Saturday

This morning is not good. Once again I am trying not to overreact, but then I hear myself say that and it sounds so silly. Not overreact? Whether we have a good day or a bad day or three more or five, it will still amount to the same thing. Do I call B tomorrow? Do I make her get in the van and drive over an hour in for a needle I have little hope will do anything at this point? I know what B is trying to do and I understand the rationale. But despite my eternal optimism and stick-to-itiveness I feel this is it. Oh it's such a terrible and bizarre feeling...

But then there was last night, a young couple and their dog out walking in the field behind the house. An unusual event to be sure as we are in the middle of nowhere, basically. Danny went berserk, of course, and started to bark and run along the perimeter of the fence, in high excitation (it's very cute when he tries to be tough). And a minute later I hear a second bark - not as loud or deep but almost as insistent - Bo had made it off the couch and was there to check out this greatly interesting happening.

For several minutes afterwards she was quite animated and pleased with herself, also appeared to be looking around for food, but refused everything I offered.

She got back on her green sofa and setttled in - I managed to give her a little massage, but then she was so out of it I couldn't bring myself to make her walk the flight of stairs to bed. It was so difficult but eventually I went up myself and slept. I just will not settle on one of the sofas and I need to sleep too....Came down at 2 and she seemed almost alert but declined to go outside with Dan. Now at 6 am she is barely raising her head.

This has been the pattern the last week - really bad mornings, quiet afternoons then a bit of a rally at the end of the day. And here I am doing what I've counseled so many not to do - hanging on, checking her constantly, praying, refusing to let go. B assures me she is not in pain, but she sure as hell isn't feeling good, either.

Damn this evil disease!!This is three cancers in 2 years now, and me using natural diet, no chemicals, minimal vaccinations. Why are people so resistant to the fact that environmental toxins are causing so much of this?

Why do I always have to know why?

Well, I always was a science geek, although later on my quest to know "why" led me to study religion - two sides of the same coin, really. But I can't stand not knowing why this has happened. Maybe thinking about it academically lends me some badly needed emotional distance. I know that researching hemangiosarcoma after Luke died was one of the things that helped me survive.

You know I still have that last message from Dr. Modiano on my answering machine - I've taken down the black scarves from the front of the house and moved his little "shrine" into my bedroom and put away his coats and so on - but I just can't erase that message, it feels like it's the last living thing of him I possess. Funny, these little things that become so meaningful, that we humans hang on to for dear life. Dr. Modiano gave me so much of his time and so much understanding, especially when I had myself convinced I had done something wrong or might have saved Luke if I'd been ten minutes quicker. Modiano told me that if the veterinary clinic was next door, when Luke collapsed that night "we were in major trouble". He also said with HSA if I'd managed to keep him alive that night, it was "only to be able to say goodbye" since this is a cancer that is always, or 98% of the time, fatal. He was one of the human sources that kept me going that first few weeks - Danny, of course, was what really pulled me through.

Well, she just had her vetmedin and furosemide and went out to pee and straight back to the couch. I'll start getting an array of breakfast offerings ready (the cats are loving the fact they get all the stuff lila refuses, lol). I'm not sure I can put her through the trip in to Ottawa today, I will need to speak with Sister Donna first. Donna and Wayne will know what to do, fellow DogTribe Elders that they are. We shall see.

I'm going to make another pot of coffee and sit in the yard a few minutes, soak up the green.

Note to self: don't forget to breathe.