Love can touch us one time, and last for a lifetime..is it corny? I think it's just true.
It's been a hard one this year Bo. but I'm hanging in. I'm so strong - you know that. I miss you, and I think a lot about our early days, the innocence, hope and happiness. I played a lot of your songs on the 26th, and I think deeply, all the time, as you know. It's ok, you had a great life I think, and you helped me so much. Now I have Dan the man and he's my heart and love, too. But, I miss you. It's as simple as that. You were like nothing else. My Bonobo.
My heart will go on, but it aches for you. Come back soon, Boo Radley. I can do better, and I did ok last time around.
Mommy loves Lila...so much love Lila
Monday, May 30, 2011
Monday, May 31, 2010
I have several lilacs here on my property, and they are among my favorite of flowers. I always associated the white lilac with Lila; when I have my land and can scatter the ashes of my loved ones I will scatter hers on a white lilac bush.
The day I took her dear, still little body in for cremation I picked a bunch of the flowers and brought them along.
Lila made her journey two years ago May 26. And this year, we have had the strangest of springs; everything got warm very early, and flowers sent up shoots far too soon - I had crocuses in full bloom early in April, when normally there is still a significant blanket of snow. but subsequent return to normal seasonal temperature killed off everything - we've had no lilacs, the forsythia opened and shut in two days, ditto the Kwanzan cherry tree, the chokecerry and the apple blossoms. Trumpet flowers and wigelia (sp?) hanging in..but alas, no lilacs, they started to bud and then died in the ridiculous snow we had suddenly a few weeks back.
Except for May 26.
As I spend a fair part of every death anniversary in communion and remembrance, I spent time with Lila that day, this little dog who had changed my life so deeply and taught me more about spirit than any book I've ever read...lit a candle on the shrine where I keep ehr ashes, played memorial music. It was late in the day and I was sitting out back when a strange bird cry caused me to turn my head quickly and strain to look in a westerly direction. And then i saw them; the one lilac bush, the white one, struggling under the branches of my magnificent white pine, had burst into full blossom. just that day, and just the white one.
the next morning I cut them all down and put them in a vase in my room, beside her ashes.Their powerful, gentle fragrance filled the upstairs, and for me it is a scent filled with love, optimism, sweetness in life and love that is stronger than physical death.
One thing I know, in a world that offers us so little certainty about anything; love never dies. It is never lost or forgotten. Lila was celebrating her bond with me on the other side, as I spent my day thinking of her.
And the flowers sang to us both.
The day I took her dear, still little body in for cremation I picked a bunch of the flowers and brought them along.
Lila made her journey two years ago May 26. And this year, we have had the strangest of springs; everything got warm very early, and flowers sent up shoots far too soon - I had crocuses in full bloom early in April, when normally there is still a significant blanket of snow. but subsequent return to normal seasonal temperature killed off everything - we've had no lilacs, the forsythia opened and shut in two days, ditto the Kwanzan cherry tree, the chokecerry and the apple blossoms. Trumpet flowers and wigelia (sp?) hanging in..but alas, no lilacs, they started to bud and then died in the ridiculous snow we had suddenly a few weeks back.
Except for May 26.
As I spend a fair part of every death anniversary in communion and remembrance, I spent time with Lila that day, this little dog who had changed my life so deeply and taught me more about spirit than any book I've ever read...lit a candle on the shrine where I keep ehr ashes, played memorial music. It was late in the day and I was sitting out back when a strange bird cry caused me to turn my head quickly and strain to look in a westerly direction. And then i saw them; the one lilac bush, the white one, struggling under the branches of my magnificent white pine, had burst into full blossom. just that day, and just the white one.
the next morning I cut them all down and put them in a vase in my room, beside her ashes.Their powerful, gentle fragrance filled the upstairs, and for me it is a scent filled with love, optimism, sweetness in life and love that is stronger than physical death.
One thing I know, in a world that offers us so little certainty about anything; love never dies. It is never lost or forgotten. Lila was celebrating her bond with me on the other side, as I spent my day thinking of her.
And the flowers sang to us both.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
I love you, I miss you, I give thanks for you daily
For Light
Light cannot see inside things.
That is what the dark is for:
Minding the interior,
Nurturing the draw of growth
Through places where death
In its own way turns into life.
In the glare of neon times,
Let our eyes not be worn
By surfaces that shine
With hunger made attractive.
That our thoughts may be true light,
Finding their way into words
Which have the weight of shadow
To hold the layers of truth.
That we never place our trust
In minds claimed by empty light,
Where one-sided certainties
Are driven by false desire.
When we look into the heart,
May our eyes have the kindness
And reverence of candlelight.
That the searching of our minds
Be equal to the oblique
Crevices and corners where
The mystery continues to dwell,
Glimmering in fugitive light.
When we are confined inside
The dark house of suffering
That moonlight might find a window.
When we become false and lost
That the severe noon-light
Would cast our shadow clear.
When we love, that dawn-light
Would lighten our feet
Upon the waters.
As we grow old, that twilight
Would illuminate treasure
In the fields of memory.
And when we come to search for God,
Let us first be robed in night,
Put on the mind of morning
To feel the rush of light
Spread slowly inside
The color and stillness
Of a found word.
~ John O’Donohue ~
(To Bless the Space Between Us)
Light cannot see inside things.
That is what the dark is for:
Minding the interior,
Nurturing the draw of growth
Through places where death
In its own way turns into life.
In the glare of neon times,
Let our eyes not be worn
By surfaces that shine
With hunger made attractive.
That our thoughts may be true light,
Finding their way into words
Which have the weight of shadow
To hold the layers of truth.
That we never place our trust
In minds claimed by empty light,
Where one-sided certainties
Are driven by false desire.
When we look into the heart,
May our eyes have the kindness
And reverence of candlelight.
That the searching of our minds
Be equal to the oblique
Crevices and corners where
The mystery continues to dwell,
Glimmering in fugitive light.
When we are confined inside
The dark house of suffering
That moonlight might find a window.
When we become false and lost
That the severe noon-light
Would cast our shadow clear.
When we love, that dawn-light
Would lighten our feet
Upon the waters.
As we grow old, that twilight
Would illuminate treasure
In the fields of memory.
And when we come to search for God,
Let us first be robed in night,
Put on the mind of morning
To feel the rush of light
Spread slowly inside
The color and stillness
Of a found word.
~ John O’Donohue ~
(To Bless the Space Between Us)
Monday, December 21, 2009
Here's What I Thought....
...back in the weeks I was writing this blog, I thought that you and I had fought the good fight, we were blessed to find each other, the pain of losing you was part of the deal we make with life when we commit to love, and that I would be ok as time passed, like I was with Luke, things would ease and I'd feel more at peace and less intense as weeks, months, years passed away.
Well, Bunny, as is often the case - I was wrong.
This Christmas is unusually and unexpectedly hard. I feel let down by human friends - to such a degree I can't express it - but with them, I can rationalize, understand - explain. With the loss of a dog like you - an Anam Cara, a friend throughout time - I am at a loss to express how difficult it is. You of course, never let me down, but I often felt I let YOU down - I was a pretty good Mom but if we really understand how short a time we have, I think many of us would be even better.
Still, you were cared for and respected and loved so much, I take comfort in that more than i dwell on the imperfections. You showed me many things I needed to work on, and I did work on those things - you made me a better person in so mnay ways. I often say wouldnt be doing the work I am right now if I had never had you and if YOU hadn't had so many problems at such an early age. we did pretty well, for a pair of New Age flakes, as your Dad often put it.
I miss you, Bo. I miss you more as time passes. I wish I could have one more day, even. Please come back, I know we said (half jokingly) Scottish Deerhound - but right now, I think I'll know you when I see you. And you undoubtedly will be an elegant, graceful, subtle breed. Or mix. Just as long as it's you, it doesn't matter at all.
I put your stocking up yesterday alongside Dan and Tina's and the cat's. Jasmine will be here for Christmas, she's an old lady now and we've made our peace. She misses you. Danny misses you.
I miss you more than anything.
Mommy loves Lila, so much love Lila.
Well, Bunny, as is often the case - I was wrong.
This Christmas is unusually and unexpectedly hard. I feel let down by human friends - to such a degree I can't express it - but with them, I can rationalize, understand - explain. With the loss of a dog like you - an Anam Cara, a friend throughout time - I am at a loss to express how difficult it is. You of course, never let me down, but I often felt I let YOU down - I was a pretty good Mom but if we really understand how short a time we have, I think many of us would be even better.
Still, you were cared for and respected and loved so much, I take comfort in that more than i dwell on the imperfections. You showed me many things I needed to work on, and I did work on those things - you made me a better person in so mnay ways. I often say wouldnt be doing the work I am right now if I had never had you and if YOU hadn't had so many problems at such an early age. we did pretty well, for a pair of New Age flakes, as your Dad often put it.
I miss you, Bo. I miss you more as time passes. I wish I could have one more day, even. Please come back, I know we said (half jokingly) Scottish Deerhound - but right now, I think I'll know you when I see you. And you undoubtedly will be an elegant, graceful, subtle breed. Or mix. Just as long as it's you, it doesn't matter at all.
I put your stocking up yesterday alongside Dan and Tina's and the cat's. Jasmine will be here for Christmas, she's an old lady now and we've made our peace. She misses you. Danny misses you.
I miss you more than anything.
Mommy loves Lila, so much love Lila.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
I missed the day
May 26th has come and gone and I have thought this whole past month about blogging, but events - mostly computer-related - stood between me and here.
It seems surreal that Bo has been gone a year - death eradicates so much and the heart needs to stay focused and work harder to retain the things it dearly does not want to lose.
I look back with regret, and that's something I need to work on, because regret should not be the thing I remember first. Right now it is, although it's a strange and bittersweet vareity; I regret that the last few weeks of Bo's life I was frantic with pain and I focused on holding it together for ME more than I should have. Too much blog, too much beer, too much frenzied activity..all in an effort not to feel, to anaesthetize myself at least a little. I wish I had had the serenity to face the things I could not change, anywhere near the courage I had to change the things I could. but thats my downfall, my personal weakness, I hate the idea of acceptance.
One thing I know for sure is that grief changes over time, and emotions that overwhelm us in the early stages soften and eventually - like it or not - some form of peace, or dare I say "acceptance" does come over us.
I'm not there yet. I miss you my angel. ANd I'm sorry things were not quite perfect. I expected you to understand me so much. I hope one day, I will be the person I know you thought I was.
Still a work in progress.
It seems surreal that Bo has been gone a year - death eradicates so much and the heart needs to stay focused and work harder to retain the things it dearly does not want to lose.
I look back with regret, and that's something I need to work on, because regret should not be the thing I remember first. Right now it is, although it's a strange and bittersweet vareity; I regret that the last few weeks of Bo's life I was frantic with pain and I focused on holding it together for ME more than I should have. Too much blog, too much beer, too much frenzied activity..all in an effort not to feel, to anaesthetize myself at least a little. I wish I had had the serenity to face the things I could not change, anywhere near the courage I had to change the things I could. but thats my downfall, my personal weakness, I hate the idea of acceptance.
One thing I know for sure is that grief changes over time, and emotions that overwhelm us in the early stages soften and eventually - like it or not - some form of peace, or dare I say "acceptance" does come over us.
I'm not there yet. I miss you my angel. ANd I'm sorry things were not quite perfect. I expected you to understand me so much. I hope one day, I will be the person I know you thought I was.
Still a work in progress.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Not Enough
Oh my darling, I miss you so.
How I loved you, you'll never know.
Though it's time for me to let you go.
Oh my darling, I'll miss you so.
Can't believe you're really gone for good.
I still hold on to places you once stood.
I should move on, but I never could,
Really believe you're gone for good.
Oh my friend, what could I do?
I just came home to bury you.
The road is long, the road is rough.
Your in my heart, that's not close enough.
All those years, disappear
All my tears, are not enough, not enough.
How can it be the ties that bind,
Cut down deep and are so unkind?
When we lose them we will never find,
Anything stronger than the ties that bind.
I still have your memory.
One or two pictures of you and me.
Life is long and life is tough,
But when you love someone,
Life is not long enough.
Emmylou Harris, written for her dog Bonaparte
Friday, January 9, 2009
Bo?
I just wanted to tell you how well I did this first Christmas.
I took in Tina, as you know - and I worked through a ton of stuff you always hoped I would - balancing celebration and sorrow, past and future - I missed you the whole way! And now we are sitting here moving into 09 with so much hope and optimism - you're here every step.
Oh if only other humans could find the happiness with one another I feel even in your memory.
What a lambie-dog you are...Mommy loves Lila. SO much love Lila.
See you soon Angel Heart. we missed you - and, I kept my promise...:) I am not just good, I am SOOO good.
love you, angel!
Hug the Beef for me....Mom
I took in Tina, as you know - and I worked through a ton of stuff you always hoped I would - balancing celebration and sorrow, past and future - I missed you the whole way! And now we are sitting here moving into 09 with so much hope and optimism - you're here every step.
Oh if only other humans could find the happiness with one another I feel even in your memory.
What a lambie-dog you are...Mommy loves Lila. SO much love Lila.
See you soon Angel Heart. we missed you - and, I kept my promise...:) I am not just good, I am SOOO good.
love you, angel!
Hug the Beef for me....Mom
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
When the wind takes you
You look at me with uncertainty,
You look at me with urgency.
You look at me with fear in your eyes
Like you're about to fall away.
But don't be afraid to change your colours now.
I've known you all Summer, and you rose above it all.
I see you hesitate to fall now,
But it's a pretty good view from down here, too.
And when the wind takes you, it takes me, too.
When you change colours, I change mine, too.
Try not to think, and I will try to.
When you let go, I will let go, too.
I knew you when you were green and strong.
You were like a feather on a wing, so long.
You know I will miss you when you are gone,
But don't be afraid if you just can't hang on.
'Cause when the wind takes you, it takes me, too.
When you change colours, I change mine, too.
Try not to think and I will try, too.
And when you let go, I will let go, too.
The cold air is pushing hard on you.
I know what you're saying; I can feel it, too.
You'll go through changes, and I'll go through them too.
Don't be afraid now, don't be afraid.
'Cause when the wind takes you, it takes me, too.
When you change colours, I change mine, too.
Try not to think and I will try, too.
And when you let go, I will let go, too
You look at me with urgency.
You look at me with fear in your eyes
Like you're about to fall away.
But don't be afraid to change your colours now.
I've known you all Summer, and you rose above it all.
I see you hesitate to fall now,
But it's a pretty good view from down here, too.
And when the wind takes you, it takes me, too.
When you change colours, I change mine, too.
Try not to think, and I will try to.
When you let go, I will let go, too.
I knew you when you were green and strong.
You were like a feather on a wing, so long.
You know I will miss you when you are gone,
But don't be afraid if you just can't hang on.
'Cause when the wind takes you, it takes me, too.
When you change colours, I change mine, too.
Try not to think and I will try, too.
And when you let go, I will let go, too.
The cold air is pushing hard on you.
I know what you're saying; I can feel it, too.
You'll go through changes, and I'll go through them too.
Don't be afraid now, don't be afraid.
'Cause when the wind takes you, it takes me, too.
When you change colours, I change mine, too.
Try not to think and I will try, too.
And when you let go, I will let go, too
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Selah
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iSUA_E0Ce4A&feature=related
My first autumn without you, and this was so much our special time. Today was so beautiful, one of those heartwrenching Gatineau Hills fall days where the intensity of the light is almost unbearable.. the Merlin soared around us, various huge ravens that are always nearby...the air so cold and crisp and life feeling just..perfect, as it is. except for the missing shape, the one laways beside me as far back as I can recall..and the one most present now is yours.Dan, Tina and I walked through the back, she was wearing Luke's harness. I felt you all around and through me, everything you taught me, all the strengths you brought out in me, all the transformations my loving you so much entailed. And I looked at Tina rolling on her back in the grass, wagging her tail with bemused delight to be free and alive and in this holy place, and I know I am only able to do things like rescue now because YOU showed me how much love I really have inside. She would be dead without you, without the love you gave me that I now can pass on. She was never adored and cared for like you were, her bad condition shows that, and then to just leave her alone in that shelter...aren't you happy somwehere, smiling your dear little wise smile, knowing we did this, you and me, we took her home, we give her some of the joy we shared when you were here.
Oh, but I miss you, my litlest angel..and the fall is a terrible time to be engulfed in sadness. We do carry on endeavoring to be happy. Christmas is yet to be faced.
Mommy loves lila - always love Lila, so much love my Bo.
Just to let you know we are ok, we are strong,and we know you are here.
My first autumn without you, and this was so much our special time. Today was so beautiful, one of those heartwrenching Gatineau Hills fall days where the intensity of the light is almost unbearable.. the Merlin soared around us, various huge ravens that are always nearby...the air so cold and crisp and life feeling just..perfect, as it is. except for the missing shape, the one laways beside me as far back as I can recall..and the one most present now is yours.Dan, Tina and I walked through the back, she was wearing Luke's harness. I felt you all around and through me, everything you taught me, all the strengths you brought out in me, all the transformations my loving you so much entailed. And I looked at Tina rolling on her back in the grass, wagging her tail with bemused delight to be free and alive and in this holy place, and I know I am only able to do things like rescue now because YOU showed me how much love I really have inside. She would be dead without you, without the love you gave me that I now can pass on. She was never adored and cared for like you were, her bad condition shows that, and then to just leave her alone in that shelter...aren't you happy somwehere, smiling your dear little wise smile, knowing we did this, you and me, we took her home, we give her some of the joy we shared when you were here.
Oh, but I miss you, my litlest angel..and the fall is a terrible time to be engulfed in sadness. We do carry on endeavoring to be happy. Christmas is yet to be faced.
Mommy loves lila - always love Lila, so much love my Bo.
Just to let you know we are ok, we are strong,and we know you are here.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
If I Could Be Where You Are
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z4uI-jrIxog&feature=related
Where are you this moment?
Only in my dreams.
You're missing, but you're always
A heartbeat from me.
I'm lost now without you,
I don't know where you are.
I keep watching, I keep hoping,
But time keeps us apart
[chorus]
Is there a way I can find you,
Is there a sign I should know,
Is there a road I could follow,
To bring you back home?
Winter lies before me
Now you're so far away
In the darkness of my dreaming
The light of you will stay
If I could be close beside you
If I could be where you are
If I could reach out and touch you
And bring you back home
Is there a way I can find you,
Is there a sign I should know,
Is there a road I could follow,
To bring you back home to me
Where are you this moment?
Only in my dreams.
You're missing, but you're always
A heartbeat from me.
I'm lost now without you,
I don't know where you are.
I keep watching, I keep hoping,
But time keeps us apart
[chorus]
Is there a way I can find you,
Is there a sign I should know,
Is there a road I could follow,
To bring you back home?
Winter lies before me
Now you're so far away
In the darkness of my dreaming
The light of you will stay
If I could be close beside you
If I could be where you are
If I could reach out and touch you
And bring you back home
Is there a way I can find you,
Is there a sign I should know,
Is there a road I could follow,
To bring you back home to me
Monday, September 8, 2008
xoxo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z97_bH_dwc4
How I needed you
How I grieve now you're gone
In my dreams I see you
I awake so alone
I know you didn't want to leave
Your heart yearned to stay
But the strength I always loved in you
Finally gave way
Somehow I knew you would leave me this way
Somehow I knew you could never, never stay
And in the early morning light
After a silent peaceful night
You took my heart away
And my being
In my dreams I can see you
I can tell you how I feel
In my dreams I can hold you
And it feels so real
I still feel the pain
I still feel your love
I still feel the pain
I still feel your love
And somehow I knew you could never, never stay
And somehow I knew you would leave me
And in the early morning light
After a silent peaceful night
You took my heart away
Oh I wish, I wish you could have stayed
How I needed you
How I grieve now you're gone
In my dreams I see you
I awake so alone
I know you didn't want to leave
Your heart yearned to stay
But the strength I always loved in you
Finally gave way
Somehow I knew you would leave me this way
Somehow I knew you could never, never stay
And in the early morning light
After a silent peaceful night
You took my heart away
And my being
In my dreams I can see you
I can tell you how I feel
In my dreams I can hold you
And it feels so real
I still feel the pain
I still feel your love
I still feel the pain
I still feel your love
And somehow I knew you could never, never stay
And somehow I knew you would leave me
And in the early morning light
After a silent peaceful night
You took my heart away
Oh I wish, I wish you could have stayed
Thursday, September 4, 2008
The concept of Lila signifies Freedom
Lila (Sanskrit: लीला), or Leela is a concept within Hinduism literally meaning "pastime", "sport" or "play". It is common to both monistic and dualistic philosophical schools, but has a markedly different significance in each. Within monism, Lila is a way of describing all reality, including the cosmos, as the outcome of creative play by the divine absolute (Brahman). In the dualistic schools of Vaishnavism, Lila more simply refers to the activities of God and his devotees, as distinct from the common activities of karma.
It was a long time ago the name came to me, and I always pronounced it L- EYE-la. In Sanskrit it is Leela. but you always meant sacred play, to me, you little minx. Even when I found that L-EYE-la meant "dark as night" in Hebrew, and that you were too.
Your role in my life was definitely the "activities of God" however one understands that concept.
You loved me in all my aspects; me the religionist, the academic, as well as the Irishwoman, overemotional, a little crazy, and you loved the silly me, the serious me, the girly me - any me that smelled like me, and you never let me down. Worth 2000 of most humans I know who drop others like a hot potato once it becomes inconvenient! You understood respect as well as love, humour as well as sensitivity, and you never questioned me directly, although a few choice looks would tell me you were not fully appreciating whatever I was doing at the moment.
I miss you so much, Bo. I know you are getting back here as quickly as you can. I heard you last night...what a lambie dog you are.
I have saved all your lambs so you can play with hem again, when you get here. Dan almost got your goat the other day, but it was like he knew he shouldnt destroy it, so he just carried it around a while.
SO much love Lila!!
Ram Shanker Misra in "The Integral Advaitism of Sri Aurobindo" -
"Brahman is full of all perfections. And to say that Brahman has some purpose in creating the world will mean that it wants to attain through the process of creation something which it has not. And that is impossible. Hence, there can be no purpose of Brahman in creating the world. The world is a mere spontaneous creation of Brahman. It is a Lila, or sport, of Brahman. It is created out of Bliss, by Bliss and for Bliss. Lila indicates a spontaneous sportive activity of Brahman as distinguished from a self-conscious volitional effort. The concept of Lila signifies freedom as distinguished from necessity."
I miss school. I miss the Religion department. I miss feeling centered. But more than anything I can think of, I miss you.
What a lambie-dog you are.
Th concept of Lila signifies freedom.
Find me soon, please. Dan and I are like two old chickens here. We need the rainbow! We need the balance.
We need the freedom.
Mom
Friday, August 22, 2008
Just thinking how sweet you were
Hi Bo....
I was just talking to Luke, and taking a little break here (still crunching numbers all day) and I looked at a few of my favourite pics. You were so sweet! Did I not tell you a 1000 times a day? And were you not tolerant, wise, funny and GOOD? You were indeed, my eleganza. So before I head back to work,more coffee and a quick roll- around in the yard with that little demon...I just wanted to share a few more Bo-treasures with the world.
Danny is well; we lost Ogden, and my heart aches, but it cannot break, because it's been so thoroughly shattered it grew back made of rubber, and it will only ache now; the first cuts are indeed the deepest, or as Dylan Thomas said "after the first death, there is no other".
I miss you, Bonobo. You, Dad, Luke and John - I am so glad to have the demon or what would I do?
Take heart knowing for all he annoyed you, he's helping me be ok.
Look at you!
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Worse as time goes by
It does seem that the longer I have to be in this world without Bo, the harder it gets.
Things come to mind all the time, things that just filter through the brainwaves then settle and drift away.
Imagine if I'd never found her, and how easily I could have just capitulated that May even to going home, when I said to Alex, let's drive a bit more. He never wants to do one minute of a thing more than he absolutely has to; he wanted to call it a night. Yet I insisted - that can be the prerogative of the sick (and I was very, VERY sick). So we drove on, and by the grace of the gods, there she was. Whatever would my life have been without that infusion of grace, that showed me how good a person I can be (and we all can be?)
On her shrine, I keep a stack of her pictures, from babyhood to her last few days, and every morning I switch over so there's always a new one there. Sometimes it's the innocent face of my baby Bo - back when her main nickname was Chickpea - and sometimes, it's the white faced old love I had to say goodbye to so recently. Always it's the depth, humour, wisdom, sweetness. I know she is not the only dog in the world with these characteristics, but she was the only one in my world, who loved ME and lived with and depended upon me. I miss her more as time goes by.
But then - had her, didn't I. All that time. All those years. Only me. I can focus on her absence, large as the sky, or her presence here, and what she gave me. Would that all of us had such a gift.
Ah, but i miss you, sweetface, and it's not abated in any way as yet.
Things come to mind all the time, things that just filter through the brainwaves then settle and drift away.
Imagine if I'd never found her, and how easily I could have just capitulated that May even to going home, when I said to Alex, let's drive a bit more. He never wants to do one minute of a thing more than he absolutely has to; he wanted to call it a night. Yet I insisted - that can be the prerogative of the sick (and I was very, VERY sick). So we drove on, and by the grace of the gods, there she was. Whatever would my life have been without that infusion of grace, that showed me how good a person I can be (and we all can be?)
On her shrine, I keep a stack of her pictures, from babyhood to her last few days, and every morning I switch over so there's always a new one there. Sometimes it's the innocent face of my baby Bo - back when her main nickname was Chickpea - and sometimes, it's the white faced old love I had to say goodbye to so recently. Always it's the depth, humour, wisdom, sweetness. I know she is not the only dog in the world with these characteristics, but she was the only one in my world, who loved ME and lived with and depended upon me. I miss her more as time goes by.
But then - had her, didn't I. All that time. All those years. Only me. I can focus on her absence, large as the sky, or her presence here, and what she gave me. Would that all of us had such a gift.
Ah, but i miss you, sweetface, and it's not abated in any way as yet.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Not getting better
I think perhaps because my Dad died right after lila, my grief process was delayed and I stayed in this weird state of shock for some time.
The past few days I've been very sad and close to depression. I miss her so much. Thirteen years is a long time and we went through so much together. My life feels so strange without her...my heart just wrenches when I pcuture her little smile. She was the very essence of sweetness, cleverness, loveliness. I keep hearing about puppies but I'm so worried they'll be "cute, lovable, but not Bo". I think as long as I feel that way, it's too soon.
Dan is better, but down at times too.
Other life struggles just continue unabated. Had a great talk with a friend last night about why so much grief and suffering has been visited upon me this past few years; it's not the God she understands to have good people suffer so much. But for me, it's more about karma, so I try to shoulder it as best I can, and repair it. Whatever the karma came from - probably parents, or past life, because I think I'm a pretty good human in this go-round - I know it's my task to repair it. So I strive to be ever-better. At the end of this life all we have is our soul, and I hope mine will be intact.
And it's strange too, because while I've lost the things I worked SO DAMN HARD for, I mean they were just WHOOSH! gone, and not my own doing - I am also strangely at peace. I have learned to live so much more in the moment, to love with all my being, to cherish the sound of the wind and the sighs of the dawn. The material things can come back, the energy and hopefulness can return. But what I've gained, even through the "grace" of suffering, is immeasurable. So, while I can't say I exactly embrace the disasters that have befallen me, I cans till derive meaning and strength from them.
I love my work and my animals, and the forest, and my spiritual path, and I have not hate in my heart, though I see it all around me.
I just miss my sweetheart so much.
The past few days I've been very sad and close to depression. I miss her so much. Thirteen years is a long time and we went through so much together. My life feels so strange without her...my heart just wrenches when I pcuture her little smile. She was the very essence of sweetness, cleverness, loveliness. I keep hearing about puppies but I'm so worried they'll be "cute, lovable, but not Bo". I think as long as I feel that way, it's too soon.
Dan is better, but down at times too.
Other life struggles just continue unabated. Had a great talk with a friend last night about why so much grief and suffering has been visited upon me this past few years; it's not the God she understands to have good people suffer so much. But for me, it's more about karma, so I try to shoulder it as best I can, and repair it. Whatever the karma came from - probably parents, or past life, because I think I'm a pretty good human in this go-round - I know it's my task to repair it. So I strive to be ever-better. At the end of this life all we have is our soul, and I hope mine will be intact.
And it's strange too, because while I've lost the things I worked SO DAMN HARD for, I mean they were just WHOOSH! gone, and not my own doing - I am also strangely at peace. I have learned to live so much more in the moment, to love with all my being, to cherish the sound of the wind and the sighs of the dawn. The material things can come back, the energy and hopefulness can return. But what I've gained, even through the "grace" of suffering, is immeasurable. So, while I can't say I exactly embrace the disasters that have befallen me, I cans till derive meaning and strength from them.
I love my work and my animals, and the forest, and my spiritual path, and I have not hate in my heart, though I see it all around me.
I just miss my sweetheart so much.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Carrying the Pain
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J1oiiE7CyZ0
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love/
and to be once again with you.
I miss you, Bo.
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love/
and to be once again with you.
I miss you, Bo.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Finally
So finally, last night, in the wee hours before dawn, you decided you were ready to come to me.
Tonight I cannot wait to sleep, in the desparate hope you will be here again.
It was only a moment, but there you were. I could feel your fur, the deep ruff around your neck, I was back with you, and it was as real as the day.
When I awoke, Danny was staring straight at me with that concerned little Ridgeback face, and I knew I'd been making sounds in my sleep.
I could barely drag myself awake, I was so far gone when we had met, out on the astral, and how comforting those fleeting moments were.
Sometimes, the pain unravels me.
Sometimes I am filled with peace and love that you were ever here.
Always, always, I miss you, and what I wouldn't give for one hour more.
Mommy loves Lila, so much love Lila.
Despite all that has happened in the past few weeks, I make space to mourn for your passing, and time to be with you still.
Tonight I cannot wait to sleep, in the desparate hope you will be here again.
It was only a moment, but there you were. I could feel your fur, the deep ruff around your neck, I was back with you, and it was as real as the day.
When I awoke, Danny was staring straight at me with that concerned little Ridgeback face, and I knew I'd been making sounds in my sleep.
I could barely drag myself awake, I was so far gone when we had met, out on the astral, and how comforting those fleeting moments were.
Sometimes, the pain unravels me.
Sometimes I am filled with peace and love that you were ever here.
Always, always, I miss you, and what I wouldn't give for one hour more.
Mommy loves Lila, so much love Lila.
Despite all that has happened in the past few weeks, I make space to mourn for your passing, and time to be with you still.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
