Thursday

As of this morning I am formally initiated into the "good day, bad day" phenomenon. I mean, until you live with it a while it's sort of surreal. Come to think of it, living with it is surreal enough. As of last night I was about 90% sure we were going to have to call Frances. But then Alex arrived, Lila rallied, had a good night, and this morning was more animated than I've seen her since Wayne and Donna were here (they're coming again tomorrow). So another reprieve. I thought my heart would burst last night, but today I feel at peace again.

Today so far: she ate a little breakfast, was interested in the proceedings of the day (the rescued blue jay, plus Frances came to get two of my cats - we are slowly and which much support from friends and well wishers, getting them all spayed/neutered so at least they won't be reproducing - Frances is like a gift from the gods, but that's another story altogether)...I was very pleased with Lila's demeanour and attitude this morning, but I was careful not to let her eat too much. It's easy to get overenthused because your sick dog is finally eating - but I've noticed that she seems to have difficulty digesting a full meal, so we do smaller ones with as much variety as I can get into her. She took one of the salmon cookies and trotted off with it,well- pleased with herself - but then seemed unable to chew it. I broke it into pieces and she sort of collected them all like a little treasure, and lay on her bed glaring menacingly at Daniel, as if to say "Make my day"...he is exuberantly loving toward her and she just cannot abide any of it. That can be a hard thing to co-ordinate.
Oh God - all of it's hard right now, really.

But today has been gracious to us. Frances took Leopold and Evita off (Tuck was to go too, but escaped, and here's me thinking it's Leo that's possessed. Tucker actually broke through the door on the cat carrier.); I saved the jay; Lila is in "old dog" mode as opposed to sick dog mode - and Dan and I had a magnificent walk. The weather is extraordinarily autumnal here - some peculiarities of light, sky and the cool cool air - gorgeous. He ran a good 45 minutes - eyes crossed, tongue lolling out, zigzagging past me like he doesn't know who I am, just full throttle hound - and is actually, dare I say it, tired now. It's especially important for him right now to run off the stress. Dan is amazingly clever and tuned in, but a young soul all the same (which might be the Universe's way of helping me recover from my last Ridgeback being Confucius in dog form..or maybe WC Fields.. ) Watching him run, looking at the fantastic shape he's in (yes, that's a brag!) does my heart good as well.

I'm working on a batch of chickweed, burdock, calendula and marshmallow ointment for a friend with eczema. Making stuff always grounds me.


It's painful to admit that the palliative takes such a toll, but it does. I really need a few hours off all of it. Wouldn't a trip to the village, a litttle shopping, a few glasses of wine on the patio by the river be just wonderful about now. I can hardly remember what that's like anymore. This summer I have to start taking a bit more care of me, as they say - you know, on Orpah,lol. If I ever start sounding like Dr. Phil, just shoot me, please. But that's the jist - I am not at caregiver burnout yet, but I may well be and I will need some retail therapy, not to mention chilled Riesling on various patios. There is more to life than dogfood - I'm sure of it...riiight??

Well enough about me. I'm not the one who's leaving, not the one who's ill. Dan and I have plans - big plans, we're headed to a great adventure together in a new phase, and I've made him some pretty big promises. I will have to keep busy to keep the tears to a minimum, for his sake. I'm concerned how losing Bo will affect him too of course. But there is all this time ahead for us when this phase is over. What has to be remembered is this is my very best friend in the world - one who has never let me down... who has walked by my side for 13 years through thick and thin - one whose darling little face and sweet ways can never be replaced and will stay with me always.

Tomorrow I hope will be celebratory. Wayne and Donna are coming and we're going to eat, drink, rant(I have Wayne hooked on Qabalah now, lol) and just enjoy the weather, the company, the abundance - and of course, the Bo.

Or as we say around here: Maximum Bo power. One more time.

Monday

Almost 8 oclock and there are still many things I feel I need to do before bed - but, instead, I am just going to take Lilababy out for a "granny toodle" around the yard, and then have a quick shower, make some herbal tea and curl up with her on the couch.

Today followed the typical pattern; she was down in the morning, perked a bit when I got ready to take Dan for his walk, ate only a little, then crashed all afternoon; about 5 pm she rallies and starts agitating for food but doesn't seem to want anything. I wonder if I should ask Eddie about something for possible nausea. She's just being weird; wants eggs one day and not the next; wants liver last night and lots of it - today, meh to liver.So I managed to get the perennial favourite MILK into her and then some chicken stock from the lovely, thyme scented bird Auntie Donna left (I made soup today) and THEN - aha, CATFOOD. She wolfed the canned catfood which is a bit horrifying to me but at the same time I was so relieved to see her eat like that. If it has to be catfood well hot damn thats what we'll have. I plan to get some other indulgences for her as soon as I can - rabbit being the top of the list.

I usually sit in the backyard and watch the foxes and the cats at twilight, and today I divided some peace lilies while she and Dan hung out a bit. But I have to remember she can only take a little wee bit of stuff at a time. So we'll have just a wee toodle now and then a massage and sleep. Alex will be here to spell me off a little bit so that's great too.

One more day, and sleep is a blessing.
Thanks to the Creator for this precious time. I will try to get back to work tomorrow, I've been far too distraught, but I need to function now the worst of the shock is over.
Mommy loves Lila - so much love Lila.

No Journey's End

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fv2kmFZTDeY

The road now leads onward
As far as can be
Winding lanes
And hedgerows in threes
By purple mountains
And round every bend
All roads lead to you
There is no journey's end.

Here is my heart and I give it to you
Take me with you across this land
These are my dreams, so simple and few
Dreams we hold in the palm of our hands

Deep in the winter
Amidst falling snow
High in the air
Where the bells they all toll

And now all around me
I feel you still here
Such is the journey
No mystery to fear.

Here is my heart and I give it to you
Take me with you across this land
These are my dreams, so simple and few
Dreams we hold in the palm of our hands

The road now leads onward
And I know not where
I feel in my heart
That you will be there

Whenever a storm comes
Whatever our fears
The journey goes on
As your love ever nears

Here is my heart and I give it to you
Take me with you across this land
These are my dreams, so simple and so few
Dreams we hold in the palm of our hands

Dance in Beauty

I invite you to enter for a moment
into Sacred Time and Space,
into a way of seeing that is broad and spacious.
See this Day, from the time you arose this morning
until you sleep this evening, as one Ceremony,
divided into small and familiar rituals,
your Heart as the Altar.
You, part of the Cycles of Light and Darkness.

Now begin to see your Life,
from the moment of your Conception
until the time of your Death
as one long, continuous Ceremony,
filled with many rituals,
some familiar, some unknown and challenging.
Your Home and all Your Relations, the Altar.
You, part of many Seasons and Cycles.

Now see this Ceremony of your Life
as part of a much larger Ceremony that extends
Seven Generations into the Past and Seven into the Future,
made up of many Births and Deaths.
This beautiful spinning Earth the Altar.
You, part of the great Ebb and Flow.

Now, if You will, imagine this larger Ceremony
to be but one part of a Ceremony so grand,
so magnificent as to be hardly comprehensible,
a great, vast Ceremonial Circle, rich and vibrant
with millions upon millions of swirling
Circles of Dancing Light,
and You, one of those Dancing Circles,
a Dancer on the Altar that is the Universe,
where Time is Eternal.

May You Dance In Beauty.

circle wisdom - sedonia cahill

Tears on my Heart

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k0mR8Jc8Orc

Deora ar mor chroi (Tears on my Heart)

How beautiful the day and night;

the earth is singing in the wind,

the voices rise and touch the sky

telling all the earth's believing,

and in the night sighs fall down,

and from the skies sighs fall down on me.

And when I move away from view

my voice is singing in the wind,

it rises up to touch the sky

telling all that I believe in,

and from the night earth shall sing,

and from the night earth shall sing,

and from the night earth shall sing again.

Sunday

Mother's Day. And I am so glad I didn't have to make the call today. In fact her improvement seems to be continuing. She went through the same pattern - not well in the morning, refusing food, seeming down, and then when my friends Wayne and Donna arrived she became quite animated, and we brought a bed out of the office so she could lie under the kitchen table and be near the action. She ate a very little then but much more later on - devoured some poached liver, plus the usual turkey and milk. Some bits of cheese.

Later on I took her for a short leash walk but she seemed tired. Overall a lot brighter. I am working hard not to convince myself we have remission. We have a bit of time, that's all (and that's so much.)

Dan was an absolute delight today. Oh how I adore the bones of him, he is such a sweet, happy, upbeat and loving little being. He loves Wayne and Donna and had a riot as usual even without Gracie (Wayne and Donna's lurcher, we decided it's too much of a strain to have a canine visitor right now). He's such a source of strength to me I can't describe what he means to me. I'm just humbled and awed by the gift he is in my life.

I got a Mother's day present of four solar lights for the back yard, and a flashing night collar for Danny which I had really been wanting. Donna brought chicken and buns and cheese and we just had an impromptu meal and some company. Good allround, I feel cheered and strengthened by the company. Wayne's coming back tomorrow to help me with some yard stuff and I can't express how much the help means at this stressful time.

Tuesday we go to the clinic again. I have discontinued the mega-B vits and the homeopathics. I didn't mean to sound so dire, when I wrote "they won't work anyway". I just need to follow my own heart now. That's partly what I meant by Lila healing me - helping me re-connect with those wellsprings of healing and intuition, things I have come perilously close to losing in the quest for more scientific knowledge. In my heart I see nutrition as part of a whole healing package and I have thought often lately that because I have a good deal of knowledge in nutrition I have lost touch with my intuitive, holistic side. Lila's illness has thrust me almost violently back into this role because I knew right from the beginning I would need to tune in deeply and listen now. Dr. B would never approve of this diet, for example, but he would also support my decision to just let her have what she wants.

And right now she wants me ot get off the pc and go take care of her. So that's where I'm headed and I hope I can get her up to bed so she can sleep beside the beings who love her so much, with all our hearts, it's important for her to be wrapped in the arms of all this love while she rests, and important to be close to me should anything go wrong in the night.

We'll see what tomorrow brings.

We're good...right now, we're good

Although earlier today I was truly "ready" to make the call, lila rallied when Alex arrived - she adores Alex - and she ate quite a lot, came and hung out in the kitchen and seemed like a sick dog, a little down, but not ready to leave yet.

So one more day's reprieve.

Alex is having a nap and lila is sleeping beside him. Dan and I went out and sat in the backyard, secenting the air, listening to the birds.

One more night, may it be blessed and peaceful.