Now the journey of this life has reached its end
And since I cannot go with you
As you leave this world we have shared
You must go forward now, for a time, alone.
I send this prayer to the Creator who brought you to me
To teach, strengthen, love and comfort my human soul
I ask that you be guided on your journey now
through what will lie ahead.
My there be no fear for you Angel Heart
May you feel my love with you always
May you feel my gratitude and love as a cloak around you to keep you warm,
As you live in the mansion of my heart forever
O Creator, O Giver of LIfe and Bringer-In of Death
Protect my darling as she sinks into the deep and primordial sleep
As she approaches the Diamond Light of Heaven
Be a refuge to my darling, my beloved.
Keep her safe from all fear.
Protect her, defend her
Seize her within the endless ocean of your compassion,
Let her rest there in perfection,
And if it is in the best interest of all
If I am worthy and the circumstances allow,
Let her come to me in this life again
That I may know her, love her, and walk a while in joy
once again.
With deepest love
Mom
Monday, May 26, 2008
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Small and Large, the things we notice
Last night; I drank a couple too many beers.Should't do that; the lines blur and I can't hold the anguish in anymore.
Yesterday: finally got all the hummingbird feeders up.
Mowed the lawn in my barefeet, tears streaming down my face. The cherry blossoms tore a hole in my arm, I welcomed the physical pain to carry me from this emotional hell.
Made dinner with Danny beside me, my fingers slipping bits of turkey and cheese into his soft mouth, my heart exploded all around us.
Feeding him I feel like the alchemical pelican tearing out her own flesh for her children.
For you, son - anything.
Danny keep me strong. No wait - I need to be strong for you.
Alex made a fondue at 10 pm and despite everything I know about my ability to eat "bad food" late at night,I ate some. My heart pounded for 3 hours.
Despite all that, Dan and I slept well, once we finally made it up to bed, curled up together like two peas in a pod.
God sent me this dog, I know He/She did. He's like no other dog...as was Luke,as is Lila.
It's a sweet, mild, gentle, sun filled day.
I am cooking like a fiend; beef/turkey/sardine and sweet potato dogfood; roast lamb with chardonnay, thyme and new potatoes for my guests, apple pan-cake (I love mixing homey traditional foods with chi chi nouvelle) portobello mushrooms in balsamic vinaigrette over mesclun...asparagus with pine nuts..keep me busy O Lord, lest I fall to pieces right here and now.
I cooked for 6 months straight after Albert was killed. I also lost a full semester at University. What did I know then about dealing with sorrow?
Earlier,I watched Cor St through eyes reddened and swollen...I hope he sound of the theme music comforted her as she has heard it all her life every Sunday, come what may.
Lila and Dan sleep as one beside meas I watch.
Last night I fell asleep beside her, and I had this amazing series of dreams - vignettes from the past...Lila and I making Qabalahs in the sand out of round stones, in the sandpit near our first home.Running in the sand near our house in NS...images over and over and always this sense that she misses Luke so much her heart cannot stand it.
When she was little - well, for her first three years - it was just she and me. I was lonely and angry and she was my solace and joy in this life. We wandered daily through the streams and forests of West Quebec - we watched the stars at night and looked at the moon, listened to the swamp sounds. We learned together and did TTouch and cooked wonderful meals for human and dog, slept by the fire in deep winter and laughed with the blue jays and flycatchers every spring.
Life was so so good ...not easy, but so good..
When Luke came she opened her noble heart so readily. Those were difficult, magical, life-loving days. She withstood this tyrannical, curmudgeonly, uterly adorable little beastie like he was a child of her own womb. In the years that followed they two were joined in a way I thik I may never see again, in human life or canine.
Now I see her where she is and say...I keep saying ..Bo...we can fix this...but I know we cannot.
I wake knowing it was not my dreams, but hers, I was remembering.
Through the depths of the pain I thank the Creator I can say goodbye so consciously and pray so deeply for her to return only to me or not at all.
What guarantees do we have? None at all, and thats why we lie to ourslves so deeply and with such confidence. All I can do is send forth love, carry it with you where you go, my little Bunny.
Mommy loves Lila - so much love Lila.
Yesterday: finally got all the hummingbird feeders up.
Mowed the lawn in my barefeet, tears streaming down my face. The cherry blossoms tore a hole in my arm, I welcomed the physical pain to carry me from this emotional hell.
Made dinner with Danny beside me, my fingers slipping bits of turkey and cheese into his soft mouth, my heart exploded all around us.
Feeding him I feel like the alchemical pelican tearing out her own flesh for her children.
For you, son - anything.
Danny keep me strong. No wait - I need to be strong for you.
Alex made a fondue at 10 pm and despite everything I know about my ability to eat "bad food" late at night,I ate some. My heart pounded for 3 hours.
Despite all that, Dan and I slept well, once we finally made it up to bed, curled up together like two peas in a pod.
God sent me this dog, I know He/She did. He's like no other dog...as was Luke,as is Lila.
It's a sweet, mild, gentle, sun filled day.
I am cooking like a fiend; beef/turkey/sardine and sweet potato dogfood; roast lamb with chardonnay, thyme and new potatoes for my guests, apple pan-cake (I love mixing homey traditional foods with chi chi nouvelle) portobello mushrooms in balsamic vinaigrette over mesclun...asparagus with pine nuts..keep me busy O Lord, lest I fall to pieces right here and now.
I cooked for 6 months straight after Albert was killed. I also lost a full semester at University. What did I know then about dealing with sorrow?
Earlier,I watched Cor St through eyes reddened and swollen...I hope he sound of the theme music comforted her as she has heard it all her life every Sunday, come what may.
Lila and Dan sleep as one beside meas I watch.
Last night I fell asleep beside her, and I had this amazing series of dreams - vignettes from the past...Lila and I making Qabalahs in the sand out of round stones, in the sandpit near our first home.Running in the sand near our house in NS...images over and over and always this sense that she misses Luke so much her heart cannot stand it.
When she was little - well, for her first three years - it was just she and me. I was lonely and angry and she was my solace and joy in this life. We wandered daily through the streams and forests of West Quebec - we watched the stars at night and looked at the moon, listened to the swamp sounds. We learned together and did TTouch and cooked wonderful meals for human and dog, slept by the fire in deep winter and laughed with the blue jays and flycatchers every spring.
Life was so so good ...not easy, but so good..
When Luke came she opened her noble heart so readily. Those were difficult, magical, life-loving days. She withstood this tyrannical, curmudgeonly, uterly adorable little beastie like he was a child of her own womb. In the years that followed they two were joined in a way I thik I may never see again, in human life or canine.
Now I see her where she is and say...I keep saying ..Bo...we can fix this...but I know we cannot.
I wake knowing it was not my dreams, but hers, I was remembering.
Through the depths of the pain I thank the Creator I can say goodbye so consciously and pray so deeply for her to return only to me or not at all.
What guarantees do we have? None at all, and thats why we lie to ourslves so deeply and with such confidence. All I can do is send forth love, carry it with you where you go, my little Bunny.
Mommy loves Lila - so much love Lila.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Send Out Love
And so, my darling Lila, we have reached the end, no matter how bravely and passionately we've struggled and fought. And so, as I told you this morning, I am so heart-bound to you, my soul and yours so intertwined, that I can barely rememebr the person I was for 37 years before we met. To even think that I lived all those years without you is so strange. It's so much like thinking that now, soon, tomorrow or Monday, I will never see you in this form again.
Will you remember how I always had to slide my hand beneath you while we slept, the weight of your body grounding and comforting me?
I will always remember that.
There are so many stories, but I will tell them later, when I have more time to spend with words.
Meditating on love a few days ago, I realized something. That what dogs really teach us is to step outside of the ego, and live as a river flows, the great unfolding, the here and now. And to accept all and let love flow. Working through Lila's dying, and the myriad feelings it all brings up in me, a strange sort of softness came through to me all at once, regarding people in my life who have harmed me - my father, friends I have needed so desparately who denied me help, anger at those who label my brother a "junkie", and so on. I just let go of all the anger and recrimination and I felt blessing flowing out from me so easily and naturally. And it was all so liberating. I sat in the woods with Daniel and acknowledged my pain, that Lila is dying. But then I acknowledged the massive gifts she has brought me and I felt such love. I released the anger I feel at others and I let forgiveness and love just flow. I hope my father survives his operation, I hope my friend who withdrew her help really finds the God she seems to seek, I hope my Mother...finds something akin to peace. At the end of the day, or a life, we are alone with how good and kind we have been able to be. I am not an unkind person, and possibly closer to good than to evil, but I have so far to go. Lila brought me a long way toward contact with my own divinity. She opened gates of love inside me and showed me not to be distrusting of myself, not brittle and hard edged, she showed me that pain is worth it if we've had all this joy. I need to let her go at the same time I let the anger and recrimination of those who have harmed me go too.
I have felt so much lighter, freer, and accepting since this epiphany it cannot be expressed.
Here are my thoughts about love - wherever you find it, in whatever way shapes your being, daily life, and mends your soul; allow it to be a beautiful thing. Never cheapen the love you have by trying to wield it as a weapon to hurt another being. Pray for those who are in pain. Pray the unhappy can be healed and the damaged can be loved into wellness, whether it be from a friend, a lover, a dog or cat, or God/dess. What you send out comes back, it always does. Take the love you have, that you feel, and share it. If you are blessed by love, ACT like a person blessed by love. BE KIND. BE GENEROUS.
Send it out. Send it out. Pay it forward.
"Send Out Love
Prayer is the act and presence of sending this light from the bountifulness of your love to other people to heal, free, and bless them. Where there is love in your life, you should share it spiritually with those who are pushed to the very edge of life. There is a very lovely idea in the Celtic tradition that if you send goodness out from yourself, it will come back to you multiplied ten thousand times. In the kingdom of love there is no competition; there is no possessiveness or control. The more love you give away, the more love you will have."
— Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom
John O'Donohue
Lila does not want to go.Yesterday I summoned all my strength and called Frances to come by at about 8 pm. Lila had been uncomfortable, not eating, and has developed a secondary sinus infection that means I need to swab her nostrils hourly and use ointment to help keep her breathing clear. She has weakened a fair bit and is sleeping most of the time. I have seen a marked decline in quality of life although her cognition is very sharp and her gaze as direct and alert as ever. I know she is not in great pain and I know she does not want to leave, but I ask myself, what am I waiting for? For the pain to get unmanageable? How sick does she have to be before I let her go?
So I cut fresh lilacs and cherry blossoms and filled the livingroom with them - placed cloth with lavender and neroli oil all around the room, lit white beeswax candles, washed all the bedding, put the most beautiful music I know of on the CD, - had a drink - and waited.
Had another drink, called Donna and sobbed like an insane person.
Waited some more.
Decided to give Lil three Tramadols - 60 mgs now - and hope she relaxed. She was becoming agitated no matter how hard I tried to seem ok.
Alex arrived, his face grey with sorrow. He sat on the mat with her stroking her funny little head and saying "What a sweet little soul you are...don't deserve this Bo...what a sweet little girl you are".
I fed Dan outside so Lila wouldnt have to watch him eating.
I sat on the kitchen floor with her and massaged her, using deeper techniques on the muscle, TTouch along the spine, breathing with her and relaxing..
Suddenly the Tramadol kicked in and her head was up, eyes bright, ears pricked - she wanted to go out. We coaxed her out - offered to carry her down the steps - but with that delicate yet determined way about her, she made it outside all on her own, had a pee, came in and had a big drink. Suddenly she had done this big, unmistakable, about- face. I said, just offer her some food and see. Alex made a "smorgasbord" of canned tripe, babyfood, EVO venison, catfood, grated cheese, turkey breast and beef heart.
Lila ate all the beef heart on the plate and asked for more.
She ate more. And more, Possible 2/3 of a cup in total.
And sat there smiling and looking better than she had in days.
When Frances arrived my first words were "I'm not actually trying to be the most difficult person on the planet here". But she totally got that Lila was not yet "there". She did a little examination, had a few words about meds, food, life qualuity - we had talked at length the last time she was here - and left smiling. Her last words were "I'm glad you have few more days with her".
Lila seemed happier last night than in some time - slept well. She has spent the morning moving from one spot to another - sometimes in the office here, other times getting some sun and classical music in the kitchen, on her bed under the table. I've been as normal today as can be expected. Alex drove to the Blair first thing, picked up her Tramadol, came back here with them.
This is my final gift of love, care, connection to my dearest girl,my sweetheart, my souldog. A few more days, and all our attention and love.It's a tribute to her spirit and, I think, how much she has loved her life, that she so badly wants to stay.
I can only send her off with the love she showed me how to feel, share, and believe in. Moment by moment, breath by breath.
Will update soon.
Will you remember how I always had to slide my hand beneath you while we slept, the weight of your body grounding and comforting me?
I will always remember that.
There are so many stories, but I will tell them later, when I have more time to spend with words.
Meditating on love a few days ago, I realized something. That what dogs really teach us is to step outside of the ego, and live as a river flows, the great unfolding, the here and now. And to accept all and let love flow. Working through Lila's dying, and the myriad feelings it all brings up in me, a strange sort of softness came through to me all at once, regarding people in my life who have harmed me - my father, friends I have needed so desparately who denied me help, anger at those who label my brother a "junkie", and so on. I just let go of all the anger and recrimination and I felt blessing flowing out from me so easily and naturally. And it was all so liberating. I sat in the woods with Daniel and acknowledged my pain, that Lila is dying. But then I acknowledged the massive gifts she has brought me and I felt such love. I released the anger I feel at others and I let forgiveness and love just flow. I hope my father survives his operation, I hope my friend who withdrew her help really finds the God she seems to seek, I hope my Mother...finds something akin to peace. At the end of the day, or a life, we are alone with how good and kind we have been able to be. I am not an unkind person, and possibly closer to good than to evil, but I have so far to go. Lila brought me a long way toward contact with my own divinity. She opened gates of love inside me and showed me not to be distrusting of myself, not brittle and hard edged, she showed me that pain is worth it if we've had all this joy. I need to let her go at the same time I let the anger and recrimination of those who have harmed me go too.
I have felt so much lighter, freer, and accepting since this epiphany it cannot be expressed.
Here are my thoughts about love - wherever you find it, in whatever way shapes your being, daily life, and mends your soul; allow it to be a beautiful thing. Never cheapen the love you have by trying to wield it as a weapon to hurt another being. Pray for those who are in pain. Pray the unhappy can be healed and the damaged can be loved into wellness, whether it be from a friend, a lover, a dog or cat, or God/dess. What you send out comes back, it always does. Take the love you have, that you feel, and share it. If you are blessed by love, ACT like a person blessed by love. BE KIND. BE GENEROUS.
Send it out. Send it out. Pay it forward.
"Send Out Love
Prayer is the act and presence of sending this light from the bountifulness of your love to other people to heal, free, and bless them. Where there is love in your life, you should share it spiritually with those who are pushed to the very edge of life. There is a very lovely idea in the Celtic tradition that if you send goodness out from yourself, it will come back to you multiplied ten thousand times. In the kingdom of love there is no competition; there is no possessiveness or control. The more love you give away, the more love you will have."
— Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom
John O'Donohue
Lila does not want to go.Yesterday I summoned all my strength and called Frances to come by at about 8 pm. Lila had been uncomfortable, not eating, and has developed a secondary sinus infection that means I need to swab her nostrils hourly and use ointment to help keep her breathing clear. She has weakened a fair bit and is sleeping most of the time. I have seen a marked decline in quality of life although her cognition is very sharp and her gaze as direct and alert as ever. I know she is not in great pain and I know she does not want to leave, but I ask myself, what am I waiting for? For the pain to get unmanageable? How sick does she have to be before I let her go?
So I cut fresh lilacs and cherry blossoms and filled the livingroom with them - placed cloth with lavender and neroli oil all around the room, lit white beeswax candles, washed all the bedding, put the most beautiful music I know of on the CD, - had a drink - and waited.
Had another drink, called Donna and sobbed like an insane person.
Waited some more.
Decided to give Lil three Tramadols - 60 mgs now - and hope she relaxed. She was becoming agitated no matter how hard I tried to seem ok.
Alex arrived, his face grey with sorrow. He sat on the mat with her stroking her funny little head and saying "What a sweet little soul you are...don't deserve this Bo...what a sweet little girl you are".
I fed Dan outside so Lila wouldnt have to watch him eating.
I sat on the kitchen floor with her and massaged her, using deeper techniques on the muscle, TTouch along the spine, breathing with her and relaxing..
Suddenly the Tramadol kicked in and her head was up, eyes bright, ears pricked - she wanted to go out. We coaxed her out - offered to carry her down the steps - but with that delicate yet determined way about her, she made it outside all on her own, had a pee, came in and had a big drink. Suddenly she had done this big, unmistakable, about- face. I said, just offer her some food and see. Alex made a "smorgasbord" of canned tripe, babyfood, EVO venison, catfood, grated cheese, turkey breast and beef heart.
Lila ate all the beef heart on the plate and asked for more.
She ate more. And more, Possible 2/3 of a cup in total.
And sat there smiling and looking better than she had in days.
When Frances arrived my first words were "I'm not actually trying to be the most difficult person on the planet here". But she totally got that Lila was not yet "there". She did a little examination, had a few words about meds, food, life qualuity - we had talked at length the last time she was here - and left smiling. Her last words were "I'm glad you have few more days with her".
Lila seemed happier last night than in some time - slept well. She has spent the morning moving from one spot to another - sometimes in the office here, other times getting some sun and classical music in the kitchen, on her bed under the table. I've been as normal today as can be expected. Alex drove to the Blair first thing, picked up her Tramadol, came back here with them.
This is my final gift of love, care, connection to my dearest girl,my sweetheart, my souldog. A few more days, and all our attention and love.It's a tribute to her spirit and, I think, how much she has loved her life, that she so badly wants to stay.
I can only send her off with the love she showed me how to feel, share, and believe in. Moment by moment, breath by breath.
Will update soon.
Friday, May 23, 2008
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Afer Ventus
Sea of clouds... Umbriel.
Sea of showers.... Ariel.
And we go to the stars.
And we go to the stars.
Sea of waves... Io... Vela.
And we go to the stars.
And we go to the stars.
Remember, life is earth-born. Remember, it is brief.
Remember.
from Stephen Levine
"A woman we had worked with, her mother had been very ill. She'd never really gotten along with her mother. Her mother had been very judgmental, quite unkind, abusive. And her mother then became very ill, very ill, and she was the only one of the sisters who would even go and sit bedside. They all had such contention, felt so judged, they really put their mother out of their heart. She was a Zen student. She decided that her work on herself was to be there for her mom. She sat next to her mom, and her mom would go into a light sleep and come out, in and out, as people do when they're real ill. She would just sit next to her mother and wish her well -- not, "Why haven't you given me this? Why didn't you do that for me?" -- not trying to total the accounts, but trying to let her mother, as is, into her heart. That's the basis of relationship -- as is. Because if I want you to be the least different, then you become an object in my mind instead a subject of my heart. Where's the healing there? It's just separation. Her mother had been very nasty in her lifetime, and it wasn't ending just because she was dying. This woman, day after day, sending loving-kindness to her mother. On the day that her mother died, her mother looked up at her and said, "I hope you roast in hell. I hope that you have the worst possible life." Her mother died cursing her, and she died with her daughter sitting next to her, looking at her with soft eyes, and with an open heart saying, "Ma, I hope everything's OK for you." Now for her mom it was terrible, but for her it was wonderful. She had really finished her business. She was just with another human being who was having a hard time. I mean, that's really an extreme story, and hopefully we can all get some glimpse of what that one would be. But that's enormous healing. The woman who was dying died; the woman who was sitting next to her was healing.
MISHLOVE: Who was she healing?
LEVINE: Herself.
MISHLOVE: Herself, yes.
LEVINE: That's all we can heal. If we're not working on our own healing, we certainly can't be contributing to anyone else's healing.
MISHLOVE: Who was she healing?
LEVINE: Herself.
MISHLOVE: Herself, yes.
LEVINE: That's all we can heal. If we're not working on our own healing, we certainly can't be contributing to anyone else's healing.
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