Love can touch us one time, and last for a lifetime..is it corny? I think it's just true.
It's been a hard one this year Bo. but I'm hanging in. I'm so strong - you know that. I miss you, and I think a lot about our early days, the innocence, hope and happiness. I played a lot of your songs on the 26th, and I think deeply, all the time, as you know. It's ok, you had a great life I think, and you helped me so much. Now I have Dan the man and he's my heart and love, too. But, I miss you. It's as simple as that. You were like nothing else. My Bonobo.
My heart will go on, but it aches for you. Come back soon, Boo Radley. I can do better, and I did ok last time around.
Mommy loves Lila...so much love Lila
Monday, May 30, 2011
Monday, May 31, 2010
I have several lilacs here on my property, and they are among my favorite of flowers. I always associated the white lilac with Lila; when I have my land and can scatter the ashes of my loved ones I will scatter hers on a white lilac bush.
The day I took her dear, still little body in for cremation I picked a bunch of the flowers and brought them along.
Lila made her journey two years ago May 26. And this year, we have had the strangest of springs; everything got warm very early, and flowers sent up shoots far too soon - I had crocuses in full bloom early in April, when normally there is still a significant blanket of snow. but subsequent return to normal seasonal temperature killed off everything - we've had no lilacs, the forsythia opened and shut in two days, ditto the Kwanzan cherry tree, the chokecerry and the apple blossoms. Trumpet flowers and wigelia (sp?) hanging in..but alas, no lilacs, they started to bud and then died in the ridiculous snow we had suddenly a few weeks back.
Except for May 26.
As I spend a fair part of every death anniversary in communion and remembrance, I spent time with Lila that day, this little dog who had changed my life so deeply and taught me more about spirit than any book I've ever read...lit a candle on the shrine where I keep ehr ashes, played memorial music. It was late in the day and I was sitting out back when a strange bird cry caused me to turn my head quickly and strain to look in a westerly direction. And then i saw them; the one lilac bush, the white one, struggling under the branches of my magnificent white pine, had burst into full blossom. just that day, and just the white one.
the next morning I cut them all down and put them in a vase in my room, beside her ashes.Their powerful, gentle fragrance filled the upstairs, and for me it is a scent filled with love, optimism, sweetness in life and love that is stronger than physical death.
One thing I know, in a world that offers us so little certainty about anything; love never dies. It is never lost or forgotten. Lila was celebrating her bond with me on the other side, as I spent my day thinking of her.
And the flowers sang to us both.
The day I took her dear, still little body in for cremation I picked a bunch of the flowers and brought them along.
Lila made her journey two years ago May 26. And this year, we have had the strangest of springs; everything got warm very early, and flowers sent up shoots far too soon - I had crocuses in full bloom early in April, when normally there is still a significant blanket of snow. but subsequent return to normal seasonal temperature killed off everything - we've had no lilacs, the forsythia opened and shut in two days, ditto the Kwanzan cherry tree, the chokecerry and the apple blossoms. Trumpet flowers and wigelia (sp?) hanging in..but alas, no lilacs, they started to bud and then died in the ridiculous snow we had suddenly a few weeks back.
Except for May 26.
As I spend a fair part of every death anniversary in communion and remembrance, I spent time with Lila that day, this little dog who had changed my life so deeply and taught me more about spirit than any book I've ever read...lit a candle on the shrine where I keep ehr ashes, played memorial music. It was late in the day and I was sitting out back when a strange bird cry caused me to turn my head quickly and strain to look in a westerly direction. And then i saw them; the one lilac bush, the white one, struggling under the branches of my magnificent white pine, had burst into full blossom. just that day, and just the white one.
the next morning I cut them all down and put them in a vase in my room, beside her ashes.Their powerful, gentle fragrance filled the upstairs, and for me it is a scent filled with love, optimism, sweetness in life and love that is stronger than physical death.
One thing I know, in a world that offers us so little certainty about anything; love never dies. It is never lost or forgotten. Lila was celebrating her bond with me on the other side, as I spent my day thinking of her.
And the flowers sang to us both.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
I love you, I miss you, I give thanks for you daily
For Light
Light cannot see inside things.
That is what the dark is for:
Minding the interior,
Nurturing the draw of growth
Through places where death
In its own way turns into life.
In the glare of neon times,
Let our eyes not be worn
By surfaces that shine
With hunger made attractive.
That our thoughts may be true light,
Finding their way into words
Which have the weight of shadow
To hold the layers of truth.
That we never place our trust
In minds claimed by empty light,
Where one-sided certainties
Are driven by false desire.
When we look into the heart,
May our eyes have the kindness
And reverence of candlelight.
That the searching of our minds
Be equal to the oblique
Crevices and corners where
The mystery continues to dwell,
Glimmering in fugitive light.
When we are confined inside
The dark house of suffering
That moonlight might find a window.
When we become false and lost
That the severe noon-light
Would cast our shadow clear.
When we love, that dawn-light
Would lighten our feet
Upon the waters.
As we grow old, that twilight
Would illuminate treasure
In the fields of memory.
And when we come to search for God,
Let us first be robed in night,
Put on the mind of morning
To feel the rush of light
Spread slowly inside
The color and stillness
Of a found word.
~ John O’Donohue ~
(To Bless the Space Between Us)
Light cannot see inside things.
That is what the dark is for:
Minding the interior,
Nurturing the draw of growth
Through places where death
In its own way turns into life.
In the glare of neon times,
Let our eyes not be worn
By surfaces that shine
With hunger made attractive.
That our thoughts may be true light,
Finding their way into words
Which have the weight of shadow
To hold the layers of truth.
That we never place our trust
In minds claimed by empty light,
Where one-sided certainties
Are driven by false desire.
When we look into the heart,
May our eyes have the kindness
And reverence of candlelight.
That the searching of our minds
Be equal to the oblique
Crevices and corners where
The mystery continues to dwell,
Glimmering in fugitive light.
When we are confined inside
The dark house of suffering
That moonlight might find a window.
When we become false and lost
That the severe noon-light
Would cast our shadow clear.
When we love, that dawn-light
Would lighten our feet
Upon the waters.
As we grow old, that twilight
Would illuminate treasure
In the fields of memory.
And when we come to search for God,
Let us first be robed in night,
Put on the mind of morning
To feel the rush of light
Spread slowly inside
The color and stillness
Of a found word.
~ John O’Donohue ~
(To Bless the Space Between Us)
Monday, December 21, 2009
Here's What I Thought....
...back in the weeks I was writing this blog, I thought that you and I had fought the good fight, we were blessed to find each other, the pain of losing you was part of the deal we make with life when we commit to love, and that I would be ok as time passed, like I was with Luke, things would ease and I'd feel more at peace and less intense as weeks, months, years passed away.
Well, Bunny, as is often the case - I was wrong.
This Christmas is unusually and unexpectedly hard. I feel let down by human friends - to such a degree I can't express it - but with them, I can rationalize, understand - explain. With the loss of a dog like you - an Anam Cara, a friend throughout time - I am at a loss to express how difficult it is. You of course, never let me down, but I often felt I let YOU down - I was a pretty good Mom but if we really understand how short a time we have, I think many of us would be even better.
Still, you were cared for and respected and loved so much, I take comfort in that more than i dwell on the imperfections. You showed me many things I needed to work on, and I did work on those things - you made me a better person in so mnay ways. I often say wouldnt be doing the work I am right now if I had never had you and if YOU hadn't had so many problems at such an early age. we did pretty well, for a pair of New Age flakes, as your Dad often put it.
I miss you, Bo. I miss you more as time passes. I wish I could have one more day, even. Please come back, I know we said (half jokingly) Scottish Deerhound - but right now, I think I'll know you when I see you. And you undoubtedly will be an elegant, graceful, subtle breed. Or mix. Just as long as it's you, it doesn't matter at all.
I put your stocking up yesterday alongside Dan and Tina's and the cat's. Jasmine will be here for Christmas, she's an old lady now and we've made our peace. She misses you. Danny misses you.
I miss you more than anything.
Mommy loves Lila, so much love Lila.
Well, Bunny, as is often the case - I was wrong.
This Christmas is unusually and unexpectedly hard. I feel let down by human friends - to such a degree I can't express it - but with them, I can rationalize, understand - explain. With the loss of a dog like you - an Anam Cara, a friend throughout time - I am at a loss to express how difficult it is. You of course, never let me down, but I often felt I let YOU down - I was a pretty good Mom but if we really understand how short a time we have, I think many of us would be even better.
Still, you were cared for and respected and loved so much, I take comfort in that more than i dwell on the imperfections. You showed me many things I needed to work on, and I did work on those things - you made me a better person in so mnay ways. I often say wouldnt be doing the work I am right now if I had never had you and if YOU hadn't had so many problems at such an early age. we did pretty well, for a pair of New Age flakes, as your Dad often put it.
I miss you, Bo. I miss you more as time passes. I wish I could have one more day, even. Please come back, I know we said (half jokingly) Scottish Deerhound - but right now, I think I'll know you when I see you. And you undoubtedly will be an elegant, graceful, subtle breed. Or mix. Just as long as it's you, it doesn't matter at all.
I put your stocking up yesterday alongside Dan and Tina's and the cat's. Jasmine will be here for Christmas, she's an old lady now and we've made our peace. She misses you. Danny misses you.
I miss you more than anything.
Mommy loves Lila, so much love Lila.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
I missed the day
May 26th has come and gone and I have thought this whole past month about blogging, but events - mostly computer-related - stood between me and here.
It seems surreal that Bo has been gone a year - death eradicates so much and the heart needs to stay focused and work harder to retain the things it dearly does not want to lose.
I look back with regret, and that's something I need to work on, because regret should not be the thing I remember first. Right now it is, although it's a strange and bittersweet vareity; I regret that the last few weeks of Bo's life I was frantic with pain and I focused on holding it together for ME more than I should have. Too much blog, too much beer, too much frenzied activity..all in an effort not to feel, to anaesthetize myself at least a little. I wish I had had the serenity to face the things I could not change, anywhere near the courage I had to change the things I could. but thats my downfall, my personal weakness, I hate the idea of acceptance.
One thing I know for sure is that grief changes over time, and emotions that overwhelm us in the early stages soften and eventually - like it or not - some form of peace, or dare I say "acceptance" does come over us.
I'm not there yet. I miss you my angel. ANd I'm sorry things were not quite perfect. I expected you to understand me so much. I hope one day, I will be the person I know you thought I was.
Still a work in progress.
It seems surreal that Bo has been gone a year - death eradicates so much and the heart needs to stay focused and work harder to retain the things it dearly does not want to lose.
I look back with regret, and that's something I need to work on, because regret should not be the thing I remember first. Right now it is, although it's a strange and bittersweet vareity; I regret that the last few weeks of Bo's life I was frantic with pain and I focused on holding it together for ME more than I should have. Too much blog, too much beer, too much frenzied activity..all in an effort not to feel, to anaesthetize myself at least a little. I wish I had had the serenity to face the things I could not change, anywhere near the courage I had to change the things I could. but thats my downfall, my personal weakness, I hate the idea of acceptance.
One thing I know for sure is that grief changes over time, and emotions that overwhelm us in the early stages soften and eventually - like it or not - some form of peace, or dare I say "acceptance" does come over us.
I'm not there yet. I miss you my angel. ANd I'm sorry things were not quite perfect. I expected you to understand me so much. I hope one day, I will be the person I know you thought I was.
Still a work in progress.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Not Enough
Oh my darling, I miss you so.
How I loved you, you'll never know.
Though it's time for me to let you go.
Oh my darling, I'll miss you so.
Can't believe you're really gone for good.
I still hold on to places you once stood.
I should move on, but I never could,
Really believe you're gone for good.
Oh my friend, what could I do?
I just came home to bury you.
The road is long, the road is rough.
Your in my heart, that's not close enough.
All those years, disappear
All my tears, are not enough, not enough.
How can it be the ties that bind,
Cut down deep and are so unkind?
When we lose them we will never find,
Anything stronger than the ties that bind.
I still have your memory.
One or two pictures of you and me.
Life is long and life is tough,
But when you love someone,
Life is not long enough.
Emmylou Harris, written for her dog Bonaparte
Friday, January 9, 2009
Bo?
I just wanted to tell you how well I did this first Christmas.
I took in Tina, as you know - and I worked through a ton of stuff you always hoped I would - balancing celebration and sorrow, past and future - I missed you the whole way! And now we are sitting here moving into 09 with so much hope and optimism - you're here every step.
Oh if only other humans could find the happiness with one another I feel even in your memory.
What a lambie-dog you are...Mommy loves Lila. SO much love Lila.
See you soon Angel Heart. we missed you - and, I kept my promise...:) I am not just good, I am SOOO good.
love you, angel!
Hug the Beef for me....Mom
I took in Tina, as you know - and I worked through a ton of stuff you always hoped I would - balancing celebration and sorrow, past and future - I missed you the whole way! And now we are sitting here moving into 09 with so much hope and optimism - you're here every step.
Oh if only other humans could find the happiness with one another I feel even in your memory.
What a lambie-dog you are...Mommy loves Lila. SO much love Lila.
See you soon Angel Heart. we missed you - and, I kept my promise...:) I am not just good, I am SOOO good.
love you, angel!
Hug the Beef for me....Mom
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