I think perhaps because my Dad died right after lila, my grief process was delayed and I stayed in this weird state of shock for some time.
The past few days I've been very sad and close to depression. I miss her so much. Thirteen years is a long time and we went through so much together. My life feels so strange without her...my heart just wrenches when I pcuture her little smile. She was the very essence of sweetness, cleverness, loveliness. I keep hearing about puppies but I'm so worried they'll be "cute, lovable, but not Bo". I think as long as I feel that way, it's too soon.
Dan is better, but down at times too.
Other life struggles just continue unabated. Had a great talk with a friend last night about why so much grief and suffering has been visited upon me this past few years; it's not the God she understands to have good people suffer so much. But for me, it's more about karma, so I try to shoulder it as best I can, and repair it. Whatever the karma came from - probably parents, or past life, because I think I'm a pretty good human in this go-round - I know it's my task to repair it. So I strive to be ever-better. At the end of this life all we have is our soul, and I hope mine will be intact.
And it's strange too, because while I've lost the things I worked SO DAMN HARD for, I mean they were just WHOOSH! gone, and not my own doing - I am also strangely at peace. I have learned to live so much more in the moment, to love with all my being, to cherish the sound of the wind and the sighs of the dawn. The material things can come back, the energy and hopefulness can return. But what I've gained, even through the "grace" of suffering, is immeasurable. So, while I can't say I exactly embrace the disasters that have befallen me, I cans till derive meaning and strength from them.
I love my work and my animals, and the forest, and my spiritual path, and I have not hate in my heart, though I see it all around me.
I just miss my sweetheart so much.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Friday, July 18, 2008
Carrying the Pain
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J1oiiE7CyZ0
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love/
and to be once again with you.
I miss you, Bo.
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love/
and to be once again with you.
I miss you, Bo.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Finally
So finally, last night, in the wee hours before dawn, you decided you were ready to come to me.
Tonight I cannot wait to sleep, in the desparate hope you will be here again.
It was only a moment, but there you were. I could feel your fur, the deep ruff around your neck, I was back with you, and it was as real as the day.
When I awoke, Danny was staring straight at me with that concerned little Ridgeback face, and I knew I'd been making sounds in my sleep.
I could barely drag myself awake, I was so far gone when we had met, out on the astral, and how comforting those fleeting moments were.
Sometimes, the pain unravels me.
Sometimes I am filled with peace and love that you were ever here.
Always, always, I miss you, and what I wouldn't give for one hour more.
Mommy loves Lila, so much love Lila.
Despite all that has happened in the past few weeks, I make space to mourn for your passing, and time to be with you still.
Tonight I cannot wait to sleep, in the desparate hope you will be here again.
It was only a moment, but there you were. I could feel your fur, the deep ruff around your neck, I was back with you, and it was as real as the day.
When I awoke, Danny was staring straight at me with that concerned little Ridgeback face, and I knew I'd been making sounds in my sleep.
I could barely drag myself awake, I was so far gone when we had met, out on the astral, and how comforting those fleeting moments were.
Sometimes, the pain unravels me.
Sometimes I am filled with peace and love that you were ever here.
Always, always, I miss you, and what I wouldn't give for one hour more.
Mommy loves Lila, so much love Lila.
Despite all that has happened in the past few weeks, I make space to mourn for your passing, and time to be with you still.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Determinata
Hello, Bunny.
Today I've been having trouble not crying. Well, it's ok. I wouldn't be normal if I wasn't crying a lot still. You've left this enormous space, but the truth is, you filled so much of what was empty in me and healed so much of what was broken, that you really are almost as much presence as absence. Or as John O puts it, the sore well of absence has become a tender presence. you are here as well as not here. I ache for you. I miss you. And so it will be.
I found a little booklet I had made waaay back, at The Swamp, with some funny phrases and pictures of you, little stories and so on. Oh, the passing of time. Where did those days go, Bo? I hadn't recalled the Yabba Dabba song for ages. It started me crying, but not with any regret, just that I miss you, and your funny little Boo Radley ways. (One day I will explain this idiotic nickname and how it came to be your most enduring. But not today).
A habit of mine was to nickname you all these silly things by just putting an "a" on the end of whatever quality I felt you were exhibiting; hence, "eleganza" and "delicata" and the ever popular "determinata". My, my, but you could be a determined little being. I loved that about you and how I relate: we both might appear to be a little wifty but the backbone is stainless steel. You could get away with so much by being so sweet (and that may have been true of me, once upon a time, thought these days I've abandoned the tactic).
The pics here illustrate you at your determined best; while Jasmine and Luke headed contentedly back to the hosue after a walk, you, madame, had to bolt off into the woods for one last frenzied check-in. Even in snow several times too high for you, you'd pin those ears flat to the head and off you'd go. I love this picture because it really shows a part of you I cherish: determinata. Were you sweet, kind, and funny? Yes of course. Were you pliable, co-operative, and gentle? Without a doubt. But there was a core of some strange ferocity in there I admired, related to, and loved. Dammit all, I NEED to go off the trail this one last time.
Off you go, you little minx. Don't be too long. I'll be waiting.
Today I've been having trouble not crying. Well, it's ok. I wouldn't be normal if I wasn't crying a lot still. You've left this enormous space, but the truth is, you filled so much of what was empty in me and healed so much of what was broken, that you really are almost as much presence as absence. Or as John O puts it, the sore well of absence has become a tender presence. you are here as well as not here. I ache for you. I miss you. And so it will be.
I found a little booklet I had made waaay back, at The Swamp, with some funny phrases and pictures of you, little stories and so on. Oh, the passing of time. Where did those days go, Bo? I hadn't recalled the Yabba Dabba song for ages. It started me crying, but not with any regret, just that I miss you, and your funny little Boo Radley ways. (One day I will explain this idiotic nickname and how it came to be your most enduring. But not today).
A habit of mine was to nickname you all these silly things by just putting an "a" on the end of whatever quality I felt you were exhibiting; hence, "eleganza" and "delicata" and the ever popular "determinata". My, my, but you could be a determined little being. I loved that about you and how I relate: we both might appear to be a little wifty but the backbone is stainless steel. You could get away with so much by being so sweet (and that may have been true of me, once upon a time, thought these days I've abandoned the tactic).
The pics here illustrate you at your determined best; while Jasmine and Luke headed contentedly back to the hosue after a walk, you, madame, had to bolt off into the woods for one last frenzied check-in. Even in snow several times too high for you, you'd pin those ears flat to the head and off you'd go. I love this picture because it really shows a part of you I cherish: determinata. Were you sweet, kind, and funny? Yes of course. Were you pliable, co-operative, and gentle? Without a doubt. But there was a core of some strange ferocity in there I admired, related to, and loved. Dammit all, I NEED to go off the trail this one last time.
Off you go, you little minx. Don't be too long. I'll be waiting.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Oneness
Forever Oneness,
who sings to us in silence,
who teaches us through each other.
Guide my steps with strength and wisdom.
May I see the lessons as I walk,
honor the Purpose of all things.
Help me touch with respect,
always speak from behind my eyes.
Let me observe, not judge.
May I cause no harm,
and leave music and beauty after my visit.
When I return to forever
May the circle be closed
and the spiral be broader.
-- Bee Lake
-- Bee Lake
Thursday, June 19, 2008
And one more
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3xZlhaLT7IY&feature=related
Hear my silent prayer
Heed my quiet call
When the dark and blue surround you
Step into my sigh
Look inside the lght
You will know that I have found you.
Hear my silent prayer
Heed my quiet call
When the dark and blue surround you
Step into my sigh
Look inside the lght
You will know that I have found you.
The Promise
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sqxbZq7d86Q&feature=related
Darling Lila, I promise
Nothing we did will be lost or forgotten
I will carry this pain proudly,and with strength
For it is the deal we make with God -
"the joy then, the pain now"
And in time
I will feel
the joy overcome the sore well of grief
that today, is my heart.
I will be well
I will remember
I will carry on
I will laugh and be silly
I will make huge piles of dog food
Sleep in the afternoon
Exercise twice a day
Cherish my pack
Keep your toys safe
Lie on the floor regularly
Howl at the Moon
and above all
I will find you.
I promise.
Darling Lila, I promise
Nothing we did will be lost or forgotten
I will carry this pain proudly,and with strength
For it is the deal we make with God -
"the joy then, the pain now"
And in time
I will feel
the joy overcome the sore well of grief
that today, is my heart.
I will be well
I will remember
I will carry on
I will laugh and be silly
I will make huge piles of dog food
Sleep in the afternoon
Exercise twice a day
Cherish my pack
Keep your toys safe
Lie on the floor regularly
Howl at the Moon
and above all
I will find you.
I promise.
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