Later on... that very same day...

So you know, life just goes rolling along even when you're in despair. And the banality sometimes is rejuvenating. I shouldn't say "banal" - I mean, everyday, ordinary. The pitch I can get to with sadness is not something I want or need to hold longer than necessary. Later on, after writing all that earlier about healing - I just showered, tidied up, made a batch of dogfood, and took Dan for a walk. You know, like nothing out of the ordinary here is happening at all.

Lila had a rough morning - no food (but no vomiting) and very "down". She really doesn't seem good. I cooked a batch of beef cubes and mixed them (cut up small for her) with quinoa, and only added caclium, basica, L-arginine.
She just flat our refused. I tried a tofu weiner (she loves those things) milk (ditto) but no way jose. So I FINALLY cooked ground turkey with sweet potato and that did the trick. She managed about a half cup, and then she got a few beef cubes down (she really needs the iron) and then a toodle around the yard. It's so heartening when she seems normal like that. But only a few minutes tires her and then she goes back to the bed under my desk, which is own her preferred place, and there she stays. I can tell from her position she is not very comfortable.

So I got some salad down me and a big glass of, err, spirulina juice (I do believe in this stuff) and now I'm settling into the afternoon calm, a time when I would normally just be working and drinking coffee and hanging out in the backyard as much as I can before the black flies arrive. It's like any other day. That was something that really boggled my mind when John died, how life just seemed to go on around me. Then again, that was my very first tragedy, I was a tragedy-virgin and grief is by its very nature, narcissistic anyway. When Luke died I knew enough not to expect people to all stop going to work and just move in here and take care of me - now this time I feel...not only not expecting of the world's business to cease, but I really do cherish the normal routines and the ordinary, the things that ground and stabilize us in times of crisis. I am guessing this is one of the key differences between a loss you are allowed to prepare for and one that just takes you totally by surprise. In this case, I cherish as much ordinariness as I can get.

And it's important to remember that Dan is feeling unsettled and will be upset too when Lila goes. I'm trying to keep him very well exercised and as "normal" as possible in terms of routines. It will be a big empty house with just the two of us, and we have a long time ahead to be together. I need to focus as much as possible on Lila but be mindful of Dan. It's a lot to manage at times.



So today has not been encouraging. The goal of our therapy now is to reduce the lactic acid buildup in her blood, we are not attempting to do anything but buy more quality time. She can't go through surgery or radiation even if there was anyway at all I could finance it at this point. We're looking at alkalinizing the system (hard to do when all she will eat is meat) but this is very challenging with so much toxin from the tumours.

Two more injections 0f megaB vitamins and assorted homeopathics - and Tuesday we re-test her Darkfield to see if there is any improvement at all.

But I'm getting ahead here, I should lay this out a bit more sequentially, just too tired right now, and I don't mean to rush through. She is sleeping beside me and I should really do some work.