many other people who suffered like this over a dog, it's comforting to know I am not alone.
I won't hurry this, it is something precious and sacred despite its pain and difficulty. I wont let her suffer but neither will I expedite her passing and deny us one moment of togetherness.
But please - say a prayer for young Daniel - he is really wondeirng about it all, and why being cute, adorable and funny doesn't make Lila get up and play anymore.
It's raining and I've been up since five. Will try to sleep a bit and stay in touch.
Love is all that really counts, and dogs are so good at telling us this.
Thanks for reading my ramblings and not judging me - this is so brutally honest even I question my sanity sharing it - but, I trust this mutual experience, in my tribe. My fellow dog people all know this journey, so I wont feel overly judged.
In fact - I won't feel judged at all.
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